Month: April 2020

The missing connecting dots

I love him
I know he loves me too
I know we have some kind of deep connection
Something that connects us on a much deeper level than we can ever imagine
I see it
I feel it
And I know he feels it too
But I don’t understand why he can’t see everything for what it is and that it’s not just his imagination
How often do we get to meet our divine right life partners?
How often do we get to meet another person and know for sure that you are connected and are also there in each other’s lives to love and heal each other?
Why do we constantly sacrifice what is right for what is wrong?
How many times do we have to cheat ourselves out of the blessed good that God has blessed us with?
I guess the most bothersome question I ask myself is, when is he going to wake up to this connection?
How long should I wait?
It’s one thing to move on but it’s also one thing to convince your inner psyche and heart to do that
I love him
And I know he loves me too
He knows there is something missing
But I do believe if he had to let himself see and admit to his true feelings, he would know what the missing dots are
The dots that he is busy trying to connect
The missings dots are us

Fallen In Love with Falling Apart

Dear FA,

You’re my best friend. You know me so well and have been there for me through life’s darkest moments. There has been nothing that I could keep from you; you know my inner-most thoughts and my deepest secrets. You don’t judge me, FA, and I can’t tell you how much I value that in today’s world. There is no stigma or stereotypes in your view of me. Everyone else is full of judgment and hate, but you accept me for who I am.

You know the pain and the heartache I’ve endured, and you comfort me. You wrap me in your arms, and I can smell the soothing scent of your hair — feel the warmth of your skin pressed against mine as you reassure me that I am not losing my mind. This is what normal feels like, and I’ve never known any different. We grew up together, way back before we even knew about things like depression and anxiety. Before we knew just how messed up we were and how much more messed up everything else was.

Then, as we got older, I grew insecure. People didn’t like seeing us together, and I couldn’t handle it. I tried to hide you, make excuses. I pushed you away, tried to shrug you off and pretend you weren’t there so maybe everyone else could see me as normal. Most of all, I tried to fool myself into believing I was normal, as the world defines it. Maybe I could survive this world after all. But you never left me. You never gave up on our relationship and you followed me all the way out here. I’m sorry for shunning you, FA. For putting the opinion of others above my opinion of you. I’ve let you back in, still in secret, like a crush hiding in the closet from my parents after sneaking in my bedroom. Partly it’s exhiliarating: the thrill of nearly getting caught, and yet at the same time I am a little sad that people won’t know the real you. They can’t, or they’d cast us both out in a heartbeat.

But the truth is, I have started falling for you, FA. You give me butterflies every time you look into my eyes. Your voice calms my anxiety. Not because you try to boost my negative self-image, but because you don’t. You don’t lie to me or tell me what you think I want or need to hear. You don’t tell me that I have value or that I’m important. You don’t tell me about the inner strength that I don’t actually have or how everything will be alright like some kind of psychic. You tell me that you love me just the way I am, and that is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. You don’t ask me to change or have any expectations from me. You just let me be who I am.

And you know what? I love you too, FA. With my whole heart, I love you. In a world that has filled me with numbness and driven out my emotions, you have taught me how to feel again. It doesn’t matter what those feelings are defined as because at least they are real, unlike the rest of society. The world is saturated with artificial emotions, constantly trying to pull on the heart strings like a puppeteer to control the masses, but I cannot be controlled because I’ve shut out all of those feelings. All that matters now is what you make me feel, and I revel in it. You let me cry into your shoulder and you embrace me like a thick blanket on a cold winter’s night. You know I am broken and you don’t try to fix me. You just let me be, and I love you for it.

Thank you, FA, for all you do. You forever have my heart.

Yours truly,
FIL

Depressed

I am so done with this quarantine.

I have no doubt that it has saved lives and greatly flattened the curve, at least where I am at, but it is driving me insane.

I feel stifled, suffocated and worthless. I know my worth is inherent, blah, blah, blah…. But when you cannot do the things you love to do, when you cannot express yourself the way you long to express yourself… When you trapped inside a home, a cage of your own making, with nothing but a toddler and husband for company…. You start to go insane.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and my son- more than anything- which is why I continue to abide by these goddamn rules that are squashing my individuality and killing my soul.

You see, my responsibilities did not stop just because a virus decided to announce itself… And yes, I am stating that it is a virus that is ending our lives as we know it, not human beings or political leanings (although some leaders are more effective than others). The virus is NOT going away- and the world does NOT stop simply because there is a pandemic.

I am dealing with tragedies everyday. I am burdened with human suffering of those around me, with no where to escape. I cannot outrun my responsibilities. I am sick of paying the price for the rich to sit in their goddamn palaces and tell us all to stay inside. I have bills to pay. I need freedom to be able to pay them. Yes, some will die, but that is inevitable. And unless we decide to tax the goddamn billionaires who are profiting off of this plague and create universal income, alleviate debt and institute free health care- we have little choice in dealing with the ultimate outcome of this plague- death.

I sound so pessimistic, but I am also a realist. The only way out of this virus is going through it…

As for the tracking and testing- great, that gives us data, but it is a false solution becaue we live in a capatilist society that will go bankrupt if we close down the cities each time their is a spike in cases- and don’t fool yourselves. it will happen over and over again, until we reach herd immunity or a vaccine is developed. Herd immunity WILL happen first.

So fuck it all. Open it back up. And let people make their own choices to stay inside or face death by venturing out. Freedom of will. That is all I want.

Thinking, wishing, missing

I think of you EVERY single day
I don’t love you anymore
But I miss you, I miss us.
How stupid and fun we were together.
The random things we’d do.
The HOURS we’d talk for and never get tired of each other.
Life is so different now, it’s been 2.5yrs since we’ve said a word to each other..
I wonder if one day when we’re old and alone, if we’ll find each other again

Another sleepless night

I spend my days carefully planning when to reach out to you next, wondering how to keep our flame slowly burning until I can finally see you again. I hope you haven’t found someone else.

I spend my nights dreaming of our reunion and wondering what lies ahead. I can’t sleep thinking about you and how it will feel to see you, touch you, hear you again. For me, there is no one else.