I Just Needed to Vent…

I am so angry and have been for quite some time. I honestly cannot figure out how far back, but I am angry, very, very, very, angry. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do. My life isn’t what I want it to be right now. I am grateful for what I do have, but I am not okay. I had to end my therapy sessions because I didn’t appreciate how my therapist spoke to me or felt the need to talk about her issues during my sessions after I was paying for my time. She felt that after three sessions of getting to know me that I wasn’t being honest. Everything I do is honest, and I am extremely, extremely transparent. Nevertheless, I had to end that relationship.

Speaking of relationships, I am in one that I am not happy about. I don’t want to be with him anymore but I also don’t want to be alone. I am fully aware of my selfish behavior, but I just don’t know what else to do. I am tired of not having friends, not being in a healthy and loving relationship. I am not happy that I didn’t end up with the person I wanted to end up with and I am tired

I also feel like I am doing everything alone. I am trying to figure out my next steps in terms of housing, debt payoff, and my future. I have been taking care of myself and other’s needs ahead of my own. Now that I have pretty much stopped, I am now considered selfish. Who takes care of me when I am in need? NO ONE, and I AM TIRED.

ily

I didn’t feel enough. I’d always compare myself to others, wishing I could be someone else. I‘d stand next to others who would receive compliments while I never got any. I wouldn’t have cared who it came from, it just would’ve been nice to hear how much someone appreciated me back then because I always kept wondering what was wrong with me. Maybe it would have opened my eyes sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t have messed up my opportunity to be with you.

If Milk Bar closes

I’ll at least have that memory of the club owner complimenting me on my presence there and handing me a flier for the next event. Another nearby waify dancer who’d been nearby the whole night was offended she did not have as warmly regarded interaction leaving and cast her evil eye and horns back my way and toward the club.

I also had a grand time at the Valentines burlesque freakshow, enjoyed the sights and had a number of solid ladies nights with gal pals. I appreciated the variously themed rooms in the club and broad array of tunes, suprised to hear The Knife there on a number of occassions . I encountered a number of interestingly dressed people I enjoyed sharing the dance room with who complimented me on my choice of dress and sweet moves.

The Church nightclub is a different story , while I appreciated the architectural aesthetic on the husk of a cathedral type church in the heart of downtown Denver the company we would run into seemed a shade more dangerous.

Oh I told you about the warehouse rave right? Another time then.

I’m sorry

Hey! I hope that you’re doing well these days. It’s been awhile since we’ve spoken and I just wanted to say that I really miss the friendship and connection we had. I know I really hurt you and I don’t think I can
ever fully forgive myself for that. If you want the honest truth, here it is: I started having feelings for you and I didn’t know how to deal with them. You then started to hint to me that you felt the same way and then I got scared.
I’ve had a really bad track record with relationships and I didn’t think I could go through what I went through with my last relationship. I have a lot of insecurities that I need to deal with before I ever get involved with someone like
that again, I really hurt my last boyfriend because I just couldn’t trust him and it ended up costing me the relationship as well as the friendship I had with him. It killed me.

I’m always feeling like I’ll either be replaced, forgotten about or that someone will find someone they like more than me. It’s something that really hinders my relationships and I knew if I let things continue to the next level I would
start taking out those insecurities on you and ruin our friendship. I couldn’t put you or myself through that again, which is why I started to avoid you. I’m really sorry that it had to be like this and even more sorry that I hurt you so badly. I never intended to and I hope you forgive me. I wish you nothing but the best in life, you are truly a great person. It makes me sad to think that we could’ve had a life-long friendship, but I have only myself to blame for that.

LATE: Love According To Expectations

I may be prone to exaggeration. Like if I said you have never given me a chance. It’d be completely different if I said you’ve never listened to me, really listened, because that is 100% irrefutably true. You think you need more than just attraction to want to have a relationship? Maybe I’d like to like you for more than just being pretty? How about that I wanted you to like me for who I am end stop before I would ever want to change anything about myself for you? Here’s a good one: Sorry I don’t fit the bill of the dream guy you’ve been looking for from every Disney movie and Cosmo magazine you’ve studied, or the hundreds of guys that hit on you every single day, but hey, for the handful of girls I’ve talked to beyond ‘Sure I’d love to write your term paper for you’, I think I’ve tried pretty hard. Did I ever try to make you fit into some mold you weren’t comfortable in or reject you entirely for failing to comply with my expectations? Like “hey babe, Men’s Fitness and my last 100 girlfriends agree that gargantuan breasts are essential to any healthy relationship; therefore, I can only answer 15% percent of your communications or less until you adjust accordingly.” You know what, I could go on forever, but until you’ve agreed to go on even one date with me, ESPN and International Bro Code dictate that my letters cannot exceed 250