My husband’s not attracted to me. There’s a fight. I break a few dishes in the shattering of the image of the marriage I had hoped to find. He tries to damage control with ” I don’t think you’re the most beautiful woman out there but I think you’re beautiful.” Somehow his phrasing makes it worse.
I want to punch him in the fuck8ng face but I settle for angrily scribbling in my notebook.
We’re supposed to go to Mexico in two months and ive spent weeks preparing all the goods for the trip and organizing the upcoming holiday but I feel like this nonchalant cruelty is his way of fulfilling some sort of desire of his to forge ahead on some different path.
We fucked last night, he says that was fun. He says love and attraction don’t need to go hand in hand in a guy’s mind, in less eloquent words.
I feel the nerves in my face twitching at the emotional damage.
He says I’m a great mom, but still he makes no effort to comfort me and what little he tries to do to make me feel better feels more like a back hand. Hey at least he stayed true to his inner dialogue opinions right?

Earlier I was upset because he used his fiscal earnings status as a way to try to evade helping me send off his families holiday goods. I bring up how he apathetically often jokes about getting killed off to not have to deal with things in his life and I’m honest in how I feel such dialogue diminishes what good there is, I give an equal analogy of if I had said I hope childbirth kills me so I don’t have to deal with the rest back when I had our daughter. He does this little cringe scoff as if somehow it wields different meaning when I say it.

He says he didn’t want to hurt me like this, but at no point in the evening does he attempt to hug or provide affection of any sort.

I’m sad.

I’ve been spending so much time trying to get the details right on my paintings to try to launch some sort of career through art for myself, if I could have just shut my mouth and ignored it I could have at least carried on until I got there. Now I don’t know.
I probably deserve it, whatever it is, but I had hoped that I was worthy of more.

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