Today I was thinking of you. It’s so strange that after all this time I still cant forget you. You made a lasting impact on my life. In a good and positive way. You were a great inspiration, you are 1 of thee most talented and well educated women I know. You probably much wiser now too lol.
Anyway I won’t make this long. Just thought about you so I came on here to write to you,I know you may never see this too but that’s okay.
I love you and miss you
Take Care of yourself
Today was a fucking awful day.
I’m getting married later this week. To the man I love, who has been my partner for over 9 years. And I just kept anticipating this week. Like building it up in my head. So excited, like this week was gonna be the best week of the year or something. I don’t know why I do this. It’s like I ruined it before it even started. We had a fight today, that started over something so asinine. So insignificant.
And then, of course, he just held onto the anger all day, which eventually left me feeling like I just had to tiptoe around him. That of course led to another fight. After which, I was told to run our pre-planned errands for the day by myself. Offered to pick up dinner for us. He declined. Came home and he was still irritated. Quiet. Just not really talking to me. Then he left to go for a ride on his motorcycle. Then he came back home and, in trying to ask him how we could better resolve/handle the situation in the future, I managed to make him more upset.
So now I’m just sitting awake in bed, writing this letter, because I feel so stupid for building this day up in my head. And we’re getting married this week. On Friday. And it’s only Monday and I’m already over this week.
I fucking hated today. Fuck this day.
On top of it all, my mom is toxic, my sister isn’t talking to me, and I just feel pretty alone. I hate this day. And I hate the way I feel right now.
Til’ my last breath I will love you.
Here’s a spoiler. Main spoiler in fact: I don’t like most people. I never have. I could go on and on about this, but really what’s important is that I do like you. A lot. Usually there’s trade offs. Sharp, but also dull. Radiant, but also dark. But you, my dear, are the complete package.
I fell in love with you almost two years ago. You were something unobtainable and something I felt like I had to fight to win you and your feelings over. You led me on for 6 months with your constant excuses of why I wasn’t good enough to date. I’ve been through a lot in life- I’ve gotten beaten, raped, lied to, and abused- nothing hurt worse than hearing reasons why I wasn’t worthy of your love. I begged you for any kind of relationship with you that you’d allow. Finally in July you decided to say yes- simply to subside my begging I believe. Time kept on and the seasons changed, as they do. Your controlling remarks, your distrust, everything continued to worsen. Sometimes I think back and feel like taking a beating was a lot easier than wondering what kind of argument would ensue. Almost two years passed and I ended up living with you. You were never home and the house felt empty without you- it felt like a house; but when you arrived home from work and stayed with me a few minutes it felt like a home. In March when I finally decided to leave I stood in your bedroom- clutching the Better Homes and Gardens comforter I had surprised you with when you went on a trip I wasn’t allowed on. I knew this would be the last time I would stand there. I knew when I walked out of the house that night everything I had endured, everything I had begged for would be gone and you wouldn’t care. I was forfeiting all the good moments we had- even though they were scarce and fleeting- I knew we would never make another memory and I think that’s what hurt the worst. Months pass; I try seeing other people. I sleep around. I do anything I can to feel something. Anything. I knew I’d never see you again. I didn’t expect you to ever try to reach out to me. But two days ago while I was waiting in the church parking lot you sent me a message. Almost 6 months later. My heart burned, my mind churned with curiosity. I fall into your trap. You tell me everything I want to hear again. We could get married. We could have a baby. I could come back “home”. I close my eyes and soak in these moments because I know they won’t last too much longer. For a few moments I was so excited for what we could have. You never wanted to marry me before. You cringed at the thought of having a baby. But now here you are. Will this moment be fleeting, too? Then your true colors come out again. Everything comes out. I see the real you. You get so upset at me for being with other people when we weren’t together. You get angry that I didn’t wait for you… when I didn’t know I was expected to. I choke back tears at the mall. I cry in front of my friends. Today was supposed to be a happy day. I got a new job and got accepted in the special education program. I wanted to celebrate with you. I wanted so bad for someone to be proud of me- for once. I never felt like I was enough to anyone. I thought maybe today- you’d be proud of me and what I’ve done and what I’ve overcome. But you listen to me cry all the way home on the phone. I think of all the love songs that had started to make sense to me. All the love stories I started to understand. I know that this wasn’t meant to be and that I can only hurt so much. But I shouldn’t hate myself. I shouldn’t let you degrade me. I am worthy. I am worthy of someone’s love. Someone will love me one day and love won’t hurt.