wrote & sent a year ago, still can’t reread it, still feel the same

Tara,

So this is it. I kind of thought I’d never get here, that this place was going to hold me hostage forever. Of course that’s dramatic. As this is inevitably going to be too.

I don’t really know where to begin. I hate when situations have me having trouble finding the words. I really don’t think that I’d have as strong of a chance of making it without you. I have tried to get as much of your insight as I can because I realized that you were really making me see things differently. Made me realize that I wanted to be different. That I wanted to live. (Despite nearly killing myself over you) Which is why I never wanted to get up and leave your office. (Well one of the reasons) Seeing things through clearer lenses even though it hurt to start getting there, I needed that. And everything felt foggy and unreal until you started helping me put the pieces together. And you wouldn’t just let me not uncover the things that I didn’t want to. You pushed me to work harder and give this whole thing more and even though that pissed me off sometimes it was necessary. I realized that you really put the meaning into “method to the madness.” I was sure that there was no saving me. I wrote something about that once. Because I just felt like nothing was ever going to change, that everything was too messed up to come back from. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling really hopeless. But somehow things are different. You flicked the lights back on for me and yelled at me to get the fuck up. You made me see why all the red lights always look damn green to me.

I have a lot that I want to be in life. But I really want to be even close to someone like you. I thought that I knew what impressive people were, but you changed all of my definitions of that. (You even made me see that my dad wasn’t all that which is wild.) Any time it was said to me that I was anything like you, whether it be that I looked like you or had your sense of humor, I took that as a huge compliment. I admire you as a person so much. I’ve always seen how strong you are, how despite saying you have “no soul” you care, how you carry yourself, how you talk to people, how you think, how you’re smart as all hell. You have one of the greatest minds of all time, I’m sure of this. You are something else. You drive me insane (sometimes, well most of the time) but I think meeting you was necessary. And (yeah here’s that dramatic shit but it’s real) if anyone’s impact on my life could save me, it would be yours.

I really didn’t deserve to meet you. But I can tell you that I especially have no ragurts. I would get snatched and kidnapped and almost die and break my hand and miss out on Dunkin Donuts all over again. Because it meant I got to get here and get better and realize things. (Obviously could’ve gone about things better but hey I wouldn’t be me without it being a little crazy.)

I hate that I’m always going to be light years away from you but I have to appreciate this for what it was and let go somehow. I’m convinced that there isn’t anyone else out there like you. You’ve made me want to be happy, to enjoy the sun and sweets and light things. You’re a very rare person to come across. I hope that you always feel loved and happy and beautiful and everything good this life has to offer. I believe that everything happens the way it’s supposed to but I can’t help but wish that I met you in some other life.

You’re right that I really don’t forget things. I run them over and over in my head. And so luckily I remember a lot of our conversations (but also the random stuff), I remember playing with play dough in your office. I remember you dropping your keys after repeatedly spinning them around your fingers. I remember you comparing me to a duck. I remember spilling ginger ale on myself in the hospital and you joking that I should be good at drinking things by now. I remember you gave me a mint and said that if I told rian foster that you’d take all my left shoes. You’re really a weirdo. (In a good way.)

You inspire me to be a version of myself that I didn’t know existed. Even half unconscious, messed up me knows that just having you with me made me feel so much better. Hence why asking for you was the first thing I said when I woke up. I hope that everyone who gets to have you in their life for real never forgets how lucky they are.

I can’t thank you enough for the countless hours you’ve spent with me, not just in the cad but in the damn hospital, digging through all of my bullshit with me, dealing with my starry eyed self. Tara, thank you for not giving up on me despite all the “weird stuff.” For being able to make me laugh in shitty situations. It made me feel better knowing that someone like you was rooting for me, was there for me.

I definitely won’t forget about you or the things you taught me. I hope you know just how much you’ve helped me. I really could never express it enough, even with being a wizard with words and all.

I don’t know how to end this. I wish there was a good enough way to.

Thank you again for everything Tara. I hope to see you on the flip side. Xx

To the owner of this site…

Dear Owner of LINS,

I love you. I love you for putting this site back up, even though you so devastatingly lost all of the work you put into it before.

I came to realize that your site was a point of sanity in my sometimes chaotic life. A place I would often retreat to in the middle of the night to say the thoughts I could never say out loud. To empty myself onto this ‘piece of virtual paper’, and send all of my feelings out into the universe, knowing that someone somewhere would most likely read it, and yet it would most likely never be anyone I know.

I suppose AA meetings and the like are supposed to hold the same appeal… But they don’t. I don’t want anyone to see me. To classify me by my appearance, my race, my cultural background, financial status or any of the other multitude of things that are so quickly used to someone up and dismiss them.

