Finally

I can’t say yet I’m 100% out from this thing, this dread weight.
But 80% and the days and weeks to come are the pathway forward.
I hope it’s a clear path, I pray like anything it is.
But the fear, the anger, they’re dwindling, they’re slowly fading.
I just want to get on with my life now, not with regrets and anger at what was, but do what I’m here for, and build going forward.
Of course I still have some concerns about everything, there are opportunities for issues still but as time passes that will fade too.

And there are lessons to take away so I can’t say it hasn’t changed me and who I will be in the future but for the better not for worse.
A few minor obstacles to overcome yet so no assumptions on how they are dealt with, but I only literally need the time, time helps and whilst it can’t heal all wounds, and all problems, it can make things easier.
So I will go forward and just do me, and be the person I truly am and trust in that being enough.
Albeit I’ll be a much much more wary person now, but in the end we live and learn and so long as we take those lessons and grow, we improve.
Forgiveness some cannot give it, some will not.
Well I’m not the most perfect person but I just know if that’s a concept we believe in, it’s something we should do.
And I know my path now so I it will be that.

At long last

My husband, after numerous rescheduled and delays finally gets handed his sentence from the courts for the accident late last year. A 100.00 fine and 24 hours community service at our local food pantry.
Relief.
But there’s more, a preserverence reward that I’m able to help him get the in on. One of our favorite family bands Heilung returns in April and one of the members that my husband himself had held up during a crowd surfing venture will be tattooing at All Sacred for a handful of days . He was able to land the spot and there is much excite.

Miller Time

I don’t understand the way my head tries to make sense of things. It makes it so much more confusing. Are you flirting with me? Are you just being kind? But you stay when everyone else leaves, just to stand in silence. Like, you want to be closer, but aren’t quite sure yourself.
* They say: If something is easy, it won’t be worth it. If it’s worth it, it won’t be easy. *
The way you seem to seek out my gaze, and try to keep it… searching for something.
You personally messaged me on Christmas “just in case I wasn’t going to be at work”. Lets face it darlin. You knew what you were doing. Showing up 15 minutes after my shift started… oh yeah. You knew. New years, I messaged you. Wished you all the happiness, because you deserve it all. And you do. Again, you came in hung around until you had to go. You make a point, or so it seems, to tell me your work schedule for the upcoming days. Knowing I’ll gladly share the same info on my end. We talk about everything, but nothing at the same time. It’s so trivial in the moment, but all together…. I know your favorite color is blue. You love stitch. You hold an admiration for dragons, of which, I’ve only seen in myself. We both agree that large crowds of people, is really not for us. You like dogs. Hate country music. Love hard rock and techno.
I know you’ve seen me at not my best, giggled, and simply said “be nice”.

I miss your 3 years ago version

I think I’m getting better because healing isn’t linear, today I miss you or I don’t know, I’d like to write you one of those messages that explain why we’re far away, I miss you, but I don’t have any more. The last conversation is obviously the last one we should have given what’s happened and what I’ve told you. It would be purely toxic and confusing to tell you that I miss you. And what’s worse, I miss you but according to your version from years ago, I miss us, you condemned us, you didn’t choose us and that was the beginning of the end. You’re not who you used to be, your light is gone and I don’t know you anymore. It’s horrible to lose a friend like you, who made me believe in something else.

New years Eve

I’ve planned the date for the evening, the Itchy O show at Summit Music Hall preluded by a few drinks at Honor Farm Haunted Spirit House and Hell or High Water Tiki Bar that share a space right up the street from the venue. It’s been quite some time since I’ve gotten to enjoy a night out downtown and this one has a few fun surprises for me.

Earlier in the day I had been reading how our city was getting its own security robots to patrol some downtown areas. This was not something I even considered the possibility of running into, yet lo there roams a White Knight as I park us at my usual garage when attending events at summit, singing its warning song as it cycles up and down the parking columns.

My partner was apprehensive about my bar choices given the very forward lgbtq nature of them on the websites and some brazen penis glasses I show him in good humor. He’s relieved to see the establishment has a more gothic lean than he imagined with skeletons climbing the walls, including a giant one that looms over the exit with massive disco balls. The devil and I get along just fine, reads over the beer fridge and they have a beautiful ice luge set up for new year festivities with their goat ghost logo wishing all a happy fucking new year.
Upstairs is the tiki bar, and while not as skull heavy as the one I went to in San Antonio, is still pretty awesomely decorated with oceanic oddities sound racked by Bob Marley and other reggae type chill.
My favorite part is the women’s restroom, it’s like walking into the don’t get murdered meme, goodby horses plays on repeat while painted on the stall stands Buffalo Bill in the famous tuck scene, the boys room doesn’t have the same elaborate set up.
The drinks are delicious, one of mine comes to me with the head of Jigsaw.

My partner gets a blast from the past when Freestyler comes on the radio, a song he hasn’t heard since his days in Russia.

