I am very thankful to have you around, and a part of me will always wish that you’d love me as much as I love you.
I moved on and forward but sometimes I wonder if I was even a blip on your radar. It felt real and special, but it was quickly and swiftly lost. Years later, it still gives me pause, the memories. I wish I could say I wish you well, but there’s a lot you left unraveled and undone. It’s not fair people can leave you high and dry, with little care for your emotions, but I’ve realized that not everything is made to make sense.
Hope is such a gift to me. I wish I didn’t hope. I wish I didn’t have it even in the face of the disturbing things going on in my life. I fear hope at times. It grabs me by my soul and gives me dreams of things I long for. It torments and twists my soul in an excruciating manner as in a game of cat and mouse. I am the one it tortures and I am the one it kills. I wish I would stop hoping. I wish I would stop dreaming. I wish I would stop wanting. I hope so much. I dream so much. I want so much. But 1 or none ever in my reach. Even in the midst of my hope I am plagued by reason and beaten down by doubt. Reason for how will things change when I can’t change how things are or can’t change how someone treats me when intent on destroying me for unjustifiable emotions on their part. Doubt for how will things get better were I am even in the face of me trying to be strong. My dream created my prayer, the utterance of my prayers manifested my dream, my dream after so many years came true and my choice of that dream led me here because I had hope and still have hope. But what good is hope when I am plagued by reason and beaten down by doubt. Hope is a hurtful emotion. A hurtful emotion indeed to me. How many times have I hoped only to have myself or some other person dash it. I fail myself in my hope. Others kill me for my hope. I don’t think there ever was a time when I truly enjoyed the fulfillment of my hope to it’s fullest. Suffer I do for hope. Suffer I do for the light inside me. Difficult it is to bear the presence of those bitter in their own lives, bitter to such an extent the only way they see is to hurt me, to dash my hope. How can I give up my gift. How can I give up hope. For to give up on hope is to give up on my humanity. How can I give up my light. A light which seemingly attracts darkness. A light which seemingly turns on itself. Destroying itself. Eating itself alive. How can I be without the other. Hope, hope is a gift. My gift. And seemingly my end.
But thanks for telling me.
You know T, you are kinda sexy in a rebellious, skateboarding, Millenial type of way. I watch your content on Youtube every day and, I can tell that you’re a closet perfectionist because you speak so crisply. I’ve never been a Youtube creator so I’m sure there is another level of quality that your videos must meet, hence the crispy speak.
I’ve watched several of your videos reporting on the workforce and about workers leaving their jobs and the need for qualified workers, and so on and so on. I’ve come to realize that we are all being gaslit by the mainstream media. I’m looking for work right now and it’s tough out there. I’m applying for positions that I’m over-qualified for and I don’t have potential employers blowing up my phone wanting to give me a job. Maybe it’s an “East Coast thing” but out here in California, jobs are not very plentiful. So, dude, can you please cut the hype and mild hysteria about the economy collapsing and the lack of qualified workers because it’s not that way out here. Okay? Wish me luck TP.
I think I fell in love with you the very first day I met you. Something clicked then, and at first I thought it was just an annoying crush, but I think I realize now that was love sliding into place for me. I didn’t think love at first sight was a thing, but I don’t know what else to call you and me. Of course, you didn’t love me at first sight—I don’t even know if you love me now—but if all you had to offer me at first was your friendship, then I would take that over nothing any day of the week.
But then something changed. I don’t know when it changed for you, or why, but something changed. Suddenly, you were always offering me a ride home. Suddenly, I looked pretty at work. Suddenly, I was cute. And, yet, we were still “just friends”. Cowardice from both sides kept us apart. But then I was leaving. And something changed again. This time, though, it was huge. Suddenly, I was beautiful. Suddenly, I was yours. Suddenly, I “might be the girl” for you. But I was also not your girl, as you liked to remind me, because I was leaving.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I can honestly say that while that may be true, it also fucking hurts. For a while, I thought we both felt that. Shared texts proclaiming the hurt we both feel, how much we wish the other was with us, and counting down the days until we see each other again. I thought we were on the same page. But then something changed. This time, I don’t know what it was, but something changed for you, and suddenly my texts went unanswered, phone calls unreturned. Little excuses about how bad you are at communicating seemed to put bandaids over those wounds, but I’m learning that they were too deep to be fixed that simply.
Now, I don’t know what to do. I want to be with you. I’ve put over a year’s worth of emotional investment in you, and right when I think you are finally giving me what I want, you pull back. I don’t know how to make this work. Am I expecting too much? Are we on different pages about what we are? I just wish you would talk to me to ease my worries. I feel like I have made it so clear what I want from you, and I just get ignored time and time again. At what point should I say “enough is enough?”. You told me you wanted to be with me. Is that still true? Because if it’s not please let me know so that I can move on. I still think I love you, and frankly, I probably always will in a way, but I need to know what is going on inside that head of yours because I am driving myself crazy trying to figure it out.
I feel you but I also know how every time I am there so is someone else regardless if it is my doing or yours. I end up watching and wondering to myself “what is the reason for doing this” and then we both just piss each other off until the clock runs out.
I miss you. I do know that. But I also know I am not down for the same story different years type of situation over and over and over. I am so conflicted and it makes me question what the right move should be.