My thoughts have been chaotic and disorganized since this site was gone. Tonight, in the midst of everything going on… Fighting a breakdown, and struggling to hold onto hope, any hope… I came to this site to see if by any chance it was still up.

Thank you… Thank you so much… All of your work was not in vain. You have no idea the kind of impact you have had on the world. So much of us are trapped, trapped holding everything inside of us- because frankly, we are a fucked up mess that looks extremely good most of the time. We are the pillars of our families, we hold so many people up that we cannot let anyone see us crack, because then they would crack too.

I am so extremely alone, despite being surrounded by people. This site is the only place I can go to empty my feelings, and just for one minute not feel alone.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You are an amazing person. Believe this. It is true.

Thank you so much!

Satellite In My Eyes

Nikki,

When I came back home in July of last year after spending 13 months away, I planned to start working as a way to stay the fuck away from home and make my own money to get ready for leaving this place. I remember the night I sent in my application, my mom had made me cry on the phone, and I remember thinking that I had to get out of here and really start thinking about me. I wonder where we would be if that never happened.

I liked you from the beginning. I also liked him from the beginning. I don’t remember what drew me to you at first. It was like you didn’t draw me into you in a conscious way, I just naturally knew you mattered to me. That I liked you. I know I did nothing but love on you for the better part of a year. I showed you that I was nothing but together. But you see, I grew to be lying about that more and more.

I’m so sorry, Nikki. I’m so sorry that I once again had to destroy something good. This is my pattern. I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. It’s something I’m aware of, not that I’m making excuses. I recreate the trauma and chaos that I’ve always known in my life perpetually. If you know anything about PTSD – I compulsively recreate trauma. Put myself through it.

This isn’t meant to be a pity me sob story, at the end of the day I am responsible for me. I am responsible for my actions. I am responsible, I am accountable. I control me. But the twisted things I want to do often overpower me. And believe it or not, I think this is still a process of me getting better. I want to be better.

Nikki, I am sorry that you were on the receiving end of this. It tore me up for days. It tore me up the whole time it was happening. I was so sick, it was all over me. Again, this is not about me, I cannot imagine how you felt and feel.

I’m not going to parade around like I’m innocent, and I’m sorry if it’s coming across like I am. I am terrified of this. I am horrified at myself for allowing it. I am disgusted at these things I did. I am so sick to my stomach about it. But I emulate someone stronger than myself so I tried to control my emotions and stay neutral. As much as I fought against getting emotional, as all I am is emotions. I wanted to fall before you and beg for your forgiveness. I wanted to see all that damn pain leave you. I wanted the warmth that I intended to melt that coldness towards me. I never wanted to be on the receiving end of that, and for a rightfully so reason. It felt like my upset stomach was poured into one of the soup pots and stirred by your hands.

And I know this has to feel like a crash you hear in the kitchen, running towards it just as you first heard it and falling on broken glass. Everything you thought you knew falling to pieces in front of you. And Nikki, I’m so sorry.

You have every right to feel the way you do. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could pour my heart out to you and tell you all of everything like it’s something that would help, like it’s something that would make you see and understand and forgive me. God, I know that can’t happen. I know now I will only ever be a very shit person in your already full circle of pretty shit people. I am now something I never wanted to be to you, someone who doesn’t treat you in a way you deserve. And that was everything I always spoke against to you. I called myself your friend. Looked you in the eyes as I said it. And turned around and stabbed you in the back as I never even gave you a warning.

Nikki I am so sorry. You don’t even know. I will never be able to show you. I sabotage everything good. I put myself through pain on purpose. I have never known stability. I’m sorry.

Old Woes

It was bound to happen. I was drawn in since day one. This was so strange, as it usually manages to be. All the weird stuff. I’m still so caught up over you. But there was a package deal that caught my eye.

I liked both of them. A lot. Heard they were together. Had been for five years. Had four dogs together. I became close with both of them. Heard they broke up. Had been wanting to make something happen. With both. But with her. That would be a dream.

I got you. Where I wanted you. And I got her. Where I never wanted her. We did this. It happened. It happened in her house. It happened basically on her front lawn. I betrayed her. Knowing her heart. Knowing how she still loved him. Still coincides with him.

I just couldn’t help myself. I got caught. She knows and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that it doesn’t even matter that it breaks mine. Hers. I hurt her. I hurt her and she’s still this beautiful presence that I don’t even deserve to be around. I never deserved to know her. I never deserved to touch her.

Does she see that this is hurting me? I don’t even care about hiding it at this point, I may be good in my areas of manipulation. I may have a particular set of skills. But I am still someone who is all feelings. I am still someone with a heart. I am still someone who cares about her deeply.

