Dear Z,

You’re so selfish. SO selfish. I’m thinking of moving into a different apartment in a different corridor, because what’s the point of me still living opposite you, when you’re acting as if you never knew me? What the hell am I supposed to think? It’s not as if I’m assuming that you’re still talking to me, seeing as you haven’t text me or phoned me for quite a while. I don’t appreciate being used. You only wanted me to spend time with you when YOU wanted company. Never mind about how you ignoring me makes me feel. That’s not important. I will try to not be present at the Halloween party on Sunday, because I don’t want to end up bumping into you. It will be awkward, but only because you’ve made it feel like this. You make me feel like I mean nothing to you. I feel so violated by you. In fact, I’m not even sure that you’re that approachable. I’m not sure if my “friendship” with you was ever a genuine friendship, as you’re not even giving me a reason as to why you suddenly stopped getting in touch. Maybe I’m not meant to find out why. Well I hope you’re proud of the crappy way that you’re now treating me. You aren’t the respectful person you made out you were. Everyone is nice at first. You complain that no-one wants to be around you, when actually YOU’RE the culprit to blame. Not everyone else. You will never grow up. You will always be a little boy. Even though your thirty years old. If you’re never going to at least TRY to talk to me properly about it, then you are going to lose the bester friend you could EVER have in me. You are coming across as bitter, angry, and not giving a damn. Fix your ways or shut up complaining that people don’t appreciate you. You know fine well what you’re doing. And please stop with that fake politeness of yours. It’s getting stupid. You chose to not get in touch with me anymore. I guess I’ll never know why. Get on with it and stay away from me. It’s not that difficult to stay away from me. Anyway you always just walk past me without saying hi, but you say hi to others? Very mature. Not. Go your own way. It must be what you want.

Daddy pushed his kunkels into my meat patties and tried to blame me

I was working in the kitchen when daddy came in. I was spicing the meats and forming the patties. We were going to have a hamburger lunch. Me and my mom and my daddy all together eating burgers. That was the plan. Well daddy came over and he looked at me right in the eyes and without saying a word he leaned over and pushed his dirty kunkels into the meat patties and crushed them. Then he called my mom over and pointed at the ruined patties and said “oh look, honey, our boy is a genius” in a real sarcastic voice. I tried to explain that those were my daddy’s kunkel prints in the meat patties but no one believed me even though his kunkels are much bigger than mine.


F*boys have to lie to get laid, thats what u do.
I learned a new word today.. incel.. it’s actually what u are…
Literally, if i made a list of the 14 men Ive ever had sex with, you would come in dead last..
dead last, micro penis. It’s sad. I’m not even mad that u climbed on top of me, as I hardly felt anything at all. Honestly, I was thankful u were quick about it, I wasnt sure I how much longer I could keep myself from cracking the hell up. The thought of laughing at that moment made me think of “him” though. I suddenly didnt feel like laughing anymore..
He made me laugh so hard most days my sides ached and every time he smiled at me…
He inspired me to paint again.. I loved seeing him lying next to me, I’d turn his head so I could see his profile in the darkened room. He was so damn irresistible. I was so happy, happier than I ever remember being before. He was so complicated and different. …..
He was the best, most genuine person I’d ever met
you were the worst.
Don’t worry that you’ll ever hear from me again.. he absolutely cured me of whatever mindgames u ever played with me. I just needed one more night with u to see it, like I said, I would have bust out laughing at ur “seduction” and rutting, ur an idiot.
He may not have been the man I thought I’d find, but he was the one to show me the world of difference in love. I will never forget him.
You however…. I hope to never see u again, actually I’m feeling as if I did it wouldnt matter in the least… I found everything sweet and tender in myself within the short time I had with him.
All the parts of myself I’d lost touch with after so many years.. literal years of hiding those parts away because of the bullshit abuse, gaslighting, slander, etc… you and that lanky santa clause looking MF-er…
Karma caught up with you though.. in case you hadn’t noticed…
I really had to work hard at keeping from literally rolling when you let me know how terrible ur situation was.. oh no, you’ll have to get your own place and support yourself on ur own paycheck? hmmm, that people are on ur ass making u miserable where ur living and giving u tons of shit? and ur paying rent for the privilage of getting treated like garbage?
hmm… sounds so familiar.. oh wait, i know why.. because thats exactly what you did to me when I came into town and needed a place to crash while I waited for a paycheck!!!
Damn! how deadass on the money did Karma have to get with THAT and u still missed it?!!?
Again, sad. Karma kicks ur ass.. oh wait.. theres still that little matter of someone throwing u into a wall the way u did to me.. so I guess we’ll wait and see how she repays u for that one…
I don’t feel the need to infere in ur miserable life, u are doing a fabulous job of fucking urself without my assistance

Remember the good times we had together.

