You Brought Your Gun

Everything before that. You who was supposed to be my anchor, coming unhinged and allowing me to drift away. And the storms. They’ve been hitting. Like your rendition of thunder road at that Christmas party, like I can hear it again and we all never broke.

Split apart. Realizing more of who I was. Loving her. Almost dying over her. Selling him out for her. Uncalled for. Outrageous.

And then bam I’m gone, lap of luxury but a strict prison. Walking on eggshells. I gave it my all. I was guilty of the crime just not that time. Guess that’s my way of justifying it.

He was a damn connection for me right off the bat, waiting for those long shifts to see him come in for the night. He haunted the place like a ghost, and this ghost let me tell you, there’s this pull. Like chains wrapped around my stomach. A magnets power only being cranked up.

And then it happened. And it was happening but there was all this paranoia and fear. And then it blew up. But we knew it was bound to. And I was broken up all across the board from quite a few different directions. And then you were gone.

As the pot stirred you resurfaced as I had to come find you, in your dark corner somewhere, your smoky essence. To tell you what had gone down. Because I didn’t want it to bring you down. But then you told me the truth about something you did. And I was done.

And you were elsewhere, and gone. I thought about you. Since coming back home I am flying off the rails a bit. I found myself in some bad situations. Like I do. But then I cried on the bathroom floor in a pink robe in a crack house for you like a baby. Like I was never not yours.

You were on your way for me. They were screaming in the other room. I did things I’ve always wanted to do. But it just wasn’t enough. There was no emotional capacity. And it wasn’t about me. I wanted you.

I sat there in a room of people who chase the dragon on the regular, have seen the dragons eyes and felt the fire but yet still carry those burns. As they kindle and spread over you slowly. You can’t put the fire out. It burns all the time. But you don’t put that shit down. And we know each other already if you know what I mean, because if you do, we are the same. They were the same as me. Same as my home. We spoke the same language. Felt the same pain.

It wasn’t about them, I kept saying. Anyone else would’ve looked at them as dangerous people. I know it was a dangerous situation by rights. But I could feel that I would make it out. There was a woman who I especially clicked with. She felt my energy bouncing off of everything. She held me even during this pandemic, she reminded me that if nothing else I have a roof over my head. We knew that we knew each other.

She broke down because she felt that he wanted me more then her. He told me he was really his twin, that the guy I met yesterday wasn’t really him. I played along. I told him that the girl he met yesterday was bipolar and had a drinking problem. As he could recall her throwing up on the bathroom floor, but remembering to take her bipolar medication at the end of the night. Some sanity left. But still a crazy bitch.

I couldn’t bear the thought of walking down there alone. Joe said he would walk me down. He said he sold cocaine to Stephen Tyler for four months twice a week. We talked as they fought in the other room. Crying in that living room with strangers.

And then you were there. I couldn’t help it I didn’t walk to you I almost ran. First instinct was to throw my arms around you and take you in. We were out there in the most dangerous part of town, finding this again, lost. That moment was something I got lost in.

He brought his gun just in case. He apologized and I forgave him. He asked me if it was true that I told her that I wanted her more than him. I did. I certainly did.

We spent six hours together. It was realizing just how much this was. You just wanted to hold me. I realized how good it felt to have you there.

You told me you thought about me everyday. You remembered that my birthday was last Thursday. You told me that you dream about me. Told me that you wondered if you were ever going to see me again.

And then there we were again. Here I am again. Where will I be? Where will we be?

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