We head to the concert venue a little after 9 to find the opening acid rock band Nightfishing already on in full swing, the main event takes the stage an hour and a half before midnight, a 57 member ensemble of drummers and crowd actors with various instruments I don’t even have words for. Dragons , anglerfish, and mysterious masked actors circulate through the crowd, climaxing with the massive tesla coil that looms over the audience. As midnight strikes orange streamers burst forth from the above, they shoot black and white confetti from cannons. And massive modern art glow worms glide above the crowd. The night is a wild ride and I’m here for it.

Why did you unfriend me

What did I do

I just noticed hey I’ve seen none of her posts, go to my list, there you are, not as friend but “person” this happened before with someone that was a mistake, so I went to look, I can see nothing, not blocked but obviously I am barred from many things so a specific privacy setting for non friends or me.

Either way I was shocked.
Now the biggest reason why is I thought we were friends.
Not besties by any means but enough given that I was there when you were in tears and worried.
And I know it’s been a while since I saw you, obviously that’s out of my hands.
But especially given your last message, I am surprised and very hurt.
On the one hand, maybe it’s what I post, although it’s not offensive and honestly if you’d say messaged me and said ” hey lay off the xxxx posts” or something, I would.
But secretly I think it’s something else, I know that whilst it should NOT be, things are being discussed by people that shouldn’t be.
However I always thought you of all people would be a person to not make assumptions and at least ask.

I guess I shouldn’t be upset but right now I’m pretty alone, and even the last message made a massive difference.
And if when I saw you next you’d talked to me and said “Nah screw you I don’t want to be friends anymore” well fine

But right now, not a whisper, nothing at all just poof you’re out, at what’s the lowest I’ve ever been in my life, after a point where I came near to a place where , well let’s just say a dark dark dark horrid place.
To then notice one person who you thought was at least willing to not make assumptions before cutting and running. And obviously I can hardly slide in the dm and be like, so why have you done this.
That’d look pathetic and weird.
I’m just incredibly hurt at this moment.
I’ll get over it though, however it is a prelude I suppose of exactly what I can expect.
Maybe one day if you did it for the reason I think, I’ll have a chance to say my side, but then again people who didn’t want to wait to ask, they won’t care, their minds are made up.
But I just came here because where else could I go to say, this hurts a lot, more than I’d imagine maybe just because of the type of person I thought you were and because of how we got on and the nice things you said before.
Well that’s the way it goes I suppose so there we are. Guess I beat get myself used to it

Useless

You’re all fucking selfish and hurtful people. I went out of my way here. You don’t bother to text, you don’t bother to apologize, you don’t even say hello. I’m fucking done with all of you. I keep crying because I thought you were better than this but you’re not. It’s humiliating and makes me feel disregarded, used. Well, I won’t let you make me feel that way again. I’d rather be lonely than among people who don’t give two shits about me, who I have to beg for a relationship with. Just didn’t expect this to be family but you’ve never really been there for me, have you? So long, fuckers, have a nice life. Don’t count on me to give a shit about yours anymore.

Be the sunlight

Be The Sunlight

He sends me incredulous texts once I tell him I have a boyfriend.

He calls me a fat fuck in less than nice terms,

And throws me to the wind to sink his jawline into my pure heart.

He is meddlesome and unhinged and angry and I know I’ve dodged a bullet again.

All the men I date have not worshipped me.

They have raped me, lied to me, cheated on and put me in awkward and dangerous situations.

I finally set a boundary after explaining positively through his ruckus of noise

A clear and concise explanation.

To his mouth gaping chagrin, I consider his feelings in my response

Then tell him I do not need this in my life and I will no longer respond.

His text messages become less hostile but first they intensify.

I worry because he knows my home address.

I sleep with one eye open tonight as most girls do when they decide to stand up and be a woman

To a boy who never learned to be a man.

I wonder how lucky I am to have a boyfriend who finally loves me.

I wonder in the same breath if someone else has found sunlight in human form somewhere else.

I hope so because living can sometimes be

Dogshit.

A flashback

My husband and I ate driving home through the mountain pass after spending a lovely Christmas holiday with my mom and her husband in my hometown. I’m soundtrack8ng this road trip with Skald and it’s been a most epic backup to this snowy trip through the peaks.
My husband makes asks some small but important question about the towns access for grocery and supply , suddenly I flashback to a previous road trip where I’m trying to convince him moving there is a preservation act where we can really turn things to our favor with what we could make for flipping the townhouse in the city for a spot out there.
He was vehemently opposed. He likes his concerts, he likes his job perks.

What changes?
War were declared.
Beyond war were declared, North Korean missile testing with the intent to carry a nuclear warhead to our shores and in response, the US will beef up and upgrade its current defense systems.

We get home, order Red Robin and decompress. I’m no stranger to car sickness when I’m not in control of the drive, and my husband got the way back this time. I took a few edible gummies in hopes to ward off the sickness but after eating I get the spins and eventually purge. While on the TV, the movie my husband picked titled I drink your blood.
There’s a satanic ritual being performed during the chant shortly after ” I will suffer for you.” I’m running back to the restroom to hurl. I forgo the rest of the movie for a shower and sleep it off. The husband escapes to the gym but admits he shouldn’t have as the food was heavy on him too.