Month: February 2021

Dear Mom,

The last time we spoke, we got into a fight. I wanted you to sign some papers transferring control over your affairs to me, and you didn’t want to. I remember saying something like, ‘don’t come to me next time you need something’, then hung up, screamed FUCK as loud as I could and then just got up and left my office and went home. Not long after you were getting rushed to the ER, went into a coma. I got to see your lifeless body one more time before we pulled the plug, thought I could make some peace with things. But how do you reconcile knowing that that fight was the last straw for you, that you gave up fighting after that. You’d battled so bravely through so much, surpassed every prognostication and lived to see all the goals you set out for yourself, to see some of the seminal moments in your children’s lives. After being absent nearly the entire time of your sickness, never really doing anything for you if it inconvenienced me in the slightest, after being terrible to you most of the time before you got sick, my final act was to deprive you of whatever small will you had left to live. I didn’t kill you, but I might as well have.

And what was I so angry about? That you couldn’t motivate yourself to get out of your situation and make a new life for yourself before it was too late? After you died, I fell into your situation, and guess what, I didn’t do a damn thing either. I never once thought, while you were alive, how hard it is to dispose of your entire life, start over from scratch, when you’re alone all the time, nobody wants to spend time with you or really help you, nobody wants to talk to you unless they want something. No one appreciates what you do for them, they just take it as an indication of what to expect in the future. And my situation isn’t even 1% as bad as yours, between the financial security I used to have, all the treatments you were getting, and COVID lockdowns that made my isolation not seem so bad. But even from Heaven I believe this has been you teaching me a lesson, because there’s so many days I don’t even want to get out of bed, and I know you must have felt like that a lot too.

I can’t tell you where the last 3 years went. I can’t tell you what I’ve done during that time, or where all my money went. I’ve just been drunk, or hi, or both, pretty much every minute of every day since you died. Every day I wake up, I can feel my life is a little bit less than it was the day before. My chances of ever having the life I wanted grow a little smaller. I never understood how much I relied on you until it was too late. I never appreciated how all the kind words and positivity you sent in my direction bolstered me to get through all the difficulties of life. I would give anything to have one more day with you, to tell you how sorry I am and how much I have learned from you since you passed.

I could live the rest of my life atoning, in my own way, for what a failure I was to you and I just feel like generally. It probably wouldn’t take much longer. But if I have any chance left to get my life back on track, I have to take it now. Maybe that’s the only way I can do right by you now, is to make the most of life to honor yours. I’ll never stop missing you, regretting so many of our interactions and desperately trying to remember the really good ones. But I can’t change any of that any more than I can get back the 3 years since you died. I love you Mom, please forgive me and look over me and help me do what I’ve been putting off for so long.

The things that I know stand in our way-Well they are what they are.
Other than those, would we have had a chance? I thought so at one stage, that time when I said If I asked you out, you responded that “If you asked me I wouldn’t say…” then you said, “No keep quiet I shouldn’t encourage” or something similar and I sort of thought that was a way of saying if I did, you’d say yes, add in the things we talked about, things you told me, well I figured a chance.
But of course I can’t force myself ten years younger, cannot rid myself of a child.
I can become like you, in that other way which you doubted, but all I can say is once I asked for something-You are it, like 99.9% so if you could love me, how could I not believe.

But the truth is something changed, I wish I could ask what, what did I do wrong.
But where once there was flirtation and a closeness, now we seem very much like “mmm I can be around him, he’s ok but..”
I am so sorry for that, if I knew what I did, well I wouldn’t have done it.
Of course todays chat revealed the things you want, aside from seeming to be like not just urges of things to do, but distance from here , well my situation of course won’t allow me to do all of them.
A hell of a lot, but todays chat revealed more widening of the gap-I don’t want to get married, yeah because not so long ago yes, yes you did, at least you had plans on how, what the requirements were.
So is there another way to say “End of, it aint happening, forget it, no way” but with the overtones of “I am too nice so how do I say do one jerk, but nicely?”

Well I am not going to mention how I feel ever again to you, not joke about marriage, it seems to have scared you.
But the reason I am here is, I cannot just say “Hey don’t love C any more”
If that was possible I would, after all, loving someone who doesn’t love you but by choice, is like stabbing a hot poker in your leg and refusing medical aid, and not even having to do it to begin with. It hurts like hell and untreated it gets worse.

Well I do love you, sorry if you can’t handle it, but you are like sunshine, you do literally light me up and make me happier than I ever imagined, you are like a part of my soul was missing and then boom you came into my life and it all slotted in perfectly.
To me, you are the most beautiful and perfect person.
But I could handle a lot, you being with someone else, you going away, all of it, if I could only mean something to you.
All I want-Well of course I would always wish to be loved by you like I love you, but ok if not, then to be like a really good friend. The type who wants to message ME occasionally to see if I am ok.
The type who runs to hug ME if they haven’t seen me for a while.
The sort that misses me when I am not there, and I see clear as day, you do not. I am someone who if you don’t see for a week, that’s ok, if you don’t see for a month, oh well, got my real friends.
And that is the biggest hurt of all, I mean really makes me physically ache, because I cannot help how I feel, so of course If I could at least matter, then I would always be a person you want to stay in touch with.
Don’t say you never message a good friend, never worry about them, you’re too nice a person.
But I am not a blip on the radar, an acquaintance basically, someone who you get on with when we’re in the same room.
If you told me what to do to be worthy of friendship, I would do it, if I had to walk through fire for that I would.

