Sis

Dear sis,
You have been a constant in my life from my very first breath. For reasons unknown to me, that has made me n your life, hard. And confusing. Mom says you’re jealous. You always have, been. I know your rules. You know that I know then. I also know your consequences. I am not supposed to have or be in any way better than you, when you judge it. You judge it. And I know how you judge it. Mom thinks I’m winning, in your eyes. I have what you don’t but what you want. It’s to the forefront right now. I see your codependency and to me it is a way to have control. Your rules for, me: no friends. Only you. Something to be causing me pain, such as a daughter on another coast. Your girl(s) seeing me in the way that you do. You are to be the first choice. Don’t choose Mel. One, sister is all ther is room for. Consequences: CUT OUT. Readjustment. Oh this is how it is. I am weary of this. I’ve worked hard to have a relationship with you. I need to step back right. Now. And ow. Because yes it hurts. But it was awfully nice for people to like us. Happy we were there. Not in the way. Not taking up too much air. Or space. Or love. Scarcity sucks and was what you knew because it WAS actually scarce. But 59myears is enough time to have spent apologizing for having come along and, caused, scarcity. You knew it. So instead of dealing with it you work to control it. And me. But it’s done. I’m too, tired. I love you. You are my sister. But energy needs to, flow. Other ways other directions.

Keri – KDS not KDO

Dear Keri (insert birth name here) KDS not KDO,

This is the last letter I will post on this site. It was intended as a private journal. My cowardice was an enormous error and I should have signed my own name instead of <3 K and taken responsibility for what I publicly posted instead of allowing others the credit. In hindsight, I should have wrote in a journal with a lock and key to keep my ex-husband and children out of my thoughts. I should have never put my facebook status as public. It has reverted back to private now and my pinterest boards are locked now, too. Incrementally, I am trying to share bits and pieces of my soul through my writing. That’s the part of myself I identify as an artist, a part that creates and spins words with a flourish. I need to find somewhere to write because I need an outlet for my emotions.

In lieu of past mistakes, I am on several dating websites in
hopes of finding a male lifetime mate. I will be posting on there for responses and photos attached. I will be purchasing a webcam. The video chats will help with identification and verification, add a layer of security to the nervous fragility that is online dating.

I have bonded with a few females, but not in a sexual nature. They felt like soulmates, but I need a male soulmate to date and someday marry. I feel like I was made to love and to be loved and its another piece of myself that is held back because I have not been allowed to love to someone the way that I need to love a man, whole-heartedly and bodily. I need to be loved the
same way in return. We don’t all love the same and not everyone experiences love in the same manner. Yes, I bond emotionally AND physically.

I am slowly freeing myself of the ties that bind and am making myself a priority. That means I am dieting and am reducing the carbs and
overabundance of chocolate. I am exercising at the gym by lifting weights and shaping my body the way that I want it to be shaped. Being slim
and fit is a realistic goal. It is another challenge and another uphill battle.

Signed,
<3 Keri KDS

Innocent by Intent

I would love to be able to tell about R. A Jewish man, philosophy major, even by my standards an true guitar genius, and strung all the way out on meth. He was a beautiful train wreck more akin to the Beat Poets than the zombies trying to steal your car battery. And just like everyone else and on cue, I’ll always wonder where he went.

On his way out, he looked at me and just said, “Man, me and you, we’re innocent by intent. Sometimes shit just happens.” I believe this. I have never set out just to screw someone over but we know all too well that it has happened. Of course I am the one that gets the short end the majority of the time.

In all situations, I try to be the friend that I want to have. That’s why I’d listen to Sally. I know how it feels to be treated as an imbecile by strangers, confusion and loneliness. To have found love and wanted to tell someone. We talked about him and I talked about you. As R put it, you were (are) what I think about when I am thinking about nothing. You accuse me of sleeping with her, knowing I am incapable.

It’s been 4 years and I haven’t looked at another woman. You won’t leave my thoughts. I am still married to you for christ sake. I listened to LLoyd because I know what heartbreak feels like to go through it alone. You’ve not once been by yourself, nevermind alone.

I am alone. Mom’s gone, I am divorced on paper, and absolutely nowhere to go. I will never call home again. The life I want, the happiness I want, no self-help book, no amount of education, no amount of praying, no how many falling stars I wish on like I was 7 and magic was still real, will make it happen.

Ever.

You have never been faithful to anyone. You have knowingly put people out in the snow to die. You have stolen from the homeless. You have hung up on the suicidal. You stole my dog from me. You made me walk 3 miles in the snow with a herniated disk after work, passed out with my best friend.

Yet here I am, riding out the clock in a world gone full tilt writing this, on this site and you sleep just fine. You said “I hope your time gets better.” You know it won’t and can’t and I’ll be doing this again in 3 months.

Wherever you are R, we are innocent by intent, you fabulous fucking disaster.

Sending You Away is Killing Me

I dream about you, not that you’d ever know.
And not just at night, but all throughout the day.
I think about us and how we helped each other grow
I mull over everything I was too scared to say.
I always loved you, not that you’d ever care.
Not as a lover, but as the sun is to the earth
You were my saviour who filled my lungs with air,
And led me to the river when I was dying of thirst.
I miss your laughter as it wrapped around my heart
And pulled me away from my self-created hell
I miss your passion – that illuminating spark
Which showed the path to travel from the shadows where I dwelled.
I miss you wholly, in every imaginable way
But in my folly, I, the Earth, banished the Sun
And enclosed myself in darkness to eternally decay,
Awaiting a dawn that I know will never come.

E

Hello, old friend

A lot has happened in the what, almost 5 years since I’ve seen you. I could fill you in on the details, but the truth is, if you actually cared, you’d already know. I’ve never really withheld anything from you, you just were never interested in any conversation where you weren’t 100% in control.

I’m not doing well. No point in sugar coating it. I feel a little like George Bailey, always trying to do the right thing, always trying to take care of the people he loves, always underappreciated for the sacrifices he makes, this sick world rotting away all the youthful idealism and endless ambition he had as a young man. I know there’s no guardian angel for me, nor any salvation from my “friends” and family. That’s just the movies.

I needed you years ago. As a friend, as a confidante, as a lover. My life could’ve been so different, with just a little bit of stability, a little bit more credibility as a man, a little more confidence. But you chose to break me down and throw me out with the garbage.