Memorylane

Mom started reliving the event where she was stuck at JFK in conversation.
Almost out of nowhere just strange because that same morning I thought about you deeply.
Lots has changed since back when.
Listening to her stirred my own set of memories. The only time obvious you stepped out of your comfort zone. Yet it didn’t seem a bother to you at all, it felt as if this was a natural reaction. No big deal to you just showing you care. Or so you made it seem.
Putting all other circumstances around it at the time aside and other situations you failed over the years thereafter.
Your heart is beautiful if you let it and this man I had the fortune to get to know, in so many beautiful moments,
is the one I will always love!
Maybe one day, Lady Fortuna will send me one just like that to be by my side to ring out the rest of this crazy life.
If not, I’m fortunate enough to have a heart full of beautiful memories of how things could be without having to settle for less. I haven’t, I won’t.

Ms. New Booty

I had a dream about you last night. You’d gone missing and your mother was rallying a search effort. You were actually Britney Spears, but it was definitely you and definitely your mom. Specifically, there was a bunch of bad men in and around your house who your mom thought had kidnapped you. As soon as I heard the news I went to your place and took care of the bad men. But you weren’t there. A little while later you came back, you’d been off to have butt implants. Idk why you thought you needed them, I like your booty quite a bit, but that’s where you were the whole time. That was it. I’m not a psychiatrist so I don’t read into these things too much, and I have a lot of crazy dreams. But it’s gotta mean something you keep popping up in my subconscious when we haven’t seen each other in years.

Pain

Pain is what I feel. Pain so mind numbing I wish for death for it to stop. Pain as I cry for the love I lost. Pain in the knowledge that the one I loved saw no worth in me to fight for. Pain that I am here and he is there. Mind numbing pain that I was a fool. Pain that he is with another and a child they have been blessed with. Pride brimming in his very veins for the gift that the heavens have blessed him with. A baby, a beautiful baby boy. I remember my prayers of before, my lamentations for the thing I so longed for. Scared and doubtful I reached out but my fear overtook my senses sending me running away from the one whom I thought was my answer. Alas I came up wanting. What is it about me loving were I am not loved. Needing were I am not needed. Giving were nothing is given back. What is this cross I bear. None have cried for me. None have needed me. None have seen me worthg to stick around with. None have wanted to help break the walls that so ruthlessly keep me prisoner. Mind numbing pain at my failure for love. Mind numbing pain for loving that which does not love me. Mind numbing pain for seeking that which does not seek me. Mind numbing pain for needing that which does not need me. Mind numbing pain for praying for that which does not pray for me. UMind numbing pain. Is this my lot, this pain I so bear. Tears trickling down my cheeks I ask myself what is the use of life if one cannot attain that which brings life to everything, which is love. For without love all is in vain. All is for nothing. For love is life. Love is purpose. Love is grace.

#womanwalksalone

Another broken hearted girl

I never thought I would ever have to write this. What pisses me off the most is you couldn’t be decent enough to tell me you didn’t want this anymore. Instead you dragged me along and acted like a piece of shit, and when I confront you, you made it seem as if I imagined things. You practically lied about everything. Even things you had no reason to lie about. I swear every time you open your mouth a lie comes out. Sometimes I wonder if this is revenge for me breaking things off early this year. But I told you things were moving too fast for my liking and you didn’t wanna compromise. Now that I think about it, you never really cared. It was always about you and what you wanted. You didn’t care when I was hurt, didn’t care if I was uncomfortable. Didn’t care when I was unhappy. I should have left when you stealthed me the first time. But I guess that’s the thing about these toxic relationships, you only ever realize how messed up the whole thing was and how stupid you were when it’s over. I couldn’t eat or sleep or think outside you for months. Just the thought of you gave me anxiety attacks. I actually thought you loved me. Ha! How silly you must’ve thought I was.

Anyway, yesterday I had breakfast, I finished my lunch AND supper! I got about 6 hours of sleep without having to take sleeping pills. Even though the first thing I did when I woke up this morning was to check my phone for your missed call, finding nothing didn’t send me looking for my inhaler.

I thought you were one of the good guys. I believed it. I believed you. I believed in you. I had high hopes. You had me good shem. You had me real good. But that’s life. You can’t walk around with your eyes closed just because you think the person you love will hold you when you trip.

You not loving me has not changed my view on love. I will meet someone. I will love. I will be loved. And knowing myself, I’m gonna go all out. You know I can’t hold back.

No well wishes here.