Day: February 12, 2021

Disgruntled by Life’s Entrance

How do you stay

In rooms

While I am always thinking

Outside of them?

Hoping for what?

Perhaps an adventure

With a whole different

Landscape

Maybe a friend.

I’m never

Too sure.

I just know

I am never

Quite in them

Never feel the wallpaper

Or touch the floorboards

So solid in their nature.

I am always and always

Looking for the nearest

exit.

Hopeful forgets the nightmare

Running away from nightmares tonight,

Feasible in the dark corners of the room

Tangible in the flimsy peripheral

Of my mind.

And I wish I wouldn’t fall asleep

And I wish I wouldn’t live in fear

And I wish I knew it was just a nightmare to me

And somewhere there are jokes

and song interludes with funny names

And my sister holding my hand as

I learned to breathe on a hospital bed

And my father’s exasperated voice

Telling me it will be okay

And it will be.

Time and time again.

Forever my baby boy

My darling baby, I am not sure how 11 years have past since we lost you. You were our precious baby boy. We missed all of your firsts, we missed watching you grow up, play with your cousins, welcome your younger siblings but above all we missed loving on you everyday.

No parent is meant to bury their child but losing you was so much worse than words can describe. My heart has never healed since your heart stopped beating. I will never forget this moment, it was the absolute worse moment of my life. I had your last heart beat turned into a necklace, it is physical reminder of how precious life is and how quickly it can change.

Your daddy is still struggling with not having you here with us. You were his name sake, his first born, and the one he loved more than anything. I have come to accept your loss, as your mom I know the pain you would suffer would be unbearable. The doctors only did what they knew we could not do. They knew we were not ready to stop treatments voluntarily.

Daddy and I may not be together anymore but our love for you will never diminish. We have our own issues and we will deal with them as we need to but for now the distance between us is making us stronger for those in our lives. You would have been surrounded by so much love.

Your daddy got married 3 years ago and your younger brother turned one recently. Your stepmom would have loved you as much as we do, and your (former) stepdad is still doing everything he can to keep the peace between your daddy and I. He loves you in his own way, he just has a hard time expressing is emotions. Please know that the fighting between your daddy and I is just because we both miss and love you so much.

Watching your cousins come into my life and watching them grow up is incredibly difficult for me. I love them so much but it hurts that I can spend time with them when I cannot spend time with you my darling baby boy. You would have been the best older brother and cousin. I can’t help but think of how much fun you would have teasing and playing with them, you would be the only boy so far.

This time of the year is so difficult because it marks the day we lost you, but the day which was meant to be your birthday holds an unmeasurable amount of questions and pain. Who would you look like, what would be your favorite color, you favorite book, your favorite subject in school, your favorite sport to play, or your favorite food.

My last two rounds of cancer bring me right back to the day I found out I had it when I was pregnant with you. While treatment back then was so much more stressful because I just wanted to protect you. I wanted to give you the best chance for survival. Your daddy and I agreed to do whatever was needed to give you the best chance to be here with us but it got to the point when the doctors had to stop us from continuing down this path, they knew they would lose both of us if we kept going. While your daddy may understand the larger picture he still misses you and can’t move past that we lost you. I hope he can come to some peace knowing it was necessary.

I told J about you over the summer because I don’t want to keep anyone else in the dark about you. No matter how it changed us I needed him to know about my first born. It hurts so much to not talk about you. Daddy and I made the decision years ago to keep you as our secret. We did not want to hurt your grandparents at the time but looking back it would have been easier to heal after we lost you if they knew. They have no idea why there are days when getting out of bed is difficult, watching your cousin is unbearable, and fighting with your daddy hurts so much. I pray that in time this gets easier but even after all these years the wounds are still raw.

I know you are with those who raised me but I cannot help but feel jealous that they get you to themselves for now. There will come a day when I get to hold you again but for now they will love on you for me. My darling baby boy please know you are loved beyond measure and I cannot wait to see you again when my time here is done. Save me some big hugs. Love you always and forever my love bug.

Just what to say?

Ok this is just spitballing but i think i got it

Hey xxx let me introduce myself i’m xxx i think you met my brother, looks just like me but he is a total dick.
LOL Seriously, i know you said you were cool with me, but i didnt feel i ever really apologised, and i kinda felt that maybe where you used to come say bye, or come say lets take a break, or we would chat, now, maybe you hate if i message you, dont feel comfortable asking me a favour, or reluctant to chat like we did, or dont want to specifically come over and say bye because i may misread things.

So i wanted you to know, i agree with your reasons you said, and more than that, i really enjoyed how we got on, i felt we had a good bond, workwise and as friends, maybe you dont i dont know, anyway, i promise no nice gesture, no innuendo, no touch or request for a favour is going to make me think you are interested.
But maybe even me saying so you feel uncomfortable with me, so i wanted to clear the air, if i am making you feel bad or awkward, i will stay out your way be quiet and when we work together just do my work and stick to that, politely but thats all.
I really really dont want to have destroyed a good relationship by being a total dick, and have you cringe if you see a text or see me coming to ask you to have a break, and so want me to steer clear but, this is my doing so if you want that i apologise for my actions and accept with respect.
If however you can forgive me, well i promise you not to be such a moron again, i know totally if you had been interested you would of said, and also that there are reasons, good ones, it would be silly to anyway so i am not going to think, oh she touched me, im in, or hey she joked about nudity so she must like me etc, or wow she asked me to do x so she wants me, i know the deal and am happy, heck if you tell me you have a bf, then so long as you are happy, me too, that is why i am saying this, i want to be friends, but i want you to be comfortable with things most of all, if you are, then i am thankful for a 2nd chance and wont ever ever be a moron again, so just tell me can i build trust again or do you prefer i keep my distance?

I hope i remember all this and, that i get chance to say it, i hope you will let me be your friend again, i learned my lesson and i will definitely be just a friend it is more than enough, thank you

Dynamite

You never fail to keep breaking my heart.
I know you are searching, doing anything to numb the pain and I want to help so much. But you are dangerous right now. First steps have to be yours alone.
This ends badly, you know. Right or wrong, these people live a life of commitment. Youve never really commited to anything ever. Me, your kids, your job, your husbands. Nothing. What happens when they see through you? What happens when they find a new plaything?
You DO need to commit to something but this isnt it.
Please dont let me see you in the mugshots or the obits.
There is SO much more and better waiting on you in life. I will never stop believing that for you. YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS. I wish i could do more than pray and wait.