to clear it up…

M:

…I feel a need to get this energy out there, even though you will never see this. I got carried away and told you something I can’t stand by, but I can’t tell you because it won’t make a difference on what reality is. I’ve locked all the doors behind me and am better off. I want to keep my head clear. Talking to you about anything at this point is not wise.

I forgive you, I want you to be happy, but I – this is hard to say. I would hate saying this to anyone. It’s probably unnecessary to ever say it directly. It’s one of those things you can do without announcing, and things will take care of itself, so no need to hurt feelings.

But this is it. I don’t want to be your friend or anything else in the future.

There are things about you that you will never change. And those things are, to me, disrespectful. There’s a history of disrespect. There were some pretty big things that happened that made me realize… never again.

You showed genuine remorse. I don’t doubt that. It always came way later than it reasonably should have. But since you seemed, and still seem, to disagree that you were wrong on one very important issue. That you were justified back then and free to say or do whatever served you and I should have just understood. There is also this misunderstanding that I could still secretly have feelings I don’t, because you took my feelings for granted, or that I would ever be able to continue to like someone in that way who did that to me. Because of those things, it’s uncomfortable for me.

I realized I would always end up feeling used in some way. That’s the problem. That’s why my interest in anything is gone and has been since before I even realized.

I think you may have had the wrong idea that because I had feelings like any person would in the circumstances which you contributed to, or needed reasonable things from you in that case, you were in a position to “accept or reject” me or compare / juggle me with some other person who you always had to emphasize you cared about more, that something you said regarding my value would have an impact on any of my life choices. That wasn’t true at all. Those things really had the effect of removing feelings I had, permanently.

Since when trying to be nice to me after all that, or showing that however you messed up before is somehow not related to what I know it is, you also often contradicted yourself and were in the same sentence as telling me how great I am, always alluding to what I know was wrong that you did not think was wrong, and are, probably despite yourself, showing more disrespect for me.

The thing that is also uncomfortable, I know you didn’t tell me things, and you never made it right. You can’t be sorry but not tell the whole story. You can’t be sorry and not take things back.

I know a lot of things you don’t realize I know. Like who it was. Things you tried to keep me in the dark about that the universe handed me at the right times, in mysterious ways. For a time I waited for a demonstration of change that never came. Definitely too long, and wasted energy on my part. I gave up long ago. Talking to you has always stressed me out.

Because your mindset about all these things is so not in line with how I do things. I don’t need that. I don’t want even a friend who thinks they are in some position to pick and choose among the people they meet, or decide whether another person or that is interesting, or boring, or attractive, and comment on it, overlooking that I may not even like that, because I know that when someone talks to you like that about others they are talking or thinking about you behind your back in that way too. That they are somehow higher than you.

And with relationships, I don’t think finding someone is about checking boxes or just finding whoever because it’s more about convenience. I don’t like that kind of thing. It doesn’t go along with the way I want to see or treat others.

I don’t like situations of vagueness where someone creates mental confusion. I naturally move away. I like it where there is clarity and trust. Equality and respect.

I don’t have any bad energy towards you. I just want to be separate and leave it in my past. I gave you other, easier reasons to keep you from feeling worse.

I didn’t want to hear from you anymore because I knew by then I would never be able to go backwards with what I know. I would never be able to see you coming around for anything besides a temporary reaction in your life due to some “lack” you were feeling in the moment. As it always was.

If you think you have any feelings for me or ideas that I would be okay with something later, which I admit would be partly my fault, being too nice. But as I said anyway, you need to move on. It does no good to hold on to ideas that are unrealistic.

I’m not the right person for you, not able to be a friend anymore. I know that is right, because enabling you or going against the insight I gained would never be good.

M

Waiting

I’m outside the school with my husband waiting for the kids to file out for pickup. There are a few other parents about and the high schoolers trickle out from the school across the street.

Suddenly there’s this loud rapid clicking sound behind us, I turn around to see a young Hispanic looking boy hanging out of the backseat of a car passing by, aiming a large paintball gun at another group of high schoolers that had just crossed the street. It’s empty and no one is hurt but the threat of intimidation is clear. The group of kids being aimed at, when they realize what is happening, pick up the pace to get away .

Glad I wasn’t alone to witness this one, very often when I’m relaying things I’ve seen to my husband I feel like the seriousness of it gets diluted because he doesn’t see it for himself . Does that mean we can do anything about it? Not really, but if those kids recognized the instigator they could. Maybe I can email the school but I’m not sure that will accomplish much with the little description of the incident I can provide.

I’m trying not to let this shut me down to the outside world. My kids been wanting to do ballet so I got her enrolled in some after school classes. She loved the first lesson and I look forward to seeing her first performance. Later in the year they’ll be putting on shows at a few local nursing homes and I think of how my late great gram gram would have loved that. I was in gymnastics myself in my youth and even won a few medals, I found the experiences to be both rewarding and a force to rip me out of my fear of presenting in front of my peers.

