Day: September 24, 2021

To a certain male friend,

You’re constantly on with me then off with me. You make out like you are there for me, yet you only approach me either every few weeks, or every few months. I wish I had any idea why you do this. If you don’t actually want to hang out with me, then by all means, let me know. What’s the point in me being your friend when you constantly blow hot and cold with me? You’re too confusing. Most of my other friends don’t treat me in such a disposable way. Thankgod. I don’t get what you want from me then. At least make it obvious or leave me alone. What’s the reason you treat me like this? You SEEM to want to help me out, but if you’re not serious about spending time with me, I will end the friendship much sooner, for both of our sakes. So either let me know why you do this to me, or just don’t bother talking to me anymore. It’s not as if there’s any problem you’re hiding from me, so I really don’t understand. Maybe this is why I never reach out to you. Whatever. Good luck with your life.

You told me around three weeks ago now, that you will always be here for me, which is nice, but this week you haven’t made much effort to communicate with me, which makes me question whether you really meant what you said. It isn’t very respectful leaving me in limbo like this. I’ve got OTHER friends who would treat me better than this. Not sure why you’re even doing this. You’re not as interested in spending time with me as you like to make out you are. That isn’t being a good friend, at all. I’m not so certain about you anymore. Goodbye. It’s just all fun and games to YOU. I’m glad that you didn’t bother inviting me to your birthday. As you were never going to keep up the communication with me. Good luck with whatever, dude.

I just had a near-nervous breakdown worrying about what would happen to me if they changed the formula for the green Gatorade. I guess I don’t really have any evidence or proof suggesting they are going to do that, but it’s not like they would ask me first is it? I’m absolutely sick with worry thinking about what would happen if I went to Walgreen’s one day and got a bottle of Lemon Lime Gatorade and brought it home and took a big swig and it tasted a little bit different. I really like the way the green Gatorade tastes now, and if it changed I wouldn’t know how to react. I was so worried in fact that I just walked up to Walgreen’s and bought a bottle of the green Gatorade and two mild Slim Jims. Thank God the Gatorade still tastes the same as it always has.

Like I said, I have no inside knowledge or reason to believe that any sort of change to the formula for the green Gatorade is imminent or even being considered. For all I know they could keep the formula the same for the next ten thousand years. But they could also change it tomorrow, and change it forever, and then there would be no way to ever taste the old version of Lemon Lime Gatorade that I really do love so much. I spent the morning throwing up out of sheer panic just thinking about this happening. Maybe I should write them a letter saying please don’t ever change the formula. Do you think that would help? Or do you think that I would just be bringing attention to the formula, and ironically making it even more likely that they would change it? I could really use some advice on what to do. I’m twisted up in knots and I can’t think about anything else.

They can do whatever they want with the red (Fruit Punch) or blue (not sure) flavors, or the weirder garbage flavors like Ice Mountain or Frosted Shock or whatever the fuck else they have. Same with the Gatorade Zero. I’m sure those flavors have their fans and many of them are probably as passionate as I am, but selfishly it is only the bog-standard Lemon Lime Gatorade flavor that I really love deeply. Oh God, should I call the Gatorade factory? I should, shouldn’t I? What if I did though, and then they laughed at me, and then they changed it just to spite me? I don’t think I can risk it. But I also don’t think I can keep living like this, spending every waking second in a heart-pounding near frenzy at the thought that they might unexpectedly change that Gatorade formula on me. What would you do if you were me? How would you cope? How could you cope? I could really use some answers here, please, whatever you have that you think may be of help. I am in a prison of my own making, and that prison is called “the fear of what if they made a new formula in replace of the old Gatorade formula for the flavor of Lemon Lime Thirst Quencher”

A lot of people still have crushes on someone else while they’re still married, or still in a relationship. What matters is that you don’t act upon it. You’re allowed to think about your crush, but make sure that is ALL you do. Don’t take it further, otherwise you will risk losing the best thing that has happened to you in a long time. It’s not worth it in the long-run. Even it IS sometimes worth it, how would I even know? A crush is just a harmless fantasy. Luckily I can keep it inside of my mind and not let it go any further than a mere fleeting thought. It’s just some unwanted fantasy. I used to have crushes on some of my male friends who I went to the same college as, but I knew how to control my urges. I still do. Just glad that I don’t listen much or take too much notice of said harmless fantasies about my crush. It’s JUST a crush
I’d be a fool to lose what I already have with P. Why would I even want to risk losing that? It takes long enough to even want to be in a new relationship with anyone. Remember, just because someone has a crush on someone, it doesn’t mean that they’re actually going to be ripping that person’s clothes off and jumping into bed with them. Some people watch too many TV shows and think that what they’re watching on TV, is going to happen to them. It isn’t. It’s fine. Please stop worrying.

