Shoulda woulda coulda, AM

I should speak several languages.
I should have a model/athletes physique.
I should be an accomplished golfer and squasher? and just generally be good at all the rich people’s sports.
I should volunteer for charities.
I should read a book every week or month.
I should learn everything about and pay attention to the financial markets.
I should have written a book.
I should be married, and have children, and a promising career, and genuine purpose to my life.

All the things I should have done, all the wasted time and missed opportunities, weighs me down more than anything else. Every new day, I need to focus on the present and the future, and leave all my past regrets behind for good. When I do, even just with little things, I feel so much better.

Let’s Play

The cargo hold of the dc-10 was completely silent but for the roar of the engines. 4 strangers sat, spaced apart, pondering their own respective tasks. This would certainly be an interesting start to the important business meeting I was headed to. I pretended to inspect my diamond cuff links as I quickly scanned my fellow passengers. To my left, a middle-aged woman with a face hardened by many years in the sun. “Médecins Sans Frontières”, said the badge hanging around her neck. Across from her was a gruff, burly man with a prominent scar running down the side of his face. I noticed writing on his lapel that said “De Oppresso Liber”. To his left, and across from me, a beautiful woman. So beautiful that when she met my discreet gaze, I immediately got nervous and looked away. It takes a lot for this savvy international businessman to to blush. But she was all that, and then some. There were no distinguishing marks, tags or signs of any kind. Her clothing, makeup, even hairstyle, were unremarkable, but not in any way disturbing of her beauty. There were no reads I could make, and so on this plane of four mysterious strangers, she was the most mysterious.

In the morning

My brother is going drive me to Glenwood to meet my husband for the second half of the journey home. We’ll meet at a sushi restaurant to commence the exchange.

Much of the week in my hometown was spent doing standard housework and errands for my mom and Grandma.

My ma seems in good spirits after a successful surgery, she’s hurting but on the mend. I took the ladies to the graveyard to pay our respects to family and friends of laid to rest and today prepared a large portion of the food for a BBQ my mom asked my brother and I to arrange, her busband was back just in time for some yard work and burgers cooking but will be leaving town again for business shortly after myself, thankfully my mom’s childhood friend will be coming into town for the next week to make sure recovery keeps track. The scar from the surgery is pretty gnarly but she thinks she’s regaining sensation in parts of her leg she’d been experiencing numbness in previously. Good news.

At the BBQ, storm clouds threatened in the distance without raining on the party but a gust of wind sent the big red table umbrella flying and with a swish of Mary Poppins magic I caught it midair before it could go wayward into my seated grandmother. According to the others it was quite an impressive sight.
My brother’s boyfriend and his son helped uproot a bush so moms husband could replace it with a really lovely rose, while the rest of us enjoyed the sunshine and birdwatching. It seems like it was a good day. Maybe tomorrow will be good too.

Today

My mom is over in Steamboat getting back surgery and I’m back at her home preparing it for being a recovery zone. I’ll be in my hometown for a week or two depending on how her post op healing goes. My mom’s husband is out of town on work during this time until an unknown date. She tells me it’s costing them 5k out of pocket but is a 95k surgery that insurance is covering the bulk of.

The burden

I’ve only had two full-fledged panic attacks, I think. The first one I was with a group of friends. I didn’t know what was happening when my body went numb and I was hyperventilating. My friends laughed at me and made crude jokes like I was physically disabled as I desperately tried to regain feeling in my extremities. The last one, I was freaking out really bad, I thought I was dying. I was in a bed, in a dark room. Almost all of my family was in the next room over. For hours I was screaming, literally screaming for help; I didn’t want to be alone. And they just turned the tv up and ignored me.

And that’s the truth. It has been my whole life. The people I care about don’t care about me if it’s literally any imposition at all. I’m just supposed to be happy and nice and never need anything. So I guess it’s just me, then, now, and always.

After

A brutal experience working at the bank call center to have the bulk of my paycheck going to childcare, my husband and I crunched the numbers and realized we’d actually save more money doing the stay at home mom gig. One day of overtime for him was a weeks worth of full time employment for me, his company actually takes pretty good care of him.

During my time as house mom I was able to do a lot hands on work with her education prep ( happy to say she’s doing great with) and with the support of a number of learning games I even had a little time to myself to lay down some groundwork in my own activities.. a little video game action, some painting, and mountains of housekeeping maintained that never ends. I even did a refinish on our kitchen counters at one point.

Most recently I got the kid enrolled in kindergarten for the upcoming year despite my deep fears that I’d be too inept to navigate my way through it or that the Rona will further destabilize society in such a way that the risk outweighs the rewards of social education.

The plan once she enters school is for me either pick up a stay at home job to keep floating with our one car vehicle sharing or devote that time to put in a faster pace for painting completion. I have a number of large pieces on the verge of completion and in the past as I listed my art I was able to sell the works which at least set a baseline for introductory valuations. I’m not entirely confident but it’d be nice to see at least one of my desired pursuits come to fruition.
Aside from my own personal endeavors, with the pandemic assistance provided this last year we were able to pay off the loan we took out for new windows in the home and we’re looking to take out another small loan within our fiscal comfort zone to complete the rest of the renovation, some hard floors to replace the shambled carpet, fully functioning kitchen appliances, and a furnace replacement/duct cleanse. What’s exciting about that is it means we’re not in a stagnant space, the home won’t fall into disrepair because we’re unable to maintain and that’s a good thing.