Gone Daddy Gone Girl

You are gone, at least the way I knew you.
You are dead.
You are gone.
You lifted my spirit higher than its ever been before.
then you left and abandonded me,
much like the little girl i was back when i was a little girl.
when my mom left and didnt come back for year.
Is that why, then,
that i keep imagining that there will come a time,
in the future,
a time when you will come back
and you will be there.
again
at last
forever more
make it right
do it right
be good to me
once again
and hopefulyl never change
never go away again.
?
is this a flashback
is this right

i think that make ssome sense, there, but
i never thought of it in that way
until just now.
but it seems to be making some kind of sense
realizations
perceptions
inner reflection.
something you can never do.
not for yourself
or anyone else
and that is to your very own detriment,
my friend.
because you are the only one you ar ehurting my holding in the hurt
the pain you feel is descending therough your body
like blood in your veins
it fills you
in every way
and alqays
and it never will, stop
and i feel for you,
i do.
i think you do know that muich.
but i akso know
that feeling for you does nothing
and will never mean anything,
to you.
so whats the point?
i cant help how i feel.
but i CAN help how i think
how i process and how i deal.
how i cope
its a tough road ahead
the past has been
and its not over yet.
not until
not until i can look at myself with the same glow i did before
when you lifted me so high
i can never see myself that way againsince tyouve gone away
and i hate you for it,
as i hate you,
for so many
so many, many other things, related
this incident struck me and stopped me in my tracks
and you just sit where you sit
and you just be you and moe on and
act like i was
NOTHING
nothing at all.
well,
now,
that is exactly
exactly
exactly how i feeel.
and i swear to God that I love you but i also just want to punch to square in the mouth.
and i hate myself.
i want to blame you for so many things,
i know it isnt right,
but i want to put it on you
maybe because i feel if i do that,
if i out it all on you,
then somehow
maybe
you can take it all away.
mayve one day
if you ever become self aware
maybe you can understand what you have done
what you have
REALLY
done to me
by coming and going
by taking me on a hot air balloon ride and then dropping me off at THE HIGHEST POINT IN THE ADVENTURE.
AND NOT FEELING A THING ABOUT IT
JUST MOVING ON AS IF I NEVER EXISTED
THEN, HWEEN SOMEONE BRINGS UP MY NAME
YOU TAKE OFFENSE AND GET ANGRY
YOU SAY i AM RUINING YOUR LIFE
I AM MAKING YOU FEEL GUILT THAT IS NOT YOUR OWN
ALL BECAUSE i was alive at one point
and now im dead
and you dont want to have anything to do with it.
you want to walk away as if i never existed .
but you made me who i was when iwa swith you
and then you took that babygirl with you
when you left
and now its just me
here
here
here
here
missing you
missing me
missing it
missing that.
and thats okay
because it doesnt make any difference anyway
anyway,
im sorry you are who you are
but i am also so happy yu are who you are
or were who you were,
rather,
but now youre not that man and im devastated
abnd you cant come back and revive the art of me that is gone
but you wouldnt even if you could
you can
you wont
the sad oart is
i would let you
at least at this poit in the journey
i still
i still feel i would
i would let you
i would let you try
and i hope one day taht you do
i hope the day comes before one of us dies
iu hope you love me again one day
i hope forever
i will not feel this way
so dissarray
so full of dismay
i sit here
and cry
and i still wonder why
and i need to know
but you wont et me go
and i cant ever grow
because only you know
and it dfoesnt kill you
sodtly
pr slowly
or at all.
not at all.
and im sorry i am who i am
that i am not more worthy of that
thatkind of love you once gave to me
i am sad
so sad
i am saddneded
and broken
and gone from who i was before
i am sorry.
i want you to be here
and make e feel
so happy again.
but i know tht will never happen
but
but i still hope that it will
that you will come back
and make it eright
like my mom did
eventually.
and im sorry
because it is so
damned
pathetic thast i am sorry.
that you hurt me this way.
that you left
me
right when i needed you most
and you promised youd stay
that you were on my side and
you wanted to be there every day
in every way
i was the light of your day
you said you wanted it all
all of me
all of it
this life
do it right
with a smile
and im a fool
oh
i am a fool.
im sorry taht i am
i
am
a
fool.
forgiving myself NOW.

ugh

so i thought i moved on… so i got a rebound.
mistake.
this rebound turned out to be just like you, but crazier. he threatened my family.
he found my moms address and told me he would send people to her.
all bc of my own selfish addiction to finding validation from strangers.
so here i am. at work. fighting back the urge to just disappear.
but what’s new.

