Letter to myself

I am sorry that with every guy that you meet, that you think you both can have a chance , don’t see you worthy of patience, love, care and respect. I am sorry that they don’t want to get to know you. I am sorry that all they want is to lie and sleep with you, leaving you empty. I am sorry that every word you utter to them is a joke. They don’t see you as someone who is valid and has feelings and ideas. I am sorry that they are selfish people . They don’t deserve you. They don’t deserve your time or your friendliness. They deserve nothing from you. You deserve better and miracles of blessings find you now under grace in the most perfect miraculous ways.

Unrequited love for an old man

Dear M Sensei,

How are you? I wonder what you’re doing right now. I can imagine that you’re on your table, doing office work, being completely dull looking as usual. 

I wrote this letter to tell you that I love you. Seems a bit shocking is it not? After all, although you’re unmarried, you’re almost 60 with balding hair and a thin, frail body. Not exactly the strapping young man that I typically get into.

The truth is I don’t know how it started. It was definitely not love at first sight. When I first started working with you I only saw you as a coworker. I’m even a bit scared of you. After all, you’re the same age as my mom. That can be quite intimidating.

However, throughout our meetings I started to know you. You’re more than just some old man. I discovered the way your mind works, your sense of humor and your opinions on things. You make me laugh when I am sad. You try to tell me that I am needed, that my job is important and that I can make a difference. I know it seems a bit silly to you but those words are what kept me going when I feel like I will never be happy again.

Before I knew it I also noticed small things like the way you eat your lunch just before 4th period and how you choose to eat it in a separate table and not on your desk. I noticed that you didn’t talk to other people much. You just try to blend in the background and in company parties you go home first. 

I will never forget that time when we were having our meeting at the tea ceremony room. There was a sudden earthquake. It was so strong I felt like the windows were going to break. You hugged me so suddenly. I felt like my heart was going to burst! I didn’t know how long we stayed like that. 10 seconds? 10 hours? I honestly don’t know. When the earthquake stopped you asked “Are you okay?” and I felt my face getting hot. My head must have looked like a tomato. How embarrassing. I don’t even know how I responded. I just remembered mumbling some weird excuse about how I should go and getting out of the room with a feeling that I can’t explain. Like I’m invincible and I can do anything but also I wanted to run and hide. 

Whenever we’re having meetings I still imagine that hug from you but I try to brush it off. Let’s be realistic. There’s no way I can ever be with you, though you are single I’m not. I have a boyfriend 6 years younger than me. I can’t leave him. He does love me and I don’t want to hurt him. He’s still very important to me. How strange. I’m with a younger lover but I’m secretly in-love with an old man. Usually it’s the other way around.

I always wondered, what would people say if they found out? That I’m trying to chase an old man for his money? I have too much pride for that.

I feel like I’m trash but I can at least do what’s best for everyone. I will not ‘rock the boat’. I will not leave my boyfriend and I will never tell you how I feel.

I hope you find your happiness. I will do my best too. Someday I will forget you. I’ll focus on the person who is with me. And so by writing this letter I hope I’m also burying  my feelings for you deep inside my heart. It will be hidden forever. 

Though you will never know, I will always love you.

I remember.

