I Fell All In

Verse:

I tried to make you love me so much

I teetered on a lethal edge.

Instead I played as a sacrificial lamb

While you kissed broads with less interest.

Bridge:

I fell for all the wrong ones, while

My name in your mouth became

A laughing sentiment.

You never could see

I was all in..

Chorus:

Love

Love with the vulnerability pooling off your

Grin

Love with the daringness in your chuckle,

Oh heavenly sin.

Love with your forthright essence and confidence.

Because I was all in.

Verse:

I tried to make you love me so much

I forgot you painted stars in someone else’s bedroom

Drew hearts in between the spaces between our first encounter and the next

Now, the present is just a walkway between pain and regret.

Bridge:

I try to forget all the right ones

While my name in your mouth

Became a painful sore

To grimace.

You could never see

I was all in

Chorus:

Love with the vulnerability pooling off your

Skin

Love with the daringness in your chuckle,

Oh heavenly sin.

Love with your forthright essence and confidence.

Because I was all in.

X2

Outro:

(Because I was all in)

Love

Love

Love

And I was all in it

(Alone)

And I was all in it

(Alone)

I was all in..

Gas lighter

Your narcissism created complex stories that are 99.9% embellishments however occasionally they may contain the smallest grain of truth or perhaps something based on the fleeting glimpse of an inconvenient truth.

You pushed and continue to push a narrative that fits the boxes you have created for yourself. In your drive to been seen as perfect you showed no mercy in pushing me and others to our absolute limits.

Now the mask has slipped, what do you have to show for it? That is apart from the same blame game you constantly play. The one where everyone around you is to blame, in your twisted logic you are faultless and hence you hide behind the false assumptions that you have nothing to be remorseful about.

The simple truth is, you can hide behind lies, politics, faith or whatever. You are still the same as you always were.

Manipulative.

Calls home

Dad,
I call home every week. Let you know I’m ok. No, daddy, I haven’t been fishing. I’m working. I’m fine. I’m happy, I’m well. Two fishing or hunting stories I’ve heard a thousand times (but I listen like it’s the first time and ask questions when I recognize you’ve forgotten to tell a particular part..) Then it’s “I love you. Call you next week. Good bye”

Who am I gonna call when you’re gone? I need the # for heaven because I don’t know what I’m gonna do when the time comes to make that call and you won’t be answering.
You can’t be dying, this isn’t real. You’re the one that’s dying, why do I feel like I won’t make it either? It’s too soon, I’m not ready to say Good bye.
People I’ve care for have died, but dad, I can’t .. I can’t live with you gone.
I’m not gonna make it. I’m just not. You taught me to be strong, to be brave, to be tough, and never give up. So why, how call all the things you taught me to be.. I just unlearned them, forgot, it all disappeared the moment I heard you have zero chance at treatment?
What am I going to do when the call comes that it’s nearly time?
How did I manage to leave this last time?
Why did I leave at all? I should’ve stayed. Let the place go, the things in it, all of it..
I should’ve stayed.
I love you, daddy. Please, don’t go. Mom needs you, the kids need you.
I need you.
I know when I call home this week, you’ll ask me about my job, its fine….
I’ll mute my phone so you don’t hear me crying when I hear those fishing stories,
you won’t hear me totally losing my shit when you get to your favorite parts of the story.
Then I’ll unmute myself and without a trace of whimper in my voice, I’ll tell you “I love you, dad, call you next week. Good bye”
-your kid

Dear narcissist bully……..

I will never understand why you have tried your damned best to ruin everything in my life. Didn’t work out for you though did it? I’m pleased to see how you’ve let yourself down throughout all of this. Oh how the table’s have turned. I didn’t think that I’d get away from you this soon. With lots of prayers, faith in myself, and hope in myself, I have done the right thing. I couldn’t be more thankful to the people who have helped me get away from you. It sure was hard work. I just hope that I can find it in my heart to forgive you, some day, but I really can’t forgive you while it’s still fresh in my mind. It’s only right for my own sake that I’m moving on from you. Why wouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I? At least I can admit when I’m wrong, but can YOU? I’m afraid I won’t be around anymore to even witness that. I don’t even want to be. I’m sick of your stupid petty pathetic arguing. You don’t get to do this to me anymore. I’m glad karma is giving you right back what you dished out. Goodbye 🙂

Bingo!

A number of years back they canceled Bingo in small town here, but one of my fondest memories are nights with my grandma at the Elks lodge. I would get a Crunch bar and bar tap Coke before sitting down with our group of ladies and taking the colorful ink blotters to the game sheets.
Elsewise I recall times there with my great grandpa, mocking pool with the kids of his friends and attempting to watch Jem on the projector screen in the game room, back then there seemed to be more static with the tech. Seasons spent there seem a wholesome treat now and a structurally sound point of reference in the framework of my memories for role models.

Money, money, money.

Girl, just because you have a gigantic TV, it doesn’t mean I have to.
Just because you blow all of your budget on expensive stuff, it doesn’t mean I have to.
I know you want to help me spend my money on stuff for my new flat, but I think you’re getting a bit too carried away. I don’t need a massive over-rated TV. I’m going to be living on my own in the flat, so there’s no point. I need a decent normal-size TV. You, however, have five kids. So maybe you need a cinema-size tv, but I really don’t think that’s sensible because they’re so heavy that they could easily fall off the wall bracket, because of how heavy it is. I looked at a really pretty pale pink kettle, and it was only £10. You were looking at the same kettle on the Amazon website and it was way more expensive on Amazon. You’re just trying to make me run out of money, so that I end up living back at the care home. I can see RIGHT through you. It wouldn’t work anyway, because I don’t ever want to live in another care home ever again. I’ll make sure that I never end up back in care. Despite whether you and your gossip minions think I can live on my own or not. It’s not for you to judge. I have boundaries. I will not allow you to tell.me how much money to spend on things. You like everything bigger than big anyway. I personally think it’s stupid and a load of nonsense. Think what you want about my efforts. I don’t need you or any of your co-workers to validate whether I can or can’t do stuff. Don’t be sticking your nose so far up my arse. Your kids are adorable, you have a husband, you have literally everything, so what gives? I’m just another person in this world trying to create a new life for myself. What’s the catch?