A sacrifice

Did I ever tell you about the time I was offered up as a symbolic sacrifice?
On a rare night I had a babysitter a few years back, my husband and I went to an Axeslasher show at the Hi Dive. I had been warned ahead of time that the singer very often used a prosthetic disembodied head to spray fake blood into the crowd, so I prepared my very best attire. I wore a powder blue sweater with a giant 1950s snowman on the front.

They saw. Halfway through the set, there I am front and center , and I see the singer hold up the head and aim right for me.

I’m walking out of there looking like a slasher flick dripping with blood splatter. Good Times.

Strange Wish

just once in my life I’d like to be loved
for me
and not just the strength I seem to have

just once I would like to know what it feels like to be seen for who I am inside
and loved for it

doesn’t even matter
because of it or regardless

the good & the bad
I know who I am
but who else really does?

Little by little..

and one foot in front of the other
slow
too slow for some
and too slow for myself, too
but steady
forward
A lot within me
is still alive
pushes up
the crazy in me
and some other mm
things
will always be

Yet
little by little
with each passing year
oh and I had many alreadz
I am getting
I am becoming a better
self

No regrets
it took the journey
all of it
to become
who I am

On Religion

There are not many things I can think of that upset me more than religion. And here, I draw a distinction between a person’s spirituality, which doesn’t bother me at all, and the institutionalization of faith. The former is something everyone is entitled to, the latter is, historically, the greatest force of control, division, and the subversion of free thinking in the world. I don’t know much about other religions than Christianity, so I won’t speak to practices of Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, etc.

Second big distinction here, I consider Catholicism and Protestantism to be denominations of Christianity, not separate religions. Lets think about it a bit. The Protestant Bible has 66 books, whereas the Catholic Bible has these 66 plus 7 additional. The Catholic Church recognizes the Pope as its leading authority, and views the forgiveness of sins as within the purview of priests through the Sacrament of Penance (confession). Furthermore, Mary, mother of Jesus, is viewed as without sin and worshipped accordingly (as are many of the Saints, though not sinless). There ya go, those are the major differences. Both Catholics and Protestants believe in Jesus as the immaculately conceived Son of God, who was crucified and resurrected to pay for the sins of humanity. Both celebrate Communion (though for whatever reason in my experience Catholic parishes always use wine whereas Protestant churches always use grape juice – not sure if that’s actually a thing or just what I’ve seen). There are some minor theological differences, ie baptism, transubstantiation, Purgatory, etc., but when you look at the salvation of your soul, (which is supposed to be the main goal anyways), the beliefs of both Catholics and Protestants are identical. And yet, that hasn’t stopped both Christian factions from killing each other since the Protestant Reformation. It hasn’t stopped the political turmoil and warfare that has dominated Ireland’s relationship with the UK. It hasn’t stopped Catholics from telling me that Protestants are going to Hell, or Protestants from telling me that Catholics are going to Hell. The root of institutionalized religion is, in fact, hypocrisy of the highest order.

I always thought it was interesting that the Protestant denomination of Christianity, (tracing its origins to the publishing of the 95 Theses in 1517), has split so many times we now have Anglicans and Baptists and Calvinists and Episcopalians and Lutherans and Mormons and Presbyterians and probably hundreds of other sub-denominations depending how you define Protestantism, while the Catholic Church (recognizing its origins to its first Pope, Peter) has been around for approx. three times longer with only two major schisms, Greek Orthodoxy and Protestantism. But that is indeed Catholicism’s greatest flaw: control. You could go back in the history books and talk about indulgences and Crusades and political maneuvers like coronations and excommunications. You could examine the Catholic Church’s primary role in the Dark Ages, exploiting the old maxim that knowledge is power, (particularly when most non-clergy couldn’t read) and the suppression of scientists who dared disprove the Church’s teachings. But you don’t have to, because the ongoing tragedy of sexual abuse within the Church, and the indefensibly heinous cover-ups perpetrated to protect its reputation, tell you all you need to know.

