Goodbye

It’s funny how things change over time. Just about a decade now since we met. Man, time flies. Back then, I was so enamored with you, I thought it was such a blessing to have you in my life. But looking back now its easy to say meeting you was one of the worst things to ever happen to me.

You’ll never see this, and even if you did you wouldn’t care. But I’m gonna tell you what you took from me. I gave you EVERYTHING I had and even though you never cared about me you took and took and took until I had nothing left. You drained my soul of all my drive and ambition, my hope and dreams. You completely destroyed my ability to trust, and shattered whatever confidence I had when it came to dating, and really just life in general. You humiliated me countless times, made me a joke to numerous people who were significant in my life, ruining a lot of friendships along the way. I didn’t want anyone to see what you had done to me, how wounded and vulnerable I have felt ever since. I still feel that way, like some toy in a store you walked into and played with for a minute then smashed on the ground for no good reason and calmly walked away. No one wants a broken toy. And the things you broke in me, I don’t think they can ever be fixed. I’m not being dramatic and I’ve tried, but it’s impossible to not realize how deep down the damage goes, how irreparable the scars from the pain you caused. I fear I will always be alone.

Of course you don’t have to worry about that. You never actually invested any part of yourself into me so your life is probably exactly the same with or without me in it. Maybe you’re a drastically different person with people you actually care about, warm and kind and supportive and all the things I never felt from you. Regardless, you’ll never be alone, not for long at least. Bully for you.

I don’t hate you, or wish you ill. I just wish I’d never met you, never started talking to you, never let you suck me into the black hole you kept me in for years. Alas, the damage is done, and there are no lessons to be learned. It just sucks for me, alot, like it always has, like it always will. Goodbye A.

The end of 1220

My dear wife,

This is the most painful feeling in the world. Saying goodbye to 10 years of marriage almost 11. Saying goodbye to our jokes and your smile. Saying goodbye to what May have been. I’m sorry I failed you and was never truly present. I’m sorry it caused you too drink and think someone else could make you happy and satisfy you. I want the best for you. If it’s not me then it will hurt but I will accept it. I have always loved you unconditionally. I have never judged you for your mistakes. You just could never get over mine and had to turn to others to shield your heart from me. I get it. It’s easy when you have people around you who just want to suck the happy from you because they are miserable. Your friend is always looking for guys so of course if you’re with her why wouldn’t you be too? It sucks that in a matter of weeks you changed your mind because I needed space and time. I didn’t turn to women. I turned to friends and drinking. Yes drinking wasn’t smart but I never wanted anyone else. Just you. You made it clear that you don’t care. You just want love no matter where it comes from. I hope he treats you well. I hope you’re happy. Goodbye forever. Because I have no hope we will ever be together again. Your lost hope on being able to fix this is exactly what let’s me know…. We won’t. My heart breaks, so much more than it was before.

I wish

Before I met you, I had a lot of bad experiences dating, or trying to. That hasn’t really gotten any better, but it may explain partly why I was so taken aback with you, so unprepared for who you actually are when I kept expecting something else. My attempts to get to know you better were generally met, not with empty silence, but satisfying conversation. Instead of trying to create and enforce the perception of your greater value, you treated me as an equal. And whereas my romantic overtures or gestures have been so often met with scorn and contempt, you were always appreciative and respectful.

But more important than anything else, you were always kind. It doesn’t seem like that big of a thing until you’re deprived of it to the extent you don’t believe you even deserve it or could hope to be treated that way anymore. You are kind, compassionate, and understanding, and while you possess so many good qualities, these are what attract me to you the most.

I wish so badly that I could be the lucky one who gets the privilege to make you happy. I wish I could fill your life with constant reaffirmations of how beautiful and smart and capable you are. I wish I could live up to your expectations of me when all I do is fail and fail and fail. There’s a life out there that could be so incredibly satisfying and fulfilling for both of us and I wish I had held up my end to make that even a feasible dream.