I was so overwhelmed with her again tonight, I saw her and she said hello to me with her sad eyes that used to look at me with light just a week ago. I crushed it under my feet repeatedly. Crushed out the light that I enjoyed so much. That carried me through some low points. That I looked forward to.

And right after I came back inside from talking to him, after how earlier I had broke down in tears after that comment was made to me, that I know she heard, that I know she saw cut me, that I know cut her too. I didn’t even care if she knew. It wasn’t even the comment. It was all those damn overwhelming emotions, a buildup. I broke down from how I feel about this. Cried. Went to be alone. Fell sort of weak.

She helped me with a problem. She made something happen for me. Something small but she helped me. She was sweet, she was sad, and I missed her. I miss her. I was nervous and thanked her and had my hand on my neck. I kept zoning out. The girl with your name was there for a midnight shift. She kept asking me what was wrong. What was wrong I couldn’t tell her and I had to fight every urge to chase her out the door. To look her in the eyes and tell her how sorry I am. To absolve my guilt. To have her back. But I never will. I stabbed her in the back and I’m sick about it.

We were in close quarters just the two of us. We had walked into the bathroom at the same time. I heard her blow her nose and it brought me back to how she cried. I washed my hands beside her and it made me wish that I could just wash this off of me. Off of her. As much as I tried to fight it I couldn’t bring my head up and risk meeting her eyes. She took a deep breath and I felt tears well up in my eyes. She was right beside me, so close, and in a matter of no time at all she is so far from me. And it’s on me. I fucked up.

I told him that my intentions were never to hurt her. He said in the same sad tone that she’s had lately, “no one ever has bad intentions in a situation like this.” I know. I know that my intentions don’t matter. It was still a decision I made and I am no baby. I know it was wrong.

He told me that this was an explosive situation from the beginning. And I know. I’ve always known that. And even just talking about it, my mind replays what it looked like to see the pieces from that explosion hit her in the face. Seeing pieces of it cut her skin, stick out of her. It was like seeing someone brutally cut open in front of you.

But then I learned what you did to me.

But in the end, I got the upper hand.

Letter to myself

I am sorry that with every guy that you meet, that you think you both can have a chance , don’t see you worthy of patience, love, care and respect. I am sorry that they don’t want to get to know you. I am sorry that all they want is to lie and sleep with you, leaving you empty. I am sorry that every word you utter to them is a joke. They don’t see you as someone who is valid and has feelings and ideas. I am sorry that they are selfish people . They don’t deserve you. They don’t deserve your time or your friendliness. They deserve nothing from you. You deserve better and miracles of blessings find you now under grace in the most perfect miraculous ways.

Unrequited love for an old man

Dear M Sensei,

How are you? I wonder what you’re doing right now. I can imagine that you’re on your table, doing office work, being completely dull looking as usual. 

I wrote this letter to tell you that I love you. Seems a bit shocking is it not? After all, although you’re unmarried, you’re almost 60 with balding hair and a thin, frail body. Not exactly the strapping young man that I typically get into.

The truth is I don’t know how it started. It was definitely not love at first sight. When I first started working with you I only saw you as a coworker. I’m even a bit scared of you. After all, you’re the same age as my mom. That can be quite intimidating.

However, throughout our meetings I started to know you. You’re more than just some old man. I discovered the way your mind works, your sense of humor and your opinions on things. You make me laugh when I am sad. You try to tell me that I am needed, that my job is important and that I can make a difference. I know it seems a bit silly to you but those words are what kept me going when I feel like I will never be happy again.

Before I knew it I also noticed small things like the way you eat your lunch just before 4th period and how you choose to eat it in a separate table and not on your desk. I noticed that you didn’t talk to other people much. You just try to blend in the background and in company parties you go home first. 

I will never forget that time when we were having our meeting at the tea ceremony room. There was a sudden earthquake. It was so strong I felt like the windows were going to break. You hugged me so suddenly. I felt like my heart was going to burst! I didn’t know how long we stayed like that. 10 seconds? 10 hours? I honestly don’t know. When the earthquake stopped you asked “Are you okay?” and I felt my face getting hot. My head must have looked like a tomato. How embarrassing. I don’t even know how I responded. I just remembered mumbling some weird excuse about how I should go and getting out of the room with a feeling that I can’t explain. Like I’m invincible and I can do anything but also I wanted to run and hide. 

Whenever we’re having meetings I still imagine that hug from you but I try to brush it off. Let’s be realistic. There’s no way I can ever be with you, though you are single I’m not. I have a boyfriend 6 years younger than me. I can’t leave him. He does love me and I don’t want to hurt him. He’s still very important to me. How strange. I’m with a younger lover but I’m secretly in-love with an old man. Usually it’s the other way around.