Dear P,

My breathing is getting worse now. It’s way more uncomfortable than anyone can imagine. I’m just trying my best to “get through it”. If you can even call it that. I don’t want to have to leave you behind on this earth, as you have years left on this planet. Always remember me. Especially remember the first few days we first met, and when you proposed to me. These kinds of memories trump many other less-important memories for sure 🙂 Priceless moments.

R, my torment

R, you haunt me and have haunted me ever since I saw you 13 years ago. I have never been able to forget you but somehow you forgot me. I can’t believe you don’t remember ever saying hi to me on my way home. That stayed with me for many years. It was as if you had known me for a long time and my soul just said hi in return to a long lost friend. The way in which you greeted me jolted me awake and I thought maybe after passing me you would turn the car around and come talk to me but you didn’t. You stayed with me even though you weren’t physically around. Yes, I love you and I can’t change the way things turned out. Yes, he should have been our son but I can’t change the way things turned out. I know you have moved on and that you no longer think of me because you have other more precious people to consider. I never thought you liked me in a deeper sense and when you would send the explicit gifs or cartoon pics I felt like all you wanted was my ass. I guess I am wired differently from you. Maybe you were just in lust, maybe I was some peice of ass you wanted to grab onto, slap , tap and let jiggle it’s way back home, lol. But it shows she was always there with you and I really truly had no chance at all. There was nothing for me, was there? Anyway it would have been nice to have you fall deeply in love with me, at least I wouldn’t be in love alone. I don’t know why I am writing this down, maybe because I don’t have anyone I could talk to who can really understand how I am feeling. My thoughts are random and sporadic. They come and go like a change in weather and very unpredictable for you never know what I going to write about. I guess maybe people try to figure me out and put me in their own assumptions of who I am but they could never truly see who I am or what makes me tick. Writing them down is the only way for me to get them out of my system instead of keeping them inside. Maybe because I feel like others will think I am crazy for feeling the way I feel. I have never really had anyone understand me because I seem to be different to other people and when I try to be myself they react a certain type of way because they have their own point of view about me and well that makes me want to creep back into my shell. I hate darkness I have never understood it nor have I ever liked it for it scares me which is why being in my shell suffocates me. I thought we would have been different together despite our many own issues. I remember when we would chat I always thought of you coming to my place for a visit and maybe get to know one another better but some part of me had always been scared of the person you would find in me. Urgh, anyway I need to put this out somewhere safe were you wouldn’t find it. Just had to let it out.


Not for Me

You think I’m the one who should be seducing you….sorry, but you’re not for me.

You think your C game should be enough, after all it was enough for all the others….well sorry, go back to that basic lot because you’re not for me.

Hey, sexual attraction is the key right? All you need?….thanks but I’ll pass, you’re not for me.

But hey, you got that fancy car, that should be enough right? Well, you probably pronounce Porsche as a one syllable word. I’m not impressed because you’re not for me.

Your go to is try the jealousy move….sure, why not expose your insecurity all at once. Thank you, makes it so easy to see that you’re not for me.

You go off with someone else, good for you, but still want me….too bad I don’t share and you’re not for me.

There are BILLIONS of people on this planet, but only one me. If you don’t realize that by now….you know what it is.

As conceited as you are you probably thought I’ve been waiting for someone like you. False. And until you can put more than the first two letters into extraordinary, you’ll never be for me.

Let’s say hypothetically you move on, settle down, lol. Congrats that’s the best your life will ever be. And you’ll have to go all the rest of your days knowing you were never good enough for me.

You won’t see me or hear me, real g’s move in silence. But I’ll be out there somewhere, and you’ll know it, and it’ll drive you crazy. Because you know deep down I will find someone better than you, I’ll search the four corners of the earth til I find true perfection. And that one, that you would be ashamed to even gaze upon, that’s the one that is for me.

Don’t blame yourself just because you didn’t pass the muster. You’re not the first to leave with your heart in your hands, putting on a brave face when inside you’re absolutely devastated. You won’t be the last either. But I own you. Forever. That’s my superpower.

Simon, my hero

Simon remember that time I went on a walk with you guys on the hills of Scotland, I just wanted to say thank you for being my hero that day. Stupid me I just took it we were just going for a walk but it turned out to be a hike trail and I was so out of shape I felt like I was going to burst at the seems and couldn’t go any further. I remember telling you guys you could leave me and you will find me when you came back but you insisted that you stay with me to keep me company. I remember also thinking I could just jump into the loch and claw my way back on the rocks to the hotel but I don’t remember saying that out loud. Lol. Note of attention, I can’t even swim but then I think miracles would have been possible that day if I put my mind to it. My thoughts turned to you this day and I can only say you are the only man who stuck it out with me when I was having a hard time. You were kind enough to stay with me and keep me company while heading back to the hotel, making sure I was safe. This day I dedicate to you and your act of kindness and care to me. Will forever be grateful for you and that day. I hope wherever you are you are doing fine and wish you all the happiness in the world.