Of all my failures, you are my greatest, not just because of how many times I failed you, but how many times I failed me too. I don’t think I’ll ever find a life that would fill me with as much joy as one with you would. And I blew it. I can only hope this pain helps drive me forward.

Love,
Me

Family Friend

Dear Family Friend,

The problem is that I love you. I wish I didn’t and maybe things would have been simpler if I didn’t. I still dream of you and I wish I didn’t anymore. I wish you were wiped out completely from my heart and mind then maybe I would find some semblence of peace in this life. I hate you because I love you and I wish I didn’t hate you. I hate you because I know you wiĺl never love me back. I hate that I have to act like a cold fish, holding my feelings back when all I want is to love you and to show you that I love you. I hate myself for loving you so much. I hate myself for caring about you so much. I hate myself for needing you. I hate that I worry about you and your well being so much. I hate myself for still dreaming about you. I hate myself because you pity me. I hate that I have to be in such pain because of love of you. I hate myself so much for my suffering. I hate myself for not being able to move on. I hate myself for still writing about you. I hate myself for thoughts of you that creep in when I think I am healing. I hate myself because I am weak. I resent myself so much for being in this position. I wish that I didn’t expect anything from you like love, care and tenderness or even your attention but I can’t help but want them from you soo much. I wish you loved me too, so much. I wish I hadn’t entertained thoughts of you at all. The thought of you loving someone else tears me to pieces. It’s like a cord being pulled out of my own being, my very soul. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it. Maybe I am sick, maybe I have some sort of obsession sickness. I mean there must be someone out there who can help explain this. Maybe even a cure exists for such ailments of the heart. I wish there was another man out there strong and powerful enough to pull my feelings from you. Strong and powerful enough to pull you from my conscious and subconscious. Strong and powerful enough to wipe you from my dreams. A man whose love, presence and very being is so strong and powerful enough that his fire consumes even the presence and thoughts of you from existence, burning them to a pile of ash only to fly away and disappear into nothingness. Maybe this person exists or maybe he doesn’t. I wish I had left it as just a crush and I wish I had not told you I loved you only to have to take those words back just so we would be “cool”. But things have never ever been the same since I told you my feelings. Instead I felt treated with disgust, like I am nothing not even deserving of a response. This kind of love is evil, it shouldn’t even exist at all. It’s evil because it is unwanted. It’s evil because it’s not needed. It’s evil because it’s not wished for. It’s evil because it makes things uncomfortable. If I had money I would move to a far away country just to get away from you and the thought of you because then maybe I would know that we would never ever meet and I would be free of the thought of your presence. At least that kind of torment I think I will be spared from. Maybe then I wouldn’t lament the “what ifs” if I am far away from you. Maybe I would be fortunate enough to forget you completely like you never existed and were just a figment of my imagination. I feel like a burden to you and I am sure that you feel that I am a burden to you too because you know of my feelings for you. I am sorry for making you feel like you have to avoid me. I am sorry for making you cringe at the thought and sight of me. I am sorry that I am a burden to you. I am sorry that you have to go through this. I am sorry that I put you in such an awkward position. I am sorry that I am a silly stupid woman. I am sorry for needing your love and affection. I am sorry I am seem so desperate. I am sorry that you have to hide yourself from me. I am sorry that you have to avert your eyes from mine. I really do wish that things were simple. Unfortunately I am not simple. I am a complicated, unpredictable woman whose presence and existence I wish I could remove completely from your life. The distance between us now is not enough for your peace nor mine. I thought this distance would make things easier for me and you, but for me it has proved otherwise. Peace and freedom would be for me to move to another country or to die. For you to be free of the unwanted love of a woman you don’t love or care for in that way. For you to be free of me. For you to be free of this burden. For these are the things you deserve. Peace and freedom from this evil love.

From: Your family friend, your Lovenemy

Finally…

I can honestly say I don’t do this often. The chances and the intention is for you to never find this. The intention isn’t even for you as much as you would so deeply want it to be. To use it like a news article or sign that in some way, I’m weak or care or even thought of you. Truth is this isn’t even for you. This is for me. Although you are another person in this world; the emotional pain and confusion and selfishness you carried broke my perception of love and what I had hoped for…. And I’m grateful.