I always wondered, what would people say if they found out? That I’m trying to chase an old man for his money? I have too much pride for that.

I feel like I’m trash but I can at least do what’s best for everyone. I will not ‘rock the boat’. I will not leave my boyfriend and I will never tell you how I feel.

I hope you find your happiness. I will do my best too. Someday I will forget you. I’ll focus on the person who is with me. And so by writing this letter I hope I’m also burying  my feelings for you deep inside my heart. It will be hidden forever. 

Though you will never know, I will always love you.

I remember.

I love you, I have since aged 17, 10 years later, I love you just as much, if not more. I lost you, because I never thought you loved me. I ran away from you. I found my life, with another. We made a beautiful son. The ray of sunshine in all the madness, my cheeky little trouble making monkey boy, who makes my heart burst. Now you come riding back into my life now?
After everything? After I cried for you for years? Cried for a love that never was. Now, now you beg for me. Now, you take your walls down, you show me it all. But is it too late? Is my “true” love something I now deserve? After 4 years of having him? No, he never made me forget you, but he never hurt me. Yes, he tried to fill the void you left but never succeeded. He is a wonderful father and a loving partner, but just not for me. But after all that am I ALLOWED to feel these things for you still?
I remember how good you used to make me feel. How you convinced me that the world needed me and helped me through the darkness when it was threatening to swallow me whole. How you held my hand whenever I was scared. The pink fairy teddy that you brought me “because you sprinkle all your goodness over my world”. The one I still have sat at the end of the bed. When you sang to me down the phone whenever I was down. How you were my own personal little cheerleader, always celebrating with me, even about the small wins. How you drank way too much tequila with me and told me how our future would be, every last little detail. How we argued like cat and dog over the stupidest of things, but you didn’t believe in sleeping on arguments, so we always had to make up. How I got butterflies every time I saw your smile. How you would use your hand and trace words onto my back and make me guess things that you wouldn’t say aloud.
I miss it all. But, right now, do I deserve to? I have a whole other life now, but I know for sure, if you gave me one of your smiles? Hell, I’d be like putty in your hands all over again. I’m sorry for running.. I just needed more – I needed firm commitment and not pretty promises, that I didn’t know had any follow-up. I’m sorry for running.. I just loved you too much to stay and beg for someone who wasn’t ready. I always said to myself; give him time, if it’s meant to be, he will come back.. alas, you did not. I learnt to live without you – it took some time. But eventually I got better.
I made a life without you. It was void without you, but I tried. I gave life my all. I passed my degree. But it wasn’t the same, without my cheerleader there. I lost my Grandpa. You never got to listen to another one of his jokes you loved so much. I met a guy. It hurt, but he treated me right. He held me tight and he gave me his world. I allowed it. I wanted to feel loved, to know if it could feel that strong. It didn’t, but it was love, nonetheless. Then came our beautiful baby. The sleepless nights, the postnatal depression. Back to feeling numb and helpless. He helped me. He is a good man. A very good man. But he does not ignite in me, the passion that you do.
You once promised me that I would be the end for you. That no matter what it was me and you. But it wasn’t was it? So why my dear, why now do you sought to find me and pour your heart into me? Why do you come and tell me that you regret not being able to commit? Why do you tell me that you haven’t been happy all these years? That just like me, something was missing? Why do you remind me of such wonderful times? Why do you stir feelings in me that have been dormant for so long? Why do you say you yearn for me? Why do you bring all of these beautiful words and emotions to me, like they’re wrapped up with a perfect bow? Lord, why?
He knows about you, he has from the start and he does now. I am no liar and I cannot lie to a man who has been so good to me. But I can see it in his eyes, I can feel it in his hugs, he knows. And what hurts so much, is that he is such a good man, that he would let me go, to find my happiness. He always said to me, “a love like that only comes once”. He knows, because he lost his. I guess our souls met, because we both knew heartache.
How dare you come back now and do this to me? There’s a quote that goes – “if you love something, let it go, if it was meant to be, it will come back to you” – You certainly took your time, but does that make it anymore untrue?
I love you and I miss you. Right now, I’m remembering the day we went hiking – when I tripped over a stick in that ridiculous outfit I wore to impress you. I’m remembering how I cursed myself out because I then looked stupid and you said “Moo, you could wear a bin liner and I would still find every inch of you beautiful, because this is more than just physical attraction, its attraction of the minds”, that’s the day, the hour, the minute and the second, that I fell in love with you. The honesty, ingenuity and sparkle in your eyes, damn, I could live that day a million times over and still not be bored.
“I don’t know if I stole your love or if it was my fate. I only know it broke my heart to find your love too late.”
Oh my love, how disastrous this could be.