All the Things I Want to Say to You

I think I fell in love with you the very first day I met you. Something clicked then, and at first I thought it was just an annoying crush, but I think I realize now that was love sliding into place for me. I didn’t think love at first sight was a thing, but I don’t know what else to call you and me. Of course, you didn’t love me at first sight—I don’t even know if you love me now—but if all you had to offer me at first was your friendship, then I would take that over nothing any day of the week.

But then something changed. I don’t know when it changed for you, or why, but something changed. Suddenly, you were always offering me a ride home. Suddenly, I looked pretty at work. Suddenly, I was cute. And, yet, we were still “just friends”. Cowardice from both sides kept us apart. But then I was leaving. And something changed again. This time, though, it was huge. Suddenly, I was beautiful. Suddenly, I was yours. Suddenly, I “might be the girl” for you. But I was also not your girl, as you liked to remind me, because I was leaving.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I can honestly say that while that may be true, it also fucking hurts. For a while, I thought we both felt that. Shared texts proclaiming the hurt we both feel, how much we wish the other was with us, and counting down the days until we see each other again. I thought we were on the same page. But then something changed. This time, I don’t know what it was, but something changed for you, and suddenly my texts went unanswered, phone calls unreturned. Little excuses about how bad you are at communicating seemed to put bandaids over those wounds, but I’m learning that they were too deep to be fixed that simply.

Now, I don’t know what to do. I want to be with you. I’ve put over a year’s worth of emotional investment in you, and right when I think you are finally giving me what I want, you pull back. I don’t know how to make this work. Am I expecting too much? Are we on different pages about what we are? I just wish you would talk to me to ease my worries. I feel like I have made it so clear what I want from you, and I just get ignored time and time again. At what point should I say “enough is enough?”. You told me you wanted to be with me. Is that still true? Because if it’s not please let me know so that I can move on. I still think I love you, and frankly, I probably always will in a way, but I need to know what is going on inside that head of yours because I am driving myself crazy trying to figure it out.

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