Dear Z

It really isn’t all about you. There are a billion other people on this planet. Why do you act so spoilt rotten? It’s not going to come across well to a lot of people. There is more to life. You could start earning people’s respect, by not behaving as if your entitled to the world and it’s exclusive kingdoms that no-one can even get into without some magical key. I don’t know anyone who behaves quite as entitled as you do. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue, and accept that the whole world and it’s axis, doesn’t revolve around YOU and only YOU. Jmho, but I think that your parents didn’t give you enough attention or love. That can’t have been very nice for you. Yet please don’t take it out on the rest of the world. You’re just making yourself look stupid and ignorant.

8 years later

Hey love,
Its been awhile since I last wrote on here but here I am. Its been 8 years since we’ve last connected and you told me you were getting back with you ex.

My birthday was this past week and you reached out mom to inquire if I was married? When she told you no, you told her a brief update about your life. I know you and I know you wanted me to know that. I appreciate the birthday shoutout. But I wonder if its genuine, considering you are no longer with you wife. Not sure what happened but I wonder what you think of you now.

To be honest, I miss you and was hoping you would reach out to give a birthday shoutout. Funny thing is you haven’t notice that I unblocked you over a year ago and you could have just wrote to me indirectly.

One day you might need me more………..

One day, you might need me more than ever before, but right now, why would you even bother believing that in the present? Believe this, I’m older than you, so I’m WAY more experienced in life. I’ve been that girl who managed to escape from a bad guy, who i used to be in a relationship with. Not because other people were telling me to leave him, but because I could see right through him MYSELF. In his actions and the way he said certain things. Deep down in my gut instinct, I knew really that he was too much trouble to stay in the relationship with. Just because I was once engaged to him, it didn’t mean that I should have felt obliged to go ahead and marry him. It also didn’t mean that I had to stay in the relationship. I have my own mind as much as anyone else does. I can also choose who to be with for the long-term, just as much as anyone else can. Please don’t stay in a bad relationship just because it pleases the other person in the relationship. It won’t do your sanity any good in the long-term. Just because you haven’t found a man more deserving of having you, yet, it doesn’t mean that you won’t find him ever. It takes patience. And if you do want children with a man, somewhere down the line, just make sure that he is wise, and has a sensible head on him. No more of the street gang crap. I think you know YOURSELF deep down, that some rapper street gang member isn’t really want you want. Also, just because you might have a crush on a guy, it doesn’t mean that he is the right one for you. Love is very different to just having a crush on someone. Please don’t be sucked in and manipulated and used by men from street gangs anymore. It won’t do you any good.

Sticker from Zion

When I’m not feeling well or need a pick me up I think back to camping trip to Zion. I wasn’t feel well one of the days so while everyone went to the Zion visitor center I stayed behind at the camp site. When you came back you told me a very sweet story. When you were little you would get stickers when you were not feeling well. So you got me a sticker from visitor center to help me feel better. That was such a sweet and it did make me feel better.

Let’s just be completely honest……

I think the time has come to go our separate ways. Fully, this time. If you can’t be bothered with it, then neither should I. I’m sure you’re just stringing me along. Whatever you’re getting out of this, must be hilarious to you. Well good for you, but it’s not really doing anything for me. What’s the point of keeping my phone number if you can’t be bothered then? You’re ex girlfriend was telling me a few days ago that she actually thinks that you’re not worth the trouble. I actually believe her though. You’re only putting in half-hearted effort. Glad I didn’t hold on to that ring after all. It doesn’t matter if I remember you years down the line, it won’t stop me from being with another lad. It’s the truth. Memories are just that. Memories. It’s not as if I would die without you. I just think it’s a shame, but never mind, life goes on, and I always move forward.

Sorry!!

I’ve only just realised that I’d forgotten your birthday. Don’t scold me for it. It was with all of the hype about christmas, and what with your birthday being in December, well it does clash with christmas a bit. 28th December. I have remembered your birthday every other year, apart from THIS year. Hope you’re not angry with me. I would never mean to do that. I even forgot my aunty’s birthday, because her birthday is in December aswell. Her birthday is on christmas day, so yeah. I will just get you a late birthday card and a late birthday gift. I wouldn’t forget your birthday on purpose. There’d be no point. xxx

Denzel A

I have always had a thing about you. You’re impossible to please. You’re the bad one. The one who has all the qualities but you’re also a f up. You’re my one that got away.. and you went down this path of horrible consequences. I would have given so much to be yours. I believed in it, dreamt of it, prayed for it. The first time I saw you I thought “yep they will be mine” and you were but you were also always out of reach. I’ll never know if it was me. You’ve apologized more times than I can count. I never can believe it. I wont ever believe it. I have a note in my phone of you telling me you loved me. And I read it sometimes and wonder how true it really is or ever was. I wish I could have been what you wanted before you ruined your life. I wish things could have been the way i wanted. I hear songs on the radio and think of you. I have this weird connection where I can literally FEEL when you’re thinking about me… and when you’re going to reach out. I dont know why with you. I wish I could turn it off. I wish the ONE single time we were both available for something it would have worked. Instead you turned into a junkie and left me standing there with a broken heart, a load of doubt about what is wrong with me, and a lot of unanswered questions. Maybe one day things will be different. Maybe not. I do love you though. Deeply. Truly. Stupidly. You taint every relationship I have because all I want is you. Whatever we had, it was powerful and messed me up and continues to.