The outlook looked grim

My old lady kitty hadn’t eaten in 3 days. Dita was a little older than fifteen and from what I’d read was on the upper end of her age group, I couldn’t tell if this were age or something else. On the third night she started losing control of her functions and we immediately made an appointment with her vet.

Everything all at once is what it felt like, I was still on the mend from my cough but at least I had been insured, my cat was not.

I wrapped my baby up in a soft blanket, got her in the catpack and drove her down to Fox Hollow. The team got us into a room and into problem solving mode pretty swiftly. They take Dita who is now 2 lbsto do some blood work and the handsome vet brings her back and he tells me it looks like it’s not all doom and gloom, she had gotten a virus that had given her pancreatitis but is perfectly treatable. They administer fluids, antibiotics, and antinausea meds and send me on my way within the hour. The vet gives me a atta girl hand on the shoulder for handling things well.

At home there is deep relief when the little lady immediately wants food. I give her a warm bath and am satisfied to see her back out in the open being social, but still weak , she keeps to the bed. The day ended so much better than it could have, eventually I will have to say a final goodbye to my little kitty love but not today.

June 3, 2022

Day 4 of antibiotics after bronchitis absolutely lays waste to me and I’m doing a little better, still coughing up the occasional flecks of blood but I don’t feel a hairs breath away going to the ER anymore. My covid test was negative, however I later hear from my neighbor that she got tested shortly after me and hers came put positive.
In response I take some health initiative and sign up for one of those custom vitamin programs.

When my husband gets home, we settle in to Stranger Things. This seasons dark wizard baddie is giving his monologs on his fascination with spiders , when my husband spots a big arachnid crawling down the wall behind the TV by the stairs. He catches it under glass and sets it loose out in the garden, it looks like a brown recluse or wolf spider.. I’ll need to google pictures later. He remarks on the timing and I tell him a dad joke that they make about the guy earlier on.

Drowning in debt

I’m drowning…
Like in my own abyss of debt.
I don’t even know when it started to get bad.
I mishandled credit.
I’ve made terrible decisions and got my ass handed to me every single time.
Im disappointed in myself too.
Left several jobs, relied on credit, and recklessly bought things unnecessarily.

I fucked myself.

I can’t even begin to think about paying student loans when I graduate. I’ve put off graduating for years and failed classes. Racked up over 90k in debt and I’m not even 30.

I keep thinking to myself that maybe I’ll catch a check from music or maybe get rich somehow.

Like, “oh I’ll just pay that later.”

Then I think that maybe I could just OD to escape when the time is right.

I know it’s completely psycho and I realize I have issues…

Im honestly just…

Lying to myself.

I

How to tell 5 year old son why his daddy isn’t around any more?

My precious little boy doesn’t understand why all the other kids have daddies and he does not. How can I tell him what happened? How can I look into his sweet little face and let him know the truth? How can I explain it to him in a way that makes sense to him, when it doesn’t even make sense to me? How can I sit him down and tell him that in the months before he was born, his daddy started wearing a rooster costume every day and insisting that I call him Grappler the rooster? That he made me throw candy corn on the floor so he could pretend to peck it up like Grappler the rooster? That the last thing he ever did was screaming “Grappler loves tidbits!” into my face before he ran off cackling into the woods, never to be seen again?

The Reiki healer next door

She calls me the other day to ask I’d I had spotted anything unusual up in my perch that might have led to her broken windshield, I think she suspects the other neighbor lady’s son and while I can’t completely discount the notion, as I’ve seen him bounce around on my car a time or too but I report on this occasion I saw nothing.

She then transitions over into asking if I knew about the previous owner committing suicide in her home. I flashback to a few weeks before when I awaken in the middle of the night to a coughing fit and the sound of singing bowls ringing through the walls at 3 am. I don’t mind the sound, I find it calming but I’m allergic to sage and wonder if it’s bleeding in through the ventilation somewhere. It probably doesn’t matter , I live in a place it lives in abundance anyway.
Fast forward to currently I admit to being very present that somber night and tell her I hope it doesn’t detract from her enjoyment of the space. She kind of laughs in response and says no. Going on to report strange happenings in her abode that she doesn’t feel are malevolent but are significant in proving to her there’s a spirit present. She tells me about a tea cup with yellow roses showing up in places that it shouldn’t and of flickering lights that she called an electrician out to investigate but found no issues with the wiring.
I admit we also have been experiencing the flickering lights despite changing the bulbs and then divulge what I did know of the person that lived there before her.

We end our conversation me vowing to contact the other previous owner about moving his armor work bench for his society of creative anachronism stuff out of the garage this week and planning a ladies night with the girls sometime soon. In thinking on it, I think Sean and April would hit it off splendidly. I suppose I’ll see for myself.

Sorry I’m like this

I have done nothing wrong. You’ve told me so. I know it in my heart. But the thing about trauma is it really doesn’t give a factual shit about who’s a good person trying their best. I keep trying to give you more than 50% because I thought I was such an open book but more and more I’m realizing that I never tell you the things I want to – that I’m hurting and I need you, that I had a fucking awful day and the only thing that helped was your voice.

