Alone in pain

Alone and suffering
I don’t know what to do
The pain constantly drives me up the wall
The meds wore off a long time ago
Now I am in pain
Miserable because I am in pain
At times the pain makes me feel like ending it all
Just to make it stop
End it all
But I know I have a lot to live for
I have a lot to be grateful for
Yet my mind can’t seem to look past the pain
My mind can’t seem to look past the present, past now
The pain overshadows my joy
It overshadows my peace
Alone I go through this
Alone where I am
Far from those I love
They know of my pain but they can’t help me
Far from me
Alone in my pain

are you still there?


i want to be as authentic as possible with this message and not sugar coat anything, because i think everyone deserves complete honesty. it helps us grow.

anyway, i need you to know, in case you’re wondering whether or not it had an effect on me… it did. it actually hurt worse the second time because i knew it had to be my fault. i thought i might not have been pretty enough, or interesting enough, or that i came across as annoying for typing too much sometimes – but i couldn’t help it. talking with you seemed effortless, and i thought it would have been the same in person. i don’t know if boys just have a different mindset and don’t think about things as much, so it isn’t as hurtful to them, but i know that for me – or, most girls – talking with somebody who you’ve grown to really like feels like spring. i loved finding out little parts of you and was so excited to discover more, like i’d found a new book i couldn’t put down or something. i don’t think i’ve ever had that with a person, so our brief encounters meant so much to me. i know relationships are scary. i think that you might still be scared, but you were trying to force yourself not to be and a facade can only last so long, so to an extent, i understand another disappearance. but man i wish you had have just expressed this to me, because then i could have told you i never HAD any expectations. like i said (almost) a year ago, i’d be delighted just to say i know you – to call you one of my friends. i’d love to give you advice and discuss the latest songs from artist’s we’re into. make a fool out of myself if you ever tried to teach me to ride a skateboard. binge films with you. as friends or otherwise, it wouldn’t have mattered to me. i think you’re really cool, and i’m so sorry if i gave any sort of impression that i needed something deeper from you. i hate the thought of making anybody feel pressured. i just wanted it to be easy. carefree. to go with the flow and see what happens. there shouldn’t be any requirements when it comes to dating. i’ve always thought we should learn to mimic the ocean and let the earth decide where we go, rather than forcing it to happen ourselves. that probably didn’t make a lot of sense and i’m rambling now, but i hope you know that i’ll always consider you one of a kind.

i hope we can talk again one day 🙂

ps. thank you for being the one to make me discover american pleasure club. they’re one of my favourites now.

– h

I am worried about you

Can’t really put my fingers on it
Just keep having this feeling
On and off for quite a while

Very strong the past week or so

I just wish you would let me know
that you’re OK
that it’s just my imagination

I miss you
I miss Us

Just putting it out into this void
I am here for you
No matter what
when I said always
I meant it

That’s what love is
I did
I do
I always will