Sure I am pathetic, a loser, so why would you want to-I am not undervaluing myself, i know I am great, but in your eyes, someone who is in love with you so much they are desperate for a crumb of affection willingly given from you to me, of course I seem pathetic.
Well I cannot do anything but say sorry, sorry for loving you, sorry for being happy if I could just be a person you like enough to ask after, to want to talk to once in a while.
Because I am such an idiot, I will do my best in the infrequent times I get to see you, to be just the very best I can to you.
Once, you’d come to see me, you made a point of when we were around together you’d come and say goodbye, so we shall see, if our relationship, for whatever it is and was, has changed, then you won’t bother, I sadly suspect the next time we see each other, if I don’t come over to you, you’ll just go. Of course with a cheery goodbye to the others.
And that will be extra proof it was me who did something stupid, what it was I wish and wish I knew, me liking you wasn’t it, we were brilliant even after that.
I will for so long as I have a remote chance, fight with every part of me to just be important to you, not asking marriage, not asking sex, you know I respect you and even if on a plate to me, I would never dream of betraying your trust that way, we covered that.
I hope I can just genuinely earn the affection of a person who wants to once in a while say how are you, and who when they have been away, be excited to see me, and eager for a hug.
I am rambling now, I just needed to vent my grief at my own idiocy of losing someone who could have been a great friend but now, is …I don’t know what I am even supposed to call you.
I pray I can earn even the camaraderie we had back. I will do my best, already you made me start down the path of being a better person, so I hope and pray I can be better and be worthy of a thought of affection one day even just as good friends
I love you always

I had a panic attack today. You’ve been kind of distant and cold since we hung out over the weekend. I blame myself for everything, naturally, so it really hit hard when I had to send a “Did i do something wrong?” snapchat to you. You see, I’ve never known love. It has teased me and flirted with me, but has never been mine. You give me hope that someone could (and ultimately will) love me some day, but will it be you? Or do you just want me for hookups and nothing more? This is why I never let anyone in and why I will be closing the doors again for a while. We aren’t 100% over, but it just feels like that’s what it is coming to. I am heartbroken. I am shattered. I feel like I’m suffocating… all over again.

I was inspired by this tik tok video that asked, “what would you say to the person that you want to be with?”

If I got to tell you how I truly feel. Is that from the time I met you when we were 12 years old, is that you are truly one of kind and are special. Your spirit and energy are just so beautiful and that you are filled with light and love. The funny thing is that you make me want to be better, when I’m usually the person who encourages others to be better versions of themselves. When we last connected, I felt a warmth and a sense of peace that I’ve never experienced before. To this day from 2014, I have not made that connection with anyone. I think about you often and I’ll wonder if we are truly meant to be or if we’ll ever get the opportunity? I know right now you’re dealing with a lot and have somethings you’ll have to figure out. Either way just know that I love you and always have.

I saw this comment by a person who posted to the tik tok mentioned above “I would say let your guard down, give me a chance to love you, and I’ll love you properly. You have my heart. I’ve already fallen for you.”

Hoping that one day I get to tell you all of this in person and that you’ll be receptive to the idea of you and I together forever.

There are sheep and lambs. Change is possible. But usually you don’t forget what you know, you can’t unsee what you saw. Otherwise you would either have to lie to yourself or to others or all. Meow

There’s a ‘your side of the story’ too.

Ah so it has been a little while, we’ve both been “out” as such, and soon we will see each other again. I can’t say how happy I am, also how sad, I have determined that despite the excuses or, reasons why not as you would call them, I will be everything I can, do what I can to be right for you.
Of course as you said and I admit, I cannot change everything, but I could and would be what I said, whether you believe I can or not is a bigger thing to convince you but the other things, well one of those plays on my mind now.
I know the break I need to make, but when and how is a thorny issue, though you could imagine that if indeed the issues mean you will never say yes even if you did change your feelings, then why would I bother?
Well I must I feel, can life drag on with being partly happy or not at all?
Well I don’t know what the future holds but I do know I am stagnating doing what I am, what a waste of my life that would be to persist that way.
This year I have some things I have to do. You are part of it, to become someone you love or at least cement a deeper bond between us because I love you I want to be in your life and matter to you.
Career needs that shove which I will ensure it gets.
And the other thing, yeah it has to get at least to the point the subject is brought out if not fully dealt with.
For now, I will settle for seeing you when I do, and be blessed I get to it is the sunshine in my day the moment I lay eyes on you