Hi K,
I’m so glad that I received a letter from you in the post. And you even got me a postcard with a photo of a grey tabby cat on the front. You know how much I adore cats 🙂 Just waiting for your phone call now, to arrange with you when you can come over to my flat. I haven’t chosen a name for said rescue cat yet. I am still trying to think of what to call it. Much love.
It doesn’t take much to make me happy. Stability, peace, some good company. I don’t think that’s too much. Yet I struggle to think of many times when I had all three.
When I was younger, I had so many dreams. I wanted to travel. Not just to see the world, but to fully immerse myself in foreign cultures. I wanted lots of money, to buy myself the nicest of all things that I desired. I wanted respect; at that point I was already tired of being overlooked and under-appreciated. I wanted a full life of experiences and romances that I could remember even when I was old.
But life comes at you fast. Faster than anyone can prepare you for. I had a lot of momentum, and rode that through my early 20s. I still felt like an outsider mostly, but at least I had a positive trajectory. Then I messed up a couple opportunities, lost some of that mo. I spent too much time trying to improve social elements of my life, which I was never very good at, and not enough time working on myself and my own long-standing issues. Things were already stalling a little, and then my entire life got turned upside down, all that inertia I had coasted on disappeared overnight. And I spent the next few years wallowing in the fact that nobody really cared as long as they still got whatever it was they wanted from me.
Now, I just feel alone and hopeless. Like my life has already passed me by. I never questioned my capabilities to overcome any obstacle in my life, but now I find myself gripped with the question: can I summon the strength to start over completely? Or is it already too late for me? Do I need to adjust my expectations for a life of total mediocrity? No one is going to help me, it’s all up to me. I have never really had much confidence, but now I have none at all.
Still tho, I can’t just completely give up, right? The odds may have never been so stacked against me, but, what if I could still have 10% of the life I wanted? What about 50%? What if, I could just get over this mountain, and my life is better than I could have ever expected and this looks like a little bump in the rear view? I have to tell myself that. False hope is better than none at all.
i dont even know where to begin.
we loved each other, didnt we? that wasnt fake, was it? im questioning everything now because nothing makes sense anymore and life feels so empty and pointless. im in apathetic self destruction mode, and my heart hasnt stopped physically hurting since you gave me that look when i asked if you still loved me. you were magic. we were magic. i understood when you didnt want to be anything “official” because of your shitty ex. i understood because ive been there, and it’s valid. but do you want to know what else i thought? what i told myself, what i told close friends? i thought that i was perfectly fine with waiting until you were ready for an official label because i could feel in my heart that we were going to spend our lives together so i was in no rush, we had the rest of our lives. i fully felt that. i felt it so deeply. i loved you more than words can ever describe. you told me you loved me too. did you mean it? was i just a rebound? was i just a fuck? did you even mean it when you said it? in every moment i felt like my soul was being touched, were you unimpressed? bored? disgusted? unaffected? i told you how much i loved you. it wasnt a secret. i told you consistently. if you had told me to stop, i would have – but you told me you felt the same. for the first time in my life, i FELT loved.
As much as I have feelings for you, and you have feelings for me, I cannot cheat on my fiance with you. Even if I AM a little bit attracted to you. Plus I’d only let myself down, and I have to live with myself, for the rest of my life, so no. I’m attracted to your lovely sweet personality, but still, i can’t. Maybe if I was single, then yes, I definitely would jump at the chance. However I am committed to my fiance, and I did promise to marry him. Time will tell, but I can’t let anything or anyone come between me and him. By all means it’s flattering to have a young lad trying to win me over, yet I can’t break my standards when it comes to being in a fully committed relationship. I don’t think you thought this through clearly enough. You will probably find someone else that you’re attracted to some time in the future. And I doubt you would die just to have me in your arms and in your bed.
If you don’t step up i will soon find another lad to be mine. It’s your loss. Oh and that false marriage proposal.
I’ve just picked my kid up from school. She’s telling me about what a great day she had at school after she missed a day yesterday from having a bad fall on the concrete on our morning walk, comes into school looking like a tough kid with her paw patrol bandaid under her eye.
As we’re crossing the street during our walk home that’s when I hear shouting coming from directly behind us. I see two teen boys getting out of a car and shouting nigga repeatedly at another teen boy crossing , they then rush him in a pummel of fists and more shouting. I tell my five year old to keep walking to get her and myself out of immediate danger in case some asshole brought weapons to this juvenile fight. I hear other cars honking and stopping , a women is shouting and a group is forming , I’m assuming braver adults or those without the company of a child are interjecting on the Street fight , maybe retaining the participants until law enforcement show up. Heck if I know, we didn’t stick around to find our. Two blocks away I hear a boys frustrated screaming and I pick up the pace a bit.
I know that I don’t trust the new Hannah working in our building. You’re right. She IS trying to take you away from me. Yet what would the reason even be? Thing is, I think we both need to tell Hannah to get lost, because she’s trying to interfere. The awful thing aswell that I notice a LOT, every time I’m just about to go out somewhere and when I’m returning home, there she suddenly is in.my eyeline again. Wtf? She is a psychotic stalker. Does she honestly think that I haven’t picked up on it? She thinks me and you are daft. I’m sure. Never mind. Me and you are a force to be reckoned with. No-one will come between us both. Not even Hannah. Or the other one.
A long time ago I remember having conversations with you about income inequality and anti-bullying of LGBTQ, and boycotting water parks that abuse their animals. (Then the next time we’d talk you bully me about buying you a 1500 leather jacket I could never afford, but I wasn’t gay so I guess that’s all ok). And I was never raised to even listen to any argument coming from that side of the aisle, but rather just immediately chalk it up as some liberal snowflake bullshit. But you know, I wanted to impress you, and so I’d read an article here and there. I’d actually a listen a little bit
Thanks Mr. You really have helped me a lot. It really doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of you or me. The important thing is that we have each other. I’m glad that you live in the flat opposite mine. Not sure what I’d do without you. You have really been trying to prove to me that you’re here for me, and I believe you. Why shouldn’t I? You never let me down. You are a true 💎
Yes I completely see where you’re coming from. The communal room is more trouble than it’s even worth. It causes a lot of drama. Me and you often avoid that room for good reason. Me and you both know that we prefer our privacy. I think me and you are very similar. Plus I shouldn’t have to be discussing my love life with any of them lot. It’s none of their business who I’m dating. I don’t even get why they would want to know. It’s a bit pointless anyway. People always think that they’re in the best relationship. Actually some of them really aren’t but if we tell them to their faces they will instantly accuse us of trying to ruin their relationship or what’s left of it. Lol. I also don’t see why I shouldn’t put my own life first. I need to put my own needs first. Can you imagine what I’d end up like without getting enough sleep? Me too. Exactly. So before anyone tells you or me what THEY think is good for us, we’ll how would they know if they’re not in our bodies and don’t have the same mind? I don’t think they’re in any state to judge anyone. Don’t go looking for idiotic village gossip like they do. It’s wasting precious time and oxygen that will be better spend being productive and having an actual life. Thanks for supporting me, buddy. You are literally THE best. You show emotion and you’re very caring. What more could I want?