I love you, I have since aged 17, 10 years later, I love you just as much, if not more. I lost you, because I never thought you loved me. I ran away from you. I found my life, with another. We made a beautiful son. The ray of sunshine in all the madness, my cheeky little trouble making monkey boy, who makes my heart burst. Now you come riding back into my life now?
After everything? After I cried for you for years? Cried for a love that never was. Now, now you beg for me. Now, you take your walls down, you show me it all. But is it too late? Is my “true” love something I now deserve? After 4 years of having him? No, he never made me forget you, but he never hurt me. Yes, he tried to fill the void you left but never succeeded. He is a wonderful father and a loving partner, but just not for me. But after all that am I ALLOWED to feel these things for you still?
I remember how good you used to make me feel. How you convinced me that the world needed me and helped me through the darkness when it was threatening to swallow me whole. How you held my hand whenever I was scared. The pink fairy teddy that you brought me “because you sprinkle all your goodness over my world”. The one I still have sat at the end of the bed. When you sang to me down the phone whenever I was down. How you were my own personal little cheerleader, always celebrating with me, even about the small wins. How you drank way too much tequila with me and told me how our future would be, every last little detail. How we argued like cat and dog over the stupidest of things, but you didn’t believe in sleeping on arguments, so we always had to make up. How I got butterflies every time I saw your smile. How you would use your hand and trace words onto my back and make me guess things that you wouldn’t say aloud.
I miss it all. But, right now, do I deserve to? I have a whole other life now, but I know for sure, if you gave me one of your smiles? Hell, I’d be like putty in your hands all over again. I’m sorry for running.. I just needed more – I needed firm commitment and not pretty promises, that I didn’t know had any follow-up. I’m sorry for running.. I just loved you too much to stay and beg for someone who wasn’t ready. I always said to myself; give him time, if it’s meant to be, he will come back.. alas, you did not. I learnt to live without you – it took some time. But eventually I got better.
I made a life without you. It was void without you, but I tried. I gave life my all. I passed my degree. But it wasn’t the same, without my cheerleader there. I lost my Grandpa. You never got to listen to another one of his jokes you loved so much. I met a guy. It hurt, but he treated me right. He held me tight and he gave me his world. I allowed it. I wanted to feel loved, to know if it could feel that strong. It didn’t, but it was love, nonetheless. Then came our beautiful baby. The sleepless nights, the postnatal depression. Back to feeling numb and helpless. He helped me. He is a good man. A very good man. But he does not ignite in me, the passion that you do.
You once promised me that I would be the end for you. That no matter what it was me and you. But it wasn’t was it? So why my dear, why now do you sought to find me and pour your heart into me? Why do you come and tell me that you regret not being able to commit? Why do you tell me that you haven’t been happy all these years? That just like me, something was missing? Why do you remind me of such wonderful times? Why do you stir feelings in me that have been dormant for so long? Why do you say you yearn for me? Why do you bring all of these beautiful words and emotions to me, like they’re wrapped up with a perfect bow? Lord, why?
He knows about you, he has from the start and he does now. I am no liar and I cannot lie to a man who has been so good to me. But I can see it in his eyes, I can feel it in his hugs, he knows. And what hurts so much, is that he is such a good man, that he would let me go, to find my happiness. He always said to me, “a love like that only comes once”. He knows, because he lost his. I guess our souls met, because we both knew heartache.
How dare you come back now and do this to me? There’s a quote that goes – “if you love something, let it go, if it was meant to be, it will come back to you” – You certainly took your time, but does that make it anymore untrue?
I love you and I miss you. Right now, I’m remembering the day we went hiking – when I tripped over a stick in that ridiculous outfit I wore to impress you. I’m remembering how I cursed myself out because I then looked stupid and you said “Moo, you could wear a bin liner and I would still find every inch of you beautiful, because this is more than just physical attraction, its attraction of the minds”, that’s the day, the hour, the minute and the second, that I fell in love with you. The honesty, ingenuity and sparkle in your eyes, damn, I could live that day a million times over and still not be bored.
“I don’t know if I stole your love or if it was my fate. I only know it broke my heart to find your love too late.”
Oh my love, how disastrous this could be.

Now

Now, all these years later, whats happening, pandemic, disaster, isolation, I think of you, I think of you and then I think fuck you and then I go on and later I think of you and I wonder if you’re okay, if you’re going to be okay, amongst everything else if i am not okay will the secrets be buried with me or with you? Is it over? Of course it is, and yet I think of you, and I wonder, do you think of me also? Now after all this time…am I the one you think about when youre sitting in your fainting chair drinking pink rabbits? I’m drinking ginger beer, I feel an overwhelming sense of doom…sometimes before, times before, I wondered who would outlive who and I’d joke to myself, sometimes in mockery, othertimes in anger, would I dance on your grave? But I’ve forgiven you since…we never spoke truly about what you did, about who did what, about what really happened…I was so unable to articulate then…I scrambled for words…but nothing covered it, not truly, thousands of words, some said, more written, nothing covered it, I loved you, I wanted to agree to you, to things that didn’t fit, I compromised when I said I wouldnt and then we pretended it was no compromise at all, like that song…losing my religion…that’s was me in the corner…in the spotlight losing my religion…every whisper every waking hour Im choosing my confessions, trying to keep and eye on you and I never knew if could do it, oh no I said too much, I haven’t said enough?

Did I set it up? Did we set ourselves up to fail?

I told you I loved you, but then I told you I didnt want to move forward, but then I didnt want you to leave, but I wanted to leave but then I didnt want to leave, like my subconscious was taking over in ways I could neither understand nor comprehend. Why couldnt I tell you in simple words? Why couldnt I keep it simple?

Why did you have to go so far? Why did we have to go so far?

