Month: February 2021

Its almost our 12th year

In our 12th year memory i still feel same as first day i knew you when we was just 25 you were pretty, beautiful, shining muy everyday , and the only one who can extract whole of my feelings out even with your craziness and your on and off times, i was really still loving you but .. the day i refused you back because your weren’t actually ready to back and from that day 5 years ago i never speak out the truth to you i am just vanished out of your life with my pain i just hided it deep inside me and gone even i knew from mu family you asked about me once or twice and no one was able to give you any clear answer . That’s because when i saw you married and happy and got a baby i said to myself it’s really over . Totally over and no way back .. i won’t talk about the feeling what caused me to cut you off and refuse even any kind of communications with you because i told you one day i afraid you make me go away because if i am gone i know myself i will never back and it was as i said because i am straight man who respects himself and his word , i stepped on my heart many times but I wasn’t able to do it again that’s why i left you that day in the hotel and i never look behind i really changed that day after you refused officially getting marry with me but the weird thing is you say you still love me .. i just left and i am totally cracked and i was expecting your answer before i meet you , and untill today i still see you unhappy in your new life and asking about me and i still as I promised you absence and exists around you by you don’t feel not because i want you back but because you werenthe only home to me i knew in this life .. i am sorry for being hard to you but i gave you what you wanted that time your total freedom even i am still single and just working hard … Refusing dozens of girls untill today i just can’t feel any of them
I am fine don’t worry about me somewhere very far on earth alone working hard , fighting covid 19 like everyone , composing new songs and writing lyrics alone, and i still watch the rain when it’s fall sitting front of house when i am free and watch it … Nowadays you really hit my mind too much i feel you not ok but i hope you’re ok .. even after 20 years as i said to you my soul will be always around you i want nothing but just to see you fine and the best always .. past is past you’re beautiful mom now protect yourself, your daughter and your husband from any danger around we’re all in this together and i hope we can pass safely take care of yourself my ……
Your …..

Count the dots to find our names 🙂

i’m sorry but still like you.

Dear T,
i messed up, again. i was to scared to start a relation ship last year. and i didn’t mean to lead you on. i liked you but was always to nervous to go for it. to say yes to you asking me out. to try. now i’m sure you hate me after the two times of you asking me out. I never meant to hurt you, but now that you’ve moved on i’m hurt. i always thought we’d give it a try, i’d give it a try eventually. i guess it’s to late now. but i’m sorry for saying no even when i meant yes. i just wish you’d give me one last chance.

My mind is a black hole

I don’t even know why I feel the need to write about this. I guess just knowing someone has read it might make me feel better. Sort of like a confession without having to actually tell someone. I had a great weekend and was unable relatively good mood. I came in today and my boss was in a bad mood. It set me off because this is the busiest day of the month for me. So I’m working on important shit and all of a sudden realize how much I love my sister and that one day, one of us is going to die and the other is going to be absolutely destroyed when that happens. No matter how old we are. One of us is going to have to live without the other and I can’t even imagine that. I start crying, get up and shut my door but keep working. Then I think about how my husband is going to die one day. Crying harder, now. Still working. Then I think about how something can happen to one of my kids. Then I realize that my parents are actually old now. Like my dad is about to be 70 this month. I think about how far away he is now and that I hardly ever see him. My sister shared a screenshot of him singing in his church. She watched it live on Facebook. And I can’t even stand to watch it because it will just trigger me and remind me of how far away he is. And that even if he lives to be 80, I probably have less than ten more times to actually see him. I think of how my kids are getting older. I cradled my 8 year old and sang her to sleep last night. I thought about how me and my husband used to grab her hands and swing her as we would walk. I don’t remember the last time we were able to do that. She is too tall now. So I thought, there will be a last time for me to cradle her and sing her to sleep and unless I keep a journal I won’t even remember it. It will just stop one day and never happen again. And I just feel the weight of life bearing down on me. That we just keep blindly going forward. Like walking through land mines, never knowing when something is going to detonate and change everything. Now I am in my car chain smoking. I’m about to go back inside and continue working like nothing ever happened. I don’t understand why I am like this and how I can just shut this shit off. Life is too much sometimes.

All worked up

I spent the day trying to find words for family of mine, still so enamored with the promise of Trump that they think the nation is now doomed

Oh no! Those oil men and women aren’t going to get their Keystone pipeline to work on so the governments dooming us.

I try to explain about the indigenous communities living on the land, who protested it before the groundwork was ever laid out who had rubber bullets rained down on them from their ancestral burial grounds, or the 400,000 gallons of crude oil that’s already spilled into the wetlands ecosystems. I provide articles on the treaties that promised the protection of these lands to the communities…

And the response I get? That’s just the way it is. They don’t even touch the information I provide from perfectly credible sources, instead citing that because their great great grandparents had a house on land that was taken for a water tower in Cali during the dustbowl, that it’s totally legit for this to happen now and Lo! She fuckin supports it to the point of saying the nations rubbish now that they’re reversing the decision. The fuck is this.

I’m gonna go have a toast for Flint.