One thing

I’ve wanted to thank you for. I don’t remember what it was but you got on me a little for being out of pocket, talking about what one should believe or how one should act, when my own life is such a mess. You were right. Thank you for helping me realize before I made an even bigger fool of myself.


I know you are posting as “idiot” on the app.
Wish you could have actually told any of that to my face. However, since you never really knew me, Ill let you know now that I “hack” and “stalk” as you put it, as a means to know who someone really is when they think no one’s watching them.
Everyone does things based on their own life experiences, their beliefs, their conclusions.
I know people see me and never get passed their own short sighted and simple logic.
You can think what you will about me, but I know I never fail to be extend my acceptance for all people regardless of all those things people love to judge others by, $, looks, the car they drive, race, religion, sexuality, etc. I make friends instantly everywhere I go.
I treat everyone as a friend until they approach me disrespectfully, at which point I still pull my punches and let them down as easily as possible, if that fails I ignore them completely, but they are always welcome back until they repeat an offense, showing me they didnt understand the 1st time.
I will admit that I am not happy when someone Ive been friendly with asks me out on a date.
I really wish they wouldn’t. If they had peaked my interest in them in a romantic way, I would have been the one to approach them. I literally do not care for anyone’s ideas of romantic entanglements. I want a compatible life partner. I can carry on a conversation with anyone, literally anyone. cars, computers, painting, writing, those are just my hobbies. I have an interest in A.I, physics, politics (both foreign and domestic), religions, history, economics, psychology..
the list is endless. I know enough about all these to ask questions when someone is open to answering questions about any of these subjects, and people love talking about subjects that interest them as well. I was looking for someone who stimulated my mind, that person wasn’t you. You only knew you looked at me and your dick got hard. Do you have any idea how disappointing that is for someone like me?
Do you have any idea how crestfallen I was to discover you were no different then the dozen men I meet each week? You broke my heart and not for the reasons you would have EVER guessed. Toby may have been a total POS, but he was able to carry a conversation, several in fact at the same time with just me. His intentions may have been ‘bad’ but his companionship and conversations were the bedrock of our compatibility.
I doubt you have ever had a truly unique thought in all your life.
Quoting movie lines, regurgitated

Mother’s Day, not son day

Dear son,
It has been three months now since you informed me that you want nothing to do with me. Today your mommy issues belong to you alone. Hate me all you want. I no longer want to play this game of yours. I gave birth to you I raised you and gave you a great start in life. I was there at every single important event you ever had. Conception, birth, first day of school, band events karate practices, high school graduation, college graduation, you name it, I was there. Just me. Nobody else. So I guess you don’t have anyone else that you can hate. So fine, hate me. But what I will not allow is to made part of your games. This game ended about an hour ago. You will have to find someone else to play with now. Love, Mom

Confused gravity

Where are you?

Are you here?

What happened to the gravitational pull? We were like magnets. I was. Or you were? I don’t know. Now it’s like when the wrong sides are facing and there’s the repel. The energy is still there but like the opposite.

Do you know what I mean? Are you there? You’re not. You never are.

Why do I still feel it? Something? Like you’re part of me, like I’m part of you?
I’m not. That’s it. You’re gone. Just like that.

I fought for you, even when you were all shades of in the wrong. You never fought for me. You always though the worst of me. I guess by now, now time has shown there’s no remorse from your end that you never loved me.

Yet I still hold on. There is no one else who could ever make me feel the way you did. So many starts, so many beginnings, but never the middle. Like strobe lights, on, off, on, off, on, off. And now just off. Off for longer than I’d like.

I could forgive. I could try. But you don’t want me to. At least I think you don’t. If you loved me, you’d have fought for me, you’d have believed in me. And after so long wouldn’t you know?

Oh god I miss you. I carried the cross, and you were just gone.

I want you to come back to me and tell me you’re sorry, sorry for pushing boundaries, sorry for leaving me with all the pain and tell me you love me, bug you won’t.

I guess I was just alone in this. All
Along. I wish you’d prove me wrong, but you don’t, you didn’t and I have to accept you never will.

Ugh. Blah. How could you let it end like that? If it ever meant anything? Again same answer. It didn’t mean anything to you. It was just one sided. Oh but a decade? A decade of our time? Why spend a decade of the time on each other, on, off, on, off…

Just sex? Mmm. I must be an incredible fuck for it to all be just sex. Hum. Come back to me. We could start with just friends. If you ever loved me, you would, but hum, you don’t.

All talk, no action

Certainly was surprised when your family reached out to mine and said that you wanted to marry me. A bit non traditional, but whatever. I showed up to the small chapel, packed with family and friends. I was so nervous, I hadn’t seen you in so long but this is what I wanted so I wanted it to be perfect. But you didn’t show up. So your family said we redo the wedding the next day. And we did, and everyone showed up again, except you. My dad took me out to dinner to cheer me up. And you were there working. I confronted you outside, and you said you had an on again off again thing with someone else. When it was off, you decided we should get married, but then it was on so you didn’t show up. Then it was off and on again and thus I got left at the altar twice in two days.

It was just my dream from a couple nights ago. But it wasn’t really wrong was it? I’ve seen you interact with so many different people of varying race, gender, class, etc. and you have every ability to be kind, sweet, polite, and caring. But you never are with me. With me it’s different for some reason. Hurting me just doesn’t bother you, does it? I’ll always come back right? You’ve burned every bridge between us, but then say it’s my fault without ever saying what I did or acknowledging anything you did. I get it a little. I mean I think it’s borderline against human nature for a person to be willing to be held accountable for their actions. Pretty much everyone I know is like that, including myself some times, what about you? But at the end of the day, you’ve left me hanging too many times, and it makes me feel really bad every time, and I know that if we were really together it would be the same way, treating me like I don’t matter, because that’s how it pretty much always been. That dynamic doesn’t just magically change when we get married in my dreams. In fact I don’t think it’s ever gonna change at all.

But feel free to prove me wrong.