There is a heavy unwillingness to let go.
It is as if I discovered the Rosetta stone
A decade too late and now am perplexed
On what to do with the answer key.
Everyone else feels as if they are smoke and mirrors.
Nothing fills this wasteless void.
If you want me to let go, I will in numberless forms
But there is a tiny crevice in my heart
That cannot, nor will not let go.
There is a magic to this thread you wish to break.
There is beauty in this destruction of all reason.
Somehow the locked gate in a Garden refuses to decay
Even in the most frigid temperatures.
And even though
There are neon signs glaring “crazy”
I cant help but want to speak the language of us
Even though there is nothing left
But the red string of fate.
There is only You.
There is only I.
There is no art of letting go in this equation.
There are only murals of what once was.
Stand on the other side of the room and try to touch me…
It’s funny… He never could and you always did.
I thought we see each other and we know. Because that’s how I had been thinking of our last time. Well, that didn’t happen. We were not on the same page anymore. Of course not. We will never be again. I had issues to accept this for a long time. But now it doesn’t hurt anymore. I don’t feel much anymore. Even though I know that it will never completely be over. You own a piece of my heart.
Freedom is one of the most important things for me. I love long and intense conversations with my tribe. I enjoy company with the right people. But I want to feel free and independent. I want to be able to decide what I do or don’t do. I prefer insecure freedom over security in prison. The best moments in my life were situations in which I felt free to do what I felt, when I felt in tune with my soul, when I didn’t feel the burden of others’ expectations. We met in one of these times. And I did what felt right. Till this day, even though I know how it turned out later, I think that I would have had more regrets if I had been more careful. I wanted what I did. Maybe it was wrong but without it my pain would not have been smaller. The worst thing had already happened much sooner than I was willing to recognize and accept… I had fallen in love with you.
Years have passed. I think I was more of a fix to you than a person you cared about. It was an illusion and that’s what hurt about it the most. I had a different narrative in my head. I thought you were a different person. Even with all of this time, I grieve the person I thought you were and the people we were together.
Back in 2012ish, I was seeing that japanese American guy for a bit? The one that’s twenty five years older than me and employed some impressively manipulative tactics to position himself as a potential partner to me at 16ish in my troubled home with nightly phone calls, video chats, and instant messaging. I spent so much money on phone cards.. only for him to vanish one night and pop back up a few years later?
The one that invited me out to California to meet in person,introduced me to his family and friends but also made nudging suggestions on how I should behave? The one that I dropped exctasy with a few times with and asked me to marry him? But ultimately I backed out because at some point because I couldn’t stand the gold digger looks other people gave me, or the fact that I missed someone else, and most of all the more I thought about the emotional turmoil his choices had strung me over the years , the more rage I felt. You remember that guy right?
Anyway earlier today he messages me a thumbs up. Just a fuckin thumbs up. The analyzer in me connects it to to Volk song Atlanta Dog I shared on Facebook earlier and a line about California in it, but it shouldn’t be because if it is that means he’s been lurking and if he’s lurking there, what else has he been influencing without my knowledge?
I bring it up to my husband and he tells me to ignore it but he is otherwise not as alarmed as me.
I ask Pete why he did it? He responds that he wasn’t aware he had, some nonsense about cleaning up the archives and must have accidentally nudged something. (He’s done this once before years ago. I logged into aim for the first time in a long while and he attempts a call)
I just ask him not to hold any hostility towards me and he says he doesn’t and the conversation ends there, but as I’m trying to guage the danger levels here , there’s a player trying to get my attention on 76 and I wonder what the link is because their name relates to another tangent we’ve been on here. I have a brief panic spiral before going back to my paints. I reckon it’s more along the lines of not wanting to be forgotten rather than the desire to devastate, but I’ve seen so much weird shit… it’s hard to say.
If you ever read these words you’ll know who it’s from. I can’t express enough the guilt and pain I feel for the way I treated you the two (ish) years we spent together. You treated me like a true queen and always listened and respected me— the true ME. And for that I thank you. I wish I could’ve been the person I am right now, back then. I was emotionally immature and lacked the communication skills I need to function in a relationship.Now with 2 kids I realize how terribly I treated the only person who was crazy about me— I truly felt your love and it was unlike anything I’ve ever known and I’m not sure I’ll ever feel it again. So thank you for loving me— even when I was unlovable. I truly wish you the most happiness in the world.
I didn’t say goodbye…
I didn’t want you to go…