Hi K,

I’m so glad that I received a letter from you in the post. And you even got me a postcard with a photo of a grey tabby cat on the front. You know how much I adore cats 🙂 Just waiting for your phone call now, to arrange with you when you can come over to my flat. I haven’t chosen a name for said rescue cat yet. I am still trying to think of what to call it. Much love.

It doesn’t take much to make me happy. Stability, peace, some good company. I don’t think that’s too much. Yet I struggle to think of many times when I had all three.

When I was younger, I had so many dreams. I wanted to travel. Not just to see the world, but to fully immerse myself in foreign cultures. I wanted lots of money, to buy myself the nicest of all things that I desired. I wanted respect; at that point I was already tired of being overlooked and under-appreciated. I wanted a full life of experiences and romances that I could remember even when I was old.

But life comes at you fast. Faster than anyone can prepare you for. I had a lot of momentum, and rode that through my early 20s. I still felt like an outsider mostly, but at least I had a positive trajectory. Then I messed up a couple opportunities, lost some of that mo. I spent too much time trying to improve social elements of my life, which I was never very good at, and not enough time working on myself and my own long-standing issues. Things were already stalling a little, and then my entire life got turned upside down, all that inertia I had coasted on disappeared overnight. And I spent the next few years wallowing in the fact that nobody really cared as long as they still got whatever it was they wanted from me.

Now, I just feel alone and hopeless. Like my life has already passed me by. I never questioned my capabilities to overcome any obstacle in my life, but now I find myself gripped with the question: can I summon the strength to start over completely? Or is it already too late for me? Do I need to adjust my expectations for a life of total mediocrity? No one is going to help me, it’s all up to me. I have never really had much confidence, but now I have none at all.

Still tho, I can’t just completely give up, right? The odds may have never been so stacked against me, but, what if I could still have 10% of the life I wanted? What about 50%? What if, I could just get over this mountain, and my life is better than I could have ever expected and this looks like a little bump in the rear view? I have to tell myself that. False hope is better than none at all.

i dont even know where to begin.

we loved each other, didnt we? that wasnt fake, was it? im questioning everything now because nothing makes sense anymore and life feels so empty and pointless. im in apathetic self destruction mode, and my heart hasnt stopped physically hurting since you gave me that look when i asked if you still loved me. you were magic. we were magic. i understood when you didnt want to be anything “official” because of your shitty ex. i understood because ive been there, and it’s valid. but do you want to know what else i thought? what i told myself, what i told close friends? i thought that i was perfectly fine with waiting until you were ready for an official label because i could feel in my heart that we were going to spend our lives together so i was in no rush, we had the rest of our lives. i fully felt that. i felt it so deeply. i loved you more than words can ever describe. you told me you loved me too. did you mean it? was i just a rebound? was i just a fuck? did you even mean it when you said it? in every moment i felt like my soul was being touched, were you unimpressed? bored? disgusted? unaffected? i told you how much i loved you. it wasnt a secret. i told you consistently. if you had told me to stop, i would have – but you told me you felt the same. for the first time in my life, i FELT loved.

As much as I have feelings for you, and you have feelings for me, I cannot cheat on my fiance with you. Even if I AM a little bit attracted to you. Plus I’d only let myself down, and I have to live with myself, for the rest of my life, so no. I’m attracted to your lovely sweet personality, but still, i can’t. Maybe if I was single, then yes, I definitely would jump at the chance. However I am committed to my fiance, and I did promise to marry him. Time will tell, but I can’t let anything or anyone come between me and him. By all means it’s flattering to have a young lad trying to win me over, yet I can’t break my standards when it comes to being in a fully committed relationship. I don’t think you thought this through clearly enough. You will probably find someone else that you’re attracted to some time in the future. And I doubt you would die just to have me in your arms and in your bed.