There are many problems with the Protestant side of things too. Two words: Prosperity Theology. If you dislike the constant cycle of stand up, sit down, kneel repeat and saying the same prayers so many times you don’t even think about the meanings of the words in a Catholic Mass, try sitting down for an hour listening to people ask you for money. “Ask” isn’t the right word. Spiritually manipulate? Is there anything that could be lower than that? Basically, your health and welfare are influenced by how much money you give your church. Wanna hear some traveling pastor tell you about planning a mission trip without having the money to be able to do so, then miraculously (after soliciting donations in service for weeks) a stranger walked into his office last minute and wrote him a check for $5,000, and a month later that stranger’s wife’s cancer went into remission? Imagine if the stranger had given $10,000 instead? Would he have won the Powerball too? The real danger in this is that it preys on the most vulnerable, people who don’t have the money to be giving it away but now feel that their lives will improve if they give to their church anyways. By no means am I saying that you shouldn’t give money to your church (or any charity, for that matter) if you want to, many churches (and charities) do a lot of good things in their communities and around the world. But you should never, ever feel pressured to do so. And you shouldn’t be doing so to get something in return at any rate either. The sight of multi-millionaire preachers (running profitable organizations that don’t pay taxes) with private jets makes me sick. Here’s a thought: do you think God, omniscient and omnipotent, really cares about the opulence of the houses of worship his people gather in or the personal luxury of the pastors who preside over those gatherings? Or, like the Beatitudes and Indiana Jones’ Holy Grail, would He prefer humility and earnestness? Wasn’t it Jesus Himself who said “it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.”? I think the speaking of the tongues stuff is super weird too, probably a mechanism to exert spiritual superiority in the speaker over his/her audience for the most part, and feel like pastors would be better served preaching words everyone listening could understand, but I feel like this is more of a fringe thing within Protestantism.

Across all corners of institutionalized Christianity, there are other issues of course. Hard to reconcile stuff like the Golden Rule with stuff like commanding the deaths of gays and lesbians. I’m sure the whole ‘wives should submit to their husbands’ line of theology has been internalized and used as justification for the suppression of women by every Western patriarchal society. I wonder how many books of the Bible were written by women? Zero? Even the ones named after and chronicling the lives of women? Same Book that puts literally the creation of sin at womankind’s doorstep? Then there’s God’s apparent propensity for vengeance repeated throughout the Old Testament and Pulp Fiction but nowhere better illustrated than the slaughter of all Egyptian first-born sons to allow the Jews to escape slavery. Would there still be Christianity in America if God had done that to the sons of American slave owners so black people could escape slavery? How can anyone, without any compromise, believe in every single word of every line of the Bible and not commit themselves to some element of irreconcilable hypocrisy? In my opinion, that’s the foundation of how you get to incompatible contradictions like: “I’m a God-fearing man/woman and thus proudly support President Trump.” Lastly (that I’ll mention here), is the air of superiority Christianity espouses, where it is each Christian’s duty to convert others to their faith and in the process save their souls. This might be a hallmark of other major religions, wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest. But its astounding, just the arrogance of assuming all of your beliefs are correct and all the beliefs of someone of a different religion are wrong, when there’s not really any discernible evidence pointing in any religion’s correctness. The whole idea is faith, right? And as ridiculous as some other religion sounds to you, that’s how ridiculous your religion probably seems to them. What’s a lot more important, imo, is that no matter what you believe in, or even if you don’t believe in anything at all, that you do your best to be a good person.

So is Christianity a bad thing? I don’t think so. Believing in something more than yourself, being grateful for what you have been given and seizing on core tenets like peace and understanding, loving your family, and treating others with respect regardless of any way in which they might be different to you, these are ideas that should be universally accepted (and from my understanding are largely supported by most major religions). My biggest issue is that something as personal as one’s own spirituality and connection to God should be exactly that, personal. Your relationship to God is yours and yours alone.