We went so far…I remember gazing into each others eyes…I remember when I was cruel, I remember you on the edge of the bed ever so quietly saying words that sounded like “I love you”, but all I saw was a man hunched at the end of a bed, all I saw was someone who was appalled by his own confession and all I heard was “elephant you”….oh God…

I was so scared. I did everything I could to keep you at an arms length while pulling you towards me…was it just me? Did I imagine it?

Why do I still think of you? Do you still think of me?

We never had closure. Do you even understand the lines you crossed? Do you ever feel the weight of regret I have walked with?

Its so confusing trying to understand it all with clarity. I remember you screaming at me over the phone, so many words I know so well, my heart feels the same bang when I recite them in my mind, so many…

I think of you and then I have to bury it until I think of you again. It hurts too much to remember. I can only hope to hear something positive from you sometime, though its only in the hours like this I hope for such things…I don’t know if I’d even have the courage to respond…but there are things I’d like to know.

Were you the love of my life? You couldnt have been mine if I wasn’t yours?

Is there some connection that we still share, how could it be that I still hold the big ball of broken love alone? Perhaps I do…

I don’t think I ever let you know me, I’m the kind of deep roller that rolls so deep I make it look like I’m gliding above the surface, but thats a skill, no, you can’t have loved me, elephant you makes no sense, but I loved you so deeply it scared me into the masquerade, or perhaps I should have known that my fear was an indication of what was to come, perhaps it was. I guess its not possible you could feel what I feel now.

You’re just a ghost.

Miss u

Dear MB,
Missing u n thinking about u lot more than I should. Can’t get those clear blue eyes off my head. Sometimes I wonder if u felt the same intense pull I feel… Does ur heart light up too when u hear my name ? Then I say to self – even if the feelings resonated we would n could have done nothing.
Ah! Feeling hopeless n miserable.
Don’t want to loose what we‘ve got although you cannot loose someone u don’t have.
Miss u every moment of this living hell that I fee in am in without u around.
L

One and Only

Mr. ?

I have a million and one things I could say, but it always comes back to balance.
There was never any balance. Life with you is so heavily influenced with your insecurities and doubts there can never be any equality. Your partner, lover, friend, or one-night-stand all have to be so disproportionately below you how could anyone get close enough to even hold you, or kiss, or make-love all night long?
I don’t know if you believe me or not when I have said I can feel people, even when they are not near me. I have felt you from far away and still do, but it will fade with time because I have no purpose for caring anymore. (There are so many others that will be there for you, to care for you, to give you what you need). I will never apologize nor complain for my kindness, generosity, or empathetic qualities, for now I truly see what a blessing they are.
I have no intention of writing anymore, anywhere. Talking, communicating, or whatever it is you do, while online/on the computer is a perfect world for you. The coldness and distance fits. I have tried to find places where it could work for me, and it never ‘feels’ right, and I’m okay with that. I like touching and holding and feeling whomever I communicate with. We truly are in two different worlds, that can bump into each other, but never hold tight. One can never be a part of the other.
Therefore, it is time to go. I do not desire to be a part of your play, to be used again and again. That would be such a disrespect to myself and to where I came from. My soul . . . . . my soul kisses your soul, forever connected to a time that has passed.

Mrs. ?

Hopeful utterances

I am so used to being utterly crushed
Demolished, incinerated between the
Telling lines and the next hopeful gaze!
I am always hoping to stir my soul awake
Where watery eyes in fields of flowers
Are the permeating staple on the brain.
Where love circulates the room
and seeps into my tendons!
Days where grace and mercy hold my hands
And we no longer pray
Because my soul has been infused
With an everlasting loyalty
To see life’s doors open up finally
And the air become an inescapable relief.

Mirage

How do you know what’s real and what’s fake? What is manipulation? What’s not? Was I supposed to know the difference? Were you the real you with me or a fake you so you could bed me? Did you waste a single second thinking of me? Did you ever care if I knew or were you working double time to distort the difference? What reality were you and how could you enforce that hell on me? It’s better to have never known love than to have known a kind of love, loved and lost. That much I know. I wish I had never met you but chances are you never blinked. A blimp on your radar. I’d trade it all to forget you. Some demons are walking on Earth. I’m sad that you cared more for your needs and put mine so beneath you. A fucking mirage. Closure is a myth. I wish I knew your thinking but that’s the difference. Clarity can be a reality. You worked so hard to keep me from it. Fuck you, from the bottom of my heart. I relish the day I can tell you that.