Day: September 18, 2021

I’m a coward

I WANT to tell you. I NEED to tell you, but I’m trying to gather the courage to do this. It’s not that I think you’re going to judge me. It’s just that it’s eating me alive. If I’m being honest it wouldn’t mean much to you. I would still give you my last lung. Yet it’s still pointless. What sort of difference would it even make? *sigh* This is something I struggle with. Constantly trying to fight with it hoping that it stays at bay. Yet it doesn’t. I hope you can’t read my mind or my body language. It would feel awkward.

Fwiw

Over the years I’ve said a lot of fucked up things to you. There’s honestly expressing your feelings, and then there’s just being cruel, and I know I’ve crossed that line many times. How many, I don’t know, but I offer a blanket apology for all of them. The truth is being mean to you has never made me feel good for more than like an hour maybe, probably a lot less. And it never changed anything, so it was pretty pointless, destructive behavior. I still have a huge list of grievances that will most likely never be addressed, but I will work on myself to find more constructive ways to express that, even if only for my own benefit.

Lonely

I don’t miss you anymore.
I think I thought I missed you before because I didn’t really know the true meaning of being lonely. But after so long in lockdown and not hearing from anyone unless I reached out. I know what loneliness truly is now and I don’t mind it. I won’t be changing a thing. I like this, there is less pressure to feel included, which let’s face it never worked out for me anyway.

Just getting this off my chest

I’m typing this here because I’m not really in the best position to tell you this to your face, seeing as I’m already in a relationship with someone else. I think I am in love with you. When I say this, I don’t mean in a sexual physical way. It’s a feeling, but luckily that’s ALL it is. I think you’re just such a nice man. You have a heart of gold. So much so that I wish you were straight. But then, even if you were straight, you probably wouldn’t feel attracted to me. I’ve never felt that I want you in sexual way at all. It’s your personality that wins me over. Being with you is going to be impossible. I feel guilty having feelings for you, as you’re just a friend. Plus I’m already engaged to someone. *Sigh*. I will always have feelings for you. I’ll just have to live with it. I will just have to sweep this problem under the carpet, and sometimes cry myself to sleep about it. Gotta say though, you would have been an awesome dad to mine and your future children. I suddenly have butterflies whenever I’m around you. But errr, I shouldn’t be even feeling like this about you. I feel guilty about it. Feelings are feelings. I’ll just try to ignore them. It would make no difference if I told you, which is why I’m never going to tell you. While I carry on with my relationship with Paul, while gritting my teeth seeing you with someone else. Maybe in another life you will be mine someday. The tangled Web I’m in. I have no business ever telling you this. It wouldn’t get me anywhere anyway. I can never feel bad for saving your life that day. You are a VERY nice man

Communicate more or leave me alone

Just seems like you’re using me as a rebound. I do know the signs. You only phone me once a month. That’s hardly a proper relationship. I can tell that you’re not that into me. So you should go back to her. It’s not as if I ever planned having children with you. The only pact me and you ever made was to marry each other, but why bother, when you are only half-arsed about it. You’re probably more bothered about your reputation and your druggie mates. I won’t be used as something you can turn to just whenever you’re feeling lonely. Boo hoo. Truth be told, I do sometimes wonder whether you’re that bothered about our relationship. Despite previous phone conversations or past text messages with you. Even my own family are starting to think twice about you. They always ask me if you’ve been in touch recently. Their faces just stop smiling when I tell them that I haven’t spoken to you in months. Are you sure that you know what love really is. Thanks………….a………………bunch
. You have no idea how you’re lack of communication makes me feel.🙄🤨😔

The night after

The father and husband were found dead next door by his wife, police sat across the street for a few hours like they were watching for someone. Matt’s girlfriend Chelsea approaches them with her puppy and has a brief conversation before they depart.The wife hadn’t and still hasn’t been back but a few different cars have shown up,perhaps some essential belongings.

On a walk this afternoon, my husband runs into Matt who gives him a hug and talks to greater length about what happened, divulging that the man’s death was an apparent suicide after a particularly bad fight between with the wife who was then intending to leave the partnership. Dread sinks in me thinking about the pounding on the walls I had heard the night before the responders showed up and I may never know but I really fuckin hope he didn’t lay violent hands on that woman and child.

In the days since. The giant sunflowers that once grew in front of their home now wither into blackness and his BMW with a cross hanging on the mirror has sits untouched in the garage next to us.
I hope the mother and baby are in a space that offers them comfort and support that might give them recovery, respite, or whatever they need to make the best out of the path ahead.

My days as a house mom

I wake up at 6 a.m. to have my coffee before the morning hustle begins. I made everyone’s lunches the night before, the kid loves when I use cookie cutters to turn her sandwiches into fun shapes like hearts, the husband has recently changed up his sandwich habit for whatever hello fresh meal I have made up.

At 6:30 I wake the kid up to make sure she’s dressed, packed and ready to go for our walk to the kindergarten. She has enough time to enjoy an episode of one of her shows during breakfast before drop-off commences.

After that it’s just me and the cats, as the husband takes our one car to work in the early hours of the morning, I’m homebound until I walk to get the child from school again.I spend that time getting our little space cleaned and organized better than I’ve been able too multitasking with the family around before, when I’m not making our space tidy I’m attempting to complete half finished art works to list for sale.
Last week I mailed off two smaller commissions I recieved for something normally outside my realm, a Proverbs quote, but I’m not going to turn down good business. Now I have the need of getting pieces framed out and listed then advertised.

I don’t have anyone screaming bitch at me,bills. Having all my time and energy sucked up by two jobs, I’m not panicking because I’m getting off work late to pick up my kid, no car accidents, or overly friendly advances from coworkers and clients, no demands for productivity besides the ones I make for myself. I might not bring in a ton of money doing what I am as of yet but I’m still just getting the ball rolling so to speak and my husband makes enough that there’s not added pressure just to cover the bills and we’re all insured. I have a lot to be grateful for with that.

After I pick up the kid from school we play outside with the neighbor kids for a few minutes before getting down with whatever homework her teacher sent her home with. We got her nicely prepared during her home education that she’s already recieved a nice pile of certificates of accomplishments from her teacher for what she knows. We’ve also got her learning some Russian and Spanish basics at home so she can be in a good space to be a polyglot later. Mind you that doesn’t mean I don’t have to negotiate through my fair share of temper tantrums and only behaviors.

I might not be bringing in the finance consistently yet