Call center 2

Another kind of weird thing I witnessed at the call center was the interpersonal relationships that would form in the short time that you could. I watched a married woman with two kids in my class bond with one of the few single men present and then slowly dismantle her home marriage in hopes he would take the bait, and he did. Our class started as a pretty friendly bunch but as they got mucked up in each other they started getting weird with the rest of us, which for the record definitely affects the group vibe.

Another older man, started out friendly enough with me but as his own long term partnership came apart started being a little bit too sweet on me, it started with wanting to read a script that he wrote and lent me an art book. it would have been fine at that had he not gotten so flirty with his verbiage and gestures and That made me really uncomfortable being very forthright about my homelife.
Other teammates I enjoyed ultimately decided the position wasn’t right for them after a bad day of verbal abuse from callers , there was a very high turnover rate for a reason and that reason is the shit was too deep to wade your way through to the rewards.

Call Center

For a few months I was working at a bank call center. Initially it seemed like a great idea, 401k and paid time off would have been a dramatic change of the treatment I was used to in service industry work. We bought a new car for the occasion, that my husband used while I took the van.
The training days it was all technical, learning how to navigate their software and appropriate conversation points to expedite communication, building up social relations because once you’re on the phones there’s no time to get to know your co workers.
We didn’t touch the phones for a few weeks while the company used all of its “educational” tools to indoctrinate you into thinking everything was swell, that the corporation supported equal rights, ethics, and individual advancement… but the getting there is the challenge.

The Enlightenment,
Even though we’d get an occasional moral boost with takeout lunch, past the training point you were expected to be a well oiled matched. Get logged in and clocked as soon as possible to pump out as many card service calls as possible before a 15 minute break from callers, after that lunch is an hour whenever your scheduled, and another 15 minutes before the end of your shift.
Sure some of the callers are just paying off debt and don’t care to talk to me more than necessary, but others are yelling at me, calling me bitch.. I can hear the echo of my voice in the headphones trying to keep up composure. Others were lonely elderly who were so lonely and disadvantaged in their home lives that If I let them, they could talk to me for hours about their loneliness for a space of comfort. The number of fraud claimed and attempted account takeovers I processed would really shock you.
Internally it just felt alienating though, they try to make your sole point of focus them. They’d make it competitive to make it feel like you’re playing a game ,but really it’s just the demand to get the worker to process as much as possible, so you can see how man calls your group members are taking and how they’ve been revived, but no matter how positive the reviews when you get sat down for review there’s always the input of…well can you take more calls. Though they’d try to set up little games here and there ultimately the callers themselves were what set the tone.

I think part of what made it so grueling for me was the rush hour to get my kid from daycare before closing in rush our. A 20 minute drive turned into 2 hours and more than once I had close encounters with catastrophe.
The first week I was attempting to leave and another car tapped bumpers with me in a blind spot, the woman was initially going to drive off but turned around when she saw me get out of the car. This black lady in a different department just starts screaming at me that her cars a rental and wailing about how could I do this, before even looking to see that neither of us had damage.

About a week before I was taken out by a malfunctioning van that turned off every time I turned left, we start having some really strange glitches in the system that would leave us unable to do our job, just totally unresponsive but I find it a relief because now I’m having trouble with my left ear..like tinnitus I imagine.

Then I get a cold, but I haven’t earned my vacation/sick time yet and the van is at my dads shop ( not getting repaired ever because he really proved he doesn’t care to be helpful) So I’m borrowing the new car for the day and it ends in disaster as I’m driving home on the interstate in bumper to bumper traffic and the elderly man in front of me breaks suddenly, it would have been fine but my heel slips off the brake and I total our new car. Thankfully the man in front of me is unharmed and there doesn’t appear to be damage but I’m just..done. our resources have been stretched unsustainable thin and I have to make the choice if this is the kind of stress I can deal with and I decide that no it’s not for me.. would have liked to reached that conclusion before the accident but here we are. The new car was able to be repaired and was completely insured and I’m still alive but had the luxury to embrace a new focus on trying to create a body of art man to attempt to sell and homeschooling our kid now that I could use more than half of my paycheck on preschool.
It looks like that’s not going to change in my immediate future, but maybe my ability to be my own boss and help bring in monies will improve, thankfully I have some great figures to look to for advice and guidance there. So long as we maintain our health.