Being so torn and confused as to such a beast you had become to the point where your story on your end wanted to continue. You just couldn’t let go, you wanted to see me fail in some childish way. Finally I’m in a place where the thought of you isn’t an emotion. You aren’t a sore spot in my body. You aren’t a regret or wishful thought. You aren’t a desire. You aren’t a question. You are just a memory of what was, what could have been.. and what I never care to revisit. I’m free…

Just to let it out there im even braver than you had met me. I see the silly shit show you had as friends and the veil in which I had once sought you as true love… I see now as an immature human. You wanted to live the life you felt you never had, now you seek contentment and happiness and I know all you hold is sorrow and regret in hopes for someone else to validate your story tales.

I came back braver. I came back with loving myself even more. I came back over time to find what you saw in me was what you wished you had. You couldn’t control me, or stop me. You couldn’t prevent my shine. You couldn’t take me down…. And in the end maybe your work and effort back fired. Maybe the drinks and other ransoms and secrets just couldn’t be held in. I even was shown a dumb ass picture of you someone showed me under some stupid sexual page and I’m not surprised…. You always had a way of; going above and beyond I suppose? Even your friends I had blocked seem to hold this mirror of stupidity to social media as if it’s ok to do this while it was found to be… hilarious.

I can finally say I don’t care. I’m smiling. I’m free. I don’t need anyone or anything. I don’t hold back… I don’t give a shit.

This is for me. Dear self, look back in humor. Look back in self reflection. Remind yourself how you shall continue to move up, be stronger and get more in which you deserve. The past is exactly what it is. The Past. I am proud of your endless courage
And bravery and abilities in which you were vulnerable. But I’m also happy in which you are now at peace with it all.

May more amazing things happen for me. And this is me finally being able to say… goodbye.

And May all that you deserve come to you.

After the snowstorm

My daughter graduated from kindergarten earlier this week, her ceremony taking place the day after some asshole in Texas decided to reenact the star wars kid slaughter scene.
Even though I wanted to just keep her home and skip the ceremony all together, we did it anyway. I think, we will not be intimidated by terrorists. That’s not the whole of it though, I know that happy milestone memories are important anchors against would be devastation and sometimes you just have to work with what you got. So I put on my brave face.

It’s a perfect spring day as we gather on the lawn, a completely different face from earlier in the week. I buy my baby a rose, and cheer with the rest of the parents as the children march out.
The teachers take turns reading a poem about everything you learn in kindergarten including the essentials of cleaning up after yourself to the mortality of all living things, and I’m pretty sure we’re all crying now but the sad tears get a moment for pride as the kids are then called up for their achievement certificates. My kid spotted me almost immediately when she came out and she signs I love you to me from her seat. After she and the others collect their belongings , the kids are released to us for the summer. I take my kid to the Taste of Denmark bakery nearby and we load up on delicious pastries to celebrate.
Meanwhile I keep tabs on the news coming out of Texas, and it’s grim. Law enforcement in tha hallway just waiting for over an hour while the kids are being shot, babies using their friends blood to play dead so the killer will pass them over. I hate this.
In response, DPS passes a multimillion dollar investment towards mental health services and training in schools. While I read , Texas will no longer admit even parents into school buildings unannounced I think to myself well we’ve already been doing that here, our schools lock up tight after a certain time and though this had been a source of frustration to me when I needed to walk to pick up the kid and needed the restroom, I’d rather them be safe than under assault.
My kid likes school , I’ve talked to her about homeschooling without giving her the gorey details, but she wants to continue her campus experience , I understand the value of a good educator to the power of her development and know that she won’t always feel that spark for learning if it comes from just me.
I’ve read that there is a significant amount of data to back a course of action that prevents the loss of life that we’re experiencing daily in our schools, not only in the realm of gun purchase but in schools with psychological support and tutelage, so that when someone feels that impulse towards violence they are better able to navigate their thoughts to walk away from committing the act before it happens.