The things that I know stand in our way-Well they are what they are.
Other than those, would we have had a chance? I thought so at one stage, that time when I said If I asked you out, you responded that “If you asked me I wouldn’t say…” then you said, “No keep quiet I shouldn’t encourage” or something similar and I sort of thought that was a way of saying if I did, you’d say yes, add in the things we talked about, things you told me, well I figured a chance.
But of course I can’t force myself ten years younger, cannot rid myself of a child.
I can become like you, in that other way which you doubted, but all I can say is once I asked for something-You are it, like 99.9% so if you could love me, how could I not believe.
But the truth is something changed, I wish I could ask what, what did I do wrong.
But where once there was flirtation and a closeness, now we seem very much like “mmm I can be around him, he’s ok but..”
I am so sorry for that, if I knew what I did, well I wouldn’t have done it.
Of course todays chat revealed the things you want, aside from seeming to be like not just urges of things to do, but distance from here , well my situation of course won’t allow me to do all of them.
A hell of a lot, but todays chat revealed more widening of the gap-I don’t want to get married, yeah because not so long ago yes, yes you did, at least you had plans on how, what the requirements were.
So is there another way to say “End of, it aint happening, forget it, no way” but with the overtones of “I am too nice so how do I say do one jerk, but nicely?”
Well I am not going to mention how I feel ever again to you, not joke about marriage, it seems to have scared you.
But the reason I am here is, I cannot just say “Hey don’t love C any more”
If that was possible I would, after all, loving someone who doesn’t love you but by choice, is like stabbing a hot poker in your leg and refusing medical aid, and not even having to do it to begin with. It hurts like hell and untreated it gets worse.
Well I do love you, sorry if you can’t handle it, but you are like sunshine, you do literally light me up and make me happier than I ever imagined, you are like a part of my soul was missing and then boom you came into my life and it all slotted in perfectly.
To me, you are the most beautiful and perfect person.
But I could handle a lot, you being with someone else, you going away, all of it, if I could only mean something to you.
All I want-Well of course I would always wish to be loved by you like I love you, but ok if not, then to be like a really good friend. The type who wants to message ME occasionally to see if I am ok.
The type who runs to hug ME if they haven’t seen me for a while.
The sort that misses me when I am not there, and I see clear as day, you do not. I am someone who if you don’t see for a week, that’s ok, if you don’t see for a month, oh well, got my real friends.
And that is the biggest hurt of all, I mean really makes me physically ache, because I cannot help how I feel, so of course If I could at least matter, then I would always be a person you want to stay in touch with.
Don’t say you never message a good friend, never worry about them, you’re too nice a person.
But I am not a blip on the radar, an acquaintance basically, someone who you get on with when we’re in the same room.
If you told me what to do to be worthy of friendship, I would do it, if I had to walk through fire for that I would.
Sure I am pathetic, a loser, so why would you want to-I am not undervaluing myself, i know I am great, but in your eyes, someone who is in love with you so much they are desperate for a crumb of affection willingly given from you to me, of course I seem pathetic.
Well I cannot do anything but say sorry, sorry for loving you, sorry for being happy if I could just be a person you like enough to ask after, to want to talk to once in a while.
Because I am such an idiot, I will do my best in the infrequent times I get to see you, to be just the very best I can to you.
Once, you’d come to see me, you made a point of when we were around together you’d come and say goodbye, so we shall see, if our relationship, for whatever it is and was, has changed, then you won’t bother, I sadly suspect the next time we see each other, if I don’t come over to you, you’ll just go. Of course with a cheery goodbye to the others.
And that will be extra proof it was me who did something stupid, what it was I wish and wish I knew, me liking you wasn’t it, we were brilliant even after that.
I will for so long as I have a remote chance, fight with every part of me to just be important to you, not asking marriage, not asking sex, you know I respect you and even if on a plate to me, I would never dream of betraying your trust that way, we covered that.
I hope I can just genuinely earn the affection of a person who wants to once in a while say how are you, and who when they have been away, be excited to see me, and eager for a hug.
I am rambling now, I just needed to vent my grief at my own idiocy of losing someone who could have been a great friend but now, is …I don’t know what I am even supposed to call you.
I pray I can earn even the camaraderie we had back. I will do my best, already you made me start down the path of being a better person, so I hope and pray I can be better and be worthy of a thought of affection one day even just as good friends
I love you always