Category: Thoughts

I spent the weekend in San Antonio Texas with my husband for the Rammstein show.
Travelling from our home city of Denver, we spotted a number of other fellow travelers attending the event.
Our hotel was right outside the Alamodome venue, which ended up working out perfectly for the next day when we spent the entire day trying to hold for a good place in the fire zone, we were able to alternate out for food runs and restroom breaks.
Before that however we spent the evening of our arrival exploring the Riverwalk. Other concert attendees present in exploration holler friendly greetings at us all over the place.
We stop by the skull laden Hugmans Tiki bar for a drink to cool off where yet another concert goer from out of town greets us and tells us about a concert pre party at the nearby 007 Bond bar.

We end up swinging by the Republic of Texas for some spectacular enchiladas and as we leave I spot someone carrying a Ripleys believe it or not back and absolutely have to find where she got it. Sure enough the Ripleys museum was a short walk away and My husband is just as interested in checking it out as I am. Everything from oddities of survival, creation, and unique circumstance filled its levels with the obscure fact regarding the people’s lives they were built around. It was an absolute marvel to take in.
Afterwards we returned to the suite to enjoy some alone time in a clean , well kept room before the big event that brought us here.
Waiting all day paid off greatly despite the schizophrenic woman that walked by and kept shouting at me strange things like I didnt mean to kill you and where were my big titties, we made friends in line and after a brief incident with tech malfunctioning, my husband still managed to land us a spot right by the front next to the lady I met with the vasilisa and baba yaga tattoo. I’m happy to say the people present are all incredible diverse and kind. There’s a little bit of a scene to show that there are older folks in the crowd and to be aware of it. The lady next to me offers me her extra drink and I tell her I appreciate her.
The show itself is incredible, they set us on fire with the wild pyrotechnics and then put us out in a foamy glaze with the giant robotic dic cannon. Everyone in the foam zone would tell you it’s worth it. The band has a Strong presence with hard hitting lyrics and in the cycle of life and death they end their performance rising into the rafters after a somber adieu and flash of fireworks.
Leaving the venue, we help another woman find her bus terminal before we return to the room and end the night with Enders Game.
The following day at the airport we ran into a couple that was at the show from Atlanta that was very close where we were on the show floor. We hit it off immediately and did a quick exchange of information before our flights. Funnily enough, myself and the girlfriend already had a shared mutual contact, a young lady named Deeds who was a traveller and avid concert goer. It was a sweet cherry on the top of a great trip.
When we return we found a giant dragons head in the living room that my mom picked up from my favorite antique shop. Unfortunately mom had to leave pretty much immediately but I gave her a thank you souvenir for her help so we could do this after such a long wait.

My only disappointment? Returning home and being unable to play my own games because the most recent update crippled my systems gaming abilities and now we can only use it for watching shows until we replace the system itself with an upgraded model. It’s been a good weekend.

First I was flattered you thought of me so much. Then I kept listening to the song over and over and it seemed like you were shifting all the blame on me. Then (in true INTJ fashion) I made you an itemized list of why you should not feel that way. But whatever, blame it all on me.

And, in the interest of candor, I must confess that I am engaged. He pushed me to talk to you and see where it goes because he wants me to go into marriage with no regrets. Weird guy, no?

Telling you I loved you was the stupidest mistake of my life, in one way. It meant no more you, I could have kept silent, never let you know, and then, well then I could have been seeing you all the time, in reality if I had done that, undoubtedly we would be good friends, but then the part of telling you that was right, was it meant, no more you.
You see yesterday I dreamt of you, we did get together in my dream and yes it was perfect, obviously since it was a dream.
But if you were in my life I know still the agony of it, for of course no you wouldn’t love me too, you cannot suddenly find me attractive, and yet if you did, just as I knew then, I cannot betray someone, I was with someone then, and whilst I told you, I never could have caused that heartbreak, and so I knew it was as well you did not love me, because then what?
And over time I have considered that, would I have left everything to be with you?

Whatever way I don’t have to wonder, both because you don’t and never were going to love me, and it is too late. You hated me for telling you, and no doubt being with not the least attraction, it was always inconceivable, but me, I have had no change in all this time, you are still everything that anyone could want, and I am in no doubt that if dreams came true-Not the kind like I had yesterday, but the “Be with me forever” dream, that life would be all I could ask for.
You were then absolutely all I could ever want, not one thing is different.
But it is as it is, life goes on and to my last day I will still feel that way.
I hope actually you found someone to have that from, I want that for you, I want to believe they wake up and see everything good and perfect and are grateful for the fact they can look at you and say “I love you” and to hear you say it back.
Some people dream of untold wealth, maybe they have sexual fantasies, maybe any number of things, me? Waking up beside you, or sat on the grass under a tree next to you, looking at you and just saying it and hearing it, and holding you close.
Let that be what life is for you at least, you deserve it.

4. I grovelled to you begging forgiveness and you seemingly accepted.

1. We were never exclusive
2. You had someone on the side as well
3. You got married and played me (making us even, even regardless of points 1 and 2)

I think about you every day, you know.

Sept. 2
hope you’ve had a happy birthday, Goof.

Brat

I thought that the words would come to me when I decided to write this. I thought I would become a poet of sorts, sobbing over words that truly told how I feel. The truth is, I am not sure how to feel. You were my best friend, or so I thought. Now I know the proper term was grooming. Do you know how long it took me to understand that? Do you know how long it takes a child to come to terms with that broken trust? I hoped I would have some powerful statement that would make you think back and realize how truly evil what you did was. I am lost. I try to pretend to be strong. That I am a survivor of CSA. Truthfully I do feel like a victim. I spent the years you were in prison separating the child you abused from the person I was becoming. Now I am a grown woman, with an identity crisis who cant come to terms with the fact that little girl IS me. Why did you do it? Did you not think about me? Did you think that I would just get over it? I trusted you. I trusted you. I trusted you. I TRUSTED YOU. I want to scream it. Sometimes I think that it would be more bearable if it was a stranger that did it. Sometimes I think it would be better if I wouldve just not told what you were doing. SA is weird. They say to let the abuser face justice, however the victim is the one who continues to pay. I cant go where you chose to work. I cant go where you chose to live. I cant get past what you chose to do. There is a reoccurring theme there, huh? YOU get to choose, and I get to pay. Maybe someday I will have stronger words. I will write a letter like this that is empowering, shows strength.

But for now,

Tomorrow is the silent auction fundraiser Arise! Being hosted at one of my favorite crafty nooks and tattoo parlors nearby ( I met the husband and wife duo and each a respective owner of the different shops and a circus themed birthday party some years ago) .

I messaged the shop owner after receiving their call for artists to donate their works to the auction benefitting The Colorado Doula Project. I sent her a picture of a few of my paintings to choose from and she picked my not quite finished Jurogumo . My husband wasn’t too keen on her pick, he was wanted to keep the spider lady around a little longer.
Ultimately I felt this was a fitting means to part with her , though I’d recieve no monetary gain for her sale she will be among other peers exceptional works for display before a significantly sized audience. If she recieves any bids,her sale will benefit womens & wellness.

So I took a few days to polish her up before delivering her to the location. The people that tecieved her were very kind and thankful and I was able to pick up my personal favorite Fiddlers Green Magazine while I was in the area.

I’ll be able to catch the tail end of the auction tomorrow, as my husband will have the car for work. I talked a few lady friends into going with me and I’m excited to see what other contributions will be on display.