Us

The day i met you, it was a delightful moment for me. I would never forget on how does it feel like to have you, in my life. I didnt ask you to love me back (i dont even care) because i myself dont feel the exact same thing – perhaps. I do love you, my friend and i do love you as you texted me and we talked for several nights and listened to a few of my favouritw music together. Though we are distance away, miles and hours away, i keep the meaningful words of yours and your voice in the back of my mind. It still does spin in my head.

Frankly i tried so hard to convince myself that our friendship would have ended one day. It’s either me or you who will slam the door and leave the memories locked.
It’s either me or you who will talk about the ending
It’s either me or you who will start the fight and apologize.
It’s either me or you who starts crying.

It’s either me or you who wants to rebuild us back

But none of us know tht the right answer is neither.

I love you i care for you but i have no idea how long we’re gonna hold this forever.

I’ll always be carrying your heart and your voice with me.

Sincerely,
Husna :”)

My business documents, continued

I asked you nicely to stop hounding me about how much time I spend with my business documents, but this time you’ve gone too far. I simply cannot believe you threw my Brother HL-L6200DW series laser printer into our swimming pool. Do you realize what you’ve done? How am I supposed to generate presentation-quality business documents on a reliable printer at an industry-best cost per page when my high-performance printer with a 520-sheet capacity paper tray that holds more than a ream of paper is sitting at the bottom of our pool?

I’ll admit that in recent months I’ve been spending more and more time with my business documents, going over the charts and graphs and tables for hours on end, but it was all necessary to my business. I run a business, Lorraine. I’m a businessman. I travel on business frequently and stay at the Ramada Inn. And what’s at the core of my success in business? What drives my bottom line and puts food on our table and buys us vacations to Fort Lauderdale every three years?

That’s right, my professionally printed high quality business documents. Documents that I will now have to go to Kinko’s to print. Do you realize that they charge nearly a quarter a page for high quality, presentation-ready documents? My Brother HL-L6200DW series laser printer has a cost per page that makes Kinko’s look like highway robbery. I love you but you have GOT to get a grip and let me continue to spend the time I need on my business documents!

Saving your life!!!!

I wish you’d stop thanking me for stopping you from jumping off the bridge. It’s not a big deal. If I didn’t genuinely care about you, I wouldn’t have ran after you two days ago to literally save your life. I’m just glad that I managed to pull you down from the bridge. Me and Tina weren’t going to give up trying to find you. I can’t pretend that I’m not emotionally affected by it, but at least I wasn’t willing to let you jump. Screw the policy 😒 🙄. Your life needed saving there and then. Your family would have been in agony and despair if I had let you jump off the bridge, just because a piece of paper says so. Your life is always more important than anything typed up on paper.

9:30

Last night I opened up the windows to give the air conditioning a break and my ears were met with a horrible bleating sound, like a man vomiting or having a mental episode. The sound goes on, 30 minutes plus until I close the window, bit not before recording the sound because I can’t see anything out there and am unwilling to go outside and see if potential violence awaits me.

My husband leaves for work in the early hours of the morning. He later text messages me saying he saw goat man was across the street this morning twitching like crazy carrying on his his mangled noises.