The thing is, I don’t know how close is too close – not for you, but for me. I don’t know how much it’s ok to rely on another person before I’ve put myself in danger. And even though I know you’d never hurt me, I’m still in this place where being weak for a moment is so intolerable I get a little sick thinking about it. I want to share my real self with you, but I’m so scared there’s nothing worth sharing – that I’ll tell you I feel this stupid twisted sadness more often than not and it’ll be too much to take.

It’s so stupid because you’ve shared things with me no one else in the world knows, and you probably already know the places I go when my mind tries to drown me, but I still feel like I can’t talk to you about it. You of all people! If not you, the. WHO?

No one, I guess. This is not me blaming you at all – I blame me. I wish I could be brave enough to be my true self around you all the time, not just when I’m caught off guard. I just want the real me and the real you to have a life together and I feel like I’m the thing in the way. And how stupid is that? Things are going great! You probably don’t even think anything is the matter. I guess nothing *is*, not anything anyone can do anything about, anyway…

I just hope, one day, I can be brave enough to be as honest with you as you’ve been with me…and for you to not turn away because of it. I don’t know. It’s happened before. The first time I ever fell in love, in fact. I was “too fucking emo”. I’m an adult and I still haven’t gotten over how bad that stung and I’m so fucking angry about it because I want to have normal relationships and talk about it when I’m down, but I feel this stupid crippling shame about BEING DEPRESSED of all things.

Such a rant. What I’m saying is, I’m sorry I can’t be better for you. I’m saying it here because it sounds like an excuse to me, and I wholeheartedly believe you deserve better than that. I just want you to know that I’m trying. My God, I’m trying.

Quid pro quo

I gave a gift but asked for an evaluation in return.
He said they were looking a little flat, could benefit from more yellows and reds with a more readable light source for shadows, followed by a proper glazing added to my painting mixture and suggested youtubing some of the tutorial resources available. I know what he means , I just need to figure out how to execute them properly and probably keep an eye out for good deals on framing.

Up dragon

My mom felt the urge to have my brother at I join her for sunrise service out of town , my kid and husband would have joined too but she had the sneezes.
There are a handful of cars parked off a dirt road where people have gathered singing by a cross to watch the sun come up. I’m not too impressed by the sermon, something along the lines of if you are not dutiful in your attendance to the church you are viewed as dirty in need of cleaning like a dish in the sink. He actually uses an analogy of house servants who play while the house lord is away and then later akins suffering on the whole as something God plans for you to be closer to ‘him’, rather than the chaos that it really is, beyond the control of any one thing.
The food at the church was good though, I was suprised to see my old boss there and everyone was quite friendly and welcoming.

We later visit my brothers farm. He’s lived there for years but is now getting the paperwork done for purchasing it. I get him some of the fungis my husband and I enjoyed the day before, him and his partner then show me the path their likely to take on their walkabout, beyond the chickens and ducks, through the horse pasture and into a Grove of trees growing at a bizarre angle. The space nestles nicely in the shadow of the mess, and is about 20 feet away from river access. I think they have a beautiful time ahead of them.
We head back to my mom’s around 3 to rejoin my grandma and them for dinner. Mom made way too much, She was really eager to make the space welcoming for Zachs partner, and even invited fewer people this year to make sure he showed. They arrive with gifts of fresh duck eggs for us.

I planned a family game if bingo with mom, we normally werent the type to do games at family events but I thought the cornhole tournament at the family reunion was so cool and wanted to do something grandma would enjoy . I picked up a bunch of prizes before hand for the winners and when the game was a bigger hit than I expected, mom had some mystery wrapped gifts we were able to toss in.
I used to love playing bingo with grandma at the Elks. And I was really glad to see her have such a good time playing with our family, mom called numbers and everyone won at least once, except for grandma who was the grand Victor winning a whopping four rounds and getting prime pick on prizes.
We’ve had a hard go cheering her up after great grams passing, so I was super pleased when this was such a success with her and the rest of the fam.

I always wanted to try

Going on a magic mushroom journey around my hometown stomping grounds and today got to be that day.

After enjoying a morning of family festivities for the holiday, my husband and I left the kid to do some baking with her grandma’s while we went for a hike out of town.
The hike actually turned out to be a number of stops from the Kokapelli petroglyphs on down to white bird, cow canyon where we saw a large group of deer, and then finally the State Bridge site where we were able to wonder around a bit more. I let my husband have a greater portion so I could guide things if I needed too.

The communion with nature was intense, we hiked up a Ridge overlooking a pasture of grazing cows and took on the mesas for a bit . It was a perfect spring day with all the wild buds peeking out of the baked earth , and nice breeze.
I caught site of some encroaching rainclouds though and thought it might be best for us to get closer to the truck in case of a downpour. What ended up happening though was much more satisfying, once we got to the truck and it hadnt started raining yet we explored a little cave area through a gulch and then settled into a little alcove to watch a show in the clouds. They were smoke like in their darkness and wisp, but they just seemed to hover in place overhead in weaving patterns that shifted like ocean waves. If I stared hard enough it appeared there was a kaleidoscope like grid manifesting itself in grey tones in a private scene if wonder.

As it got later I needed to get us back to town to take my grandma to work but my husband would say it was the perfect reset the mind day , and I gave myself a little pat on the back for guiding a safe and enjoyable experience where we were still able to come back and rejoin my family for food and egg dying activities, sharing the tale of the day with my brother and having some genuinely good laughs with everyone.