I can’t

TR,
I’m a mess without you, my heart is shattered.
I can’t work, I can’t think, I can’t hold down a job, I’m struggling to even make it through interviews and offer letters much less working 40 hrs a week. The apartment is a mess, I tried for awhile to keep it up simply because it made it feel like you were still here, because I knew you wouldn’t like it being messy, but i can’t even manage that anymore. I somehow managed to actually lose a job the day I was supposed to start it, and now Ive even managed to screw up another immediately after signing the offer letter for the job. Im not ok. Even attempting to line up backup jobs and discovering those are falling through. I’m sure to lose my apartment after next month. I’m falling apart. I’m past the point of not being able to get out of bed. I understand there are more people in this world and I still hold out no hope for ever finding all the things I had in you with someone else. You were the one. I meet men every time I go anywhere, they want to talk, they want to date, they declare their intentions, and i dont care. I literally hate them for it, truth be told. All they manage to do is piss me off and make me think of you and how they could never handle me at my worst the way you did, or accept me for who i am, that even if I wrote these fools a book and didnt skip a chapter they couldnt begin to comprehend that all those chapters weren’t defeats, they were character building. That I am the heroine in my story, that after all the hardships I have faced, I only look back and recognize how strong it made me, how fierce, independent, and determined I became as a result. I’m not a victim, I’m a warrior. These silly men who become interested in me simply because of what I look like have no idea what depths lie beneath the surface, that my physical appearance is literally the least impressive attribute and it makes me never want to put a toe back into the dating pool to realize these half blind knuckle draggers are impressed by some chance of genetics that made me look this way and I have nothing to do with that. I deserve no credit for it at all. That I have been aware of that all my life and have done nothing but study & improve on myself. I miss you so much. There is no one I have ever wanted more in my life and you are gone. I would say Ive been through worse then heartbreak and survived but half a century of life experience has me convinced I will never find someone to compare to you. I will not settle for less than. I have enjoyed men’s company for the sake of company, with full knowledge that I would never feel anything deeper for them then some temporary companionship. Its all a waste of time, effort, and makeup. It’s not them I want and mostly even while in their company I only want them gone or to suddenly become you. I can’t imagine facing another 30 or 40 years without you. I dont see the point in being given all those years, it seems like a fate worse then death. There are actually days I dont think of you at all, days that I schedule every moment of my waking hours purposely so that I wont have to catch my breath much less think too much.. and i exhaust myself on those days, finally drifting off to sleep a dreamless coma for a full day. The only person who has any clue as too how much I’m hurting and dying over this has said I’m going to put myself into any early grave racing around a thousand directions at once.. and I somehow managed not to say what I instantly thought “I desperately hope so”
-L

I could have been

At my friends open house that was being held on my birthday. Advertisements promised music, drinks and some fine art in the presence of those who made it at a beautiful little tattoo parlor downtown.

Instead I went to my dads for dinner since he made the effort to call.
It didn’t exactly work out well for me though.He invited a few other people, his friend that used to rent a room from him and his girlfriend and her three kids, the youngest of which had a persistent cough that his mother brushed off as allergies took a keen interest in my child coughing directly in her face as he showed her his current gaming obsession involving a tiny chibi SlenderMan.

We stayed long enough to enjoy dinner of roasted meats. My dad’s wife regifted me a moon nightlight I gave her a year ago along with a floating cube picture frame, her son also suprised me with a nice coffee cup that says Catfineited, fueled by cats and coffee. I in turn had gifted my dad a few souvenirs from Spokane since his birthday was a few days previous mine.

My kid started panicking though when flies started buzzing around the living room from the open doors,Bad enough that I thought it time to make our way home. My dad made the comment that I was never like that and I had to refrain from saying he wouldn’t know because he wasn’t around then and I in fact remember a few of my unreasonable tantrums from back in the day.

Within a day my kid was throwing up with a fever of 102. I messaged my dad to see if anyone else got sick but didn’t get a response or even concern about his grand child. Two days if vomit, four days of fever. And I’m still dealing with sleepless nights 12 days later as her sleep schedule had truly gotten knocked out of whack.

I’m a bit regretful I didn’t choose the art show as it felt like a gift that it was even held on my birthday at all but we also need to save money and I wouldn’t have liked the feeling of ditching a family dinner either. However if I had known with certainty what would happen after… I would have opted to keep my baby safe. More to brood on before school starts up.

You should know

One of my best qualities is always staying true to myself. Under no circumstance did I ever say or do anything that I did not mean. Yes I sometimes suck at fully being able to explain what I feel and sometimes it might all come out mixed around into a big ball of confusion….but in no way can a single person ever say that I don’t try. I try and try again and then try some more at every thing I do in life. If you have not figured it out by now….I can be stubborn as hell and yes I like being that way.

I don’t want you to feel bad about it because it’s all good. I swear. What you obviously wanted or needed is not what I can or would be able to give you anyways. Partially because I can’t but also because I wouldn’t want to. As much as I wanted to believe you were just like me….tbh I have never met a single person that thinks about life the way I do. It’s okay. Nothing wrong with either of us.

Just as I always said…I will always love you. Don’t misunderstand when I say that. I do not want you. I seriously care about you as a person. I want you to be happy and healthy and have all the good things that life throws at you. You deserve great things. Maybe in passing you will feel my energy and realize it was there to help you…it will always be there to help you if and when you need.

Take care of yourself and your family. Btw speeding tickets can get expensive. So can being reckless. I’m sure you learned that lesson long ago. You might need to tell the fam that one.

Sincerely Britney

Apology

I’m sorry for our past, and for the very real harm you did to me. I’m sorry I can’t just laugh it off or forget it like you want me to. I know you’ll never acknowledge or take responsibility for any of it, and I will never get any closure and will always struggle to trust you. But you’d rather have it like that, right? Maybe call me a bitch or something too, just to really drive home the point that this is my problem, and only mine. Besides, telling other people how they should feel seems to be very in nowadays in some circles.

I’m sorry that I have never been exactly what you wanted. I’m sorry you never really tried to be a part of my life where you could help facilitate positive change. It would’ve been so much easier for you if I was just always perfect right? I’m sorry you never let me in more than an inch where I could’ve done the same for you. But you already are perfect right? So that’s probably why.

I’m sorry real two-way communication just isn’t nearly as important for you as it is for me. All the times I tried to tell you I was hurting, or feeling sad, or lost, or even exuberantly happy and proud of myself, and you never listened to a damn word did you? You certainly never replied. But you’re entitled to that, huh? By how you were born??? ‘Leverage’ is such a sexy concept, don’t you think? I’m sorry I’m not just content with an attractive face, but that I actually have the audacity to want a real partner that I can share everything with. What have we shared? Honestly asking here because if I answered I’d be worried I’d made 90% of it up in my head. Because I’m “delusional” and a “lunatic” right? And you call me a gaslighter lmao.

I’m sorry it was always so easy for you to take me for granted. I guess it usually is for your plan c or d or whatever I honestly was. You never deserved my loyalty, but I gave it to you anyways.
That’s on me I guess. Really, I don’t think you know me at all, other than what narrative you’ve painted over the years. Let me guess, I’m just like everyone else, all the other dbags out there who just say whatever it takes to get what they want. Maybe if you’d taken any time to get to know me since idk the Obama presidency, you’d realize that not only is that not true, but I’ve actually grown a lot as a person. Oh, I still have some pretty considerable flaws that are gonna be tough to shake, and you’ve made it abundantly clear I’ll have to do that completely on my own, but I am not the same person you think I am. You cant imagine how frustrating it is to hear all these people in relationships bragging about their sex life, and cheating, and how to manipulate people to get what they want, and me just sitting in the corner silently thinking life isn’t fair. And then telling myself you’d fall for their bs before you even gave me the time of day.

I’m sorry that what has become the status quo is no longer sufficient for me. It never was, but I tried because that’s what you clearly wanted. Nothing more, nothing less. All this time, you’ve been in total control, you’ve set the rules, you’ve set the venue, you’ve chosen what doors remain open and which are forever closed. All to remain squarely within your comfort zone. I didn’t complain that I was constantly forced to leave mine, you certainly have never cared how uncomfortable I’ve been. Honestly, most of the time I don’t even think you like me. I’m just a husk of a body you desperately wish you could change everything about and implant all of your values and ideas into. That doesn’t feel good.

Mostly I’m sorry there is nothing I can do to fix this without your help. Lets say I win the powerball tomorrow and you reach out. Is that going to make me trust you anymore? No, probably less. What can I do that I haven’t already tried? You’ve said it yourself many times, you’re not attracted to me, you don’t want to be friends, I’m not even worthy of the smallest bit of your recognition. I know you don’t want to hear this A, but the ball is in your court just like it always has been. All I can do in the meantime is just keep trying everyday to be a little better, for myself. Not super romantic I guess, but believe me I have a few complaints in that arena as well. Having to go to prom alone, twice, is just the very tip of the iceberg, so you have some idea of what I’m talking about.