i wish we could talk about it

dear g
I never really knew why we suddenly became so distant, it was probably to do with j. It really pains me that you let a boy get between us so suddenly, especially when you didn’t even talk to me about it. It was even worse when he was the one to message me about you two going out.
But I understand that it takes two people to make a friendship and two people to break one apart so I am sorry for not trying enough with you. I know I said I was fine with you two and I was at first. I don’t know whether it was because I though you guys wouldn’t last or because I didn’t realise my own feelings but now I keep on seeing you two, happy together so many months on so and I can’t help but feel sad. Don’t get me wrong I am happy for you two, it’s hard not to be, but I can’t help but feel a little jealous.
What’s more is that I have lost two friends. Before the possiblity of anything happening between me and j we were friends. I miss talking to him.
And there’s you, once I would have called you my best friend but now I feel almost kicked out of your life. Almost as if we didn’t belong in the same category as you anymore, you were too ‘cool’ for me.
I’m sorry that I can’t talk to you about this but I can’t help but feel so different from you. I really do wish you all the best in your future and whatever is to come, I know you will impact people in a brillant way.
love, z

You Just Felt Sorry

You came over yesterday. Saying you really wanted to see me because you missed me. I can’t help but think you’re doing it just because you left me hanging for 2 hrs the night before. You knew it bothered me. You were being extra attentive…I appreciate your efforts, really… But I cannot force you to really put me first.

I still love you… and will always put you first. I will also wait, hoping one day, I can be your number one.

You are the light that never goes out – I want to hold your hand

The truth is I was looking for something clever to write …
(just not very good at putting my thoughts out in the open)
The truth is I never stopped caring
(You are the fist and last on my mind)
The truth is I would still do anything to make you smile
(you could make me sing, dance, just about do anything)
The truth is –
I miss you!

I see love

Everywhere I see love
I sense it
I feel it
I recognise it
I see it in the light
I see it in the dark
And my heart aches
It aches at the want of it
Maybe I was loved too much as a child that all the love that my parents gave me took love from other facets of my life
My parents loved me and my siblings
I saw love between them
I see love between us
I see sacrifice of love
Everywhere I see love
I see love in the most precious moments that people share with each other
I see love in art
I see feel love in music
And my heart stops
It stops at the sight of love
It stops at sight of love between lovers
It stops at the sight of love between husband and wife
It stops at the sight of love between parent and child
It stops at the sight of love, compassion and an act of kindness shown by a stranger to another
It stops at the sight of an ocean, a beautiful sunset, mountains, the blue sky, the stars, the moon, trees and more
It stops at the sight of a magnificent art piece
It stops upon hearing music
For how magnificent is the being that created love and all these things
For this being must be born of love
It is LOVE
For me time stands wherever I see love
My heart stops
My eyes capture the moment
My mind stores it forever as a snipet of a movie that replays over and over again in my mind
To never be forgotten
To always be treasured even if it is not my memory to treasure
But I hold it in my minds eye
It reminds of the love I know exists within this world
It reminds that maybe just maybe there might still be hope for me
Everywhere there is love

Numb to love

That is how I feel
Numb to love
Scared of love
Insecure in my want for love
Insecure in my want for wanting someone to love me
Insecure of my flaws
Insecure in my own insecurities
Is there truly someone out there who would have me for their own?
Someone to love me for my flaws and the person within
Not just tell me they think I am beautiful and think that is something every woman wants to hear the first time they meet a guy
Not just tell me they think they love me without having gone through the effort to really get to know me first
How do you know you love me?
How do you know I am beautiful?
Isn’t my worth, worth an effort from you?
Do you take pleasure in trying to stroke my ego?
For my ego takes no pleasure in such things?
The simplest form or act of love that a man could ever give me, is for his spirit to touch mine with such divine providence so as to act like a healing balm to my spirit
I yearn for love
I want to love
I know I can give love
For I have a lot of love to give
I want to be loved back with as much intensity as I do when I do
Yet I cannot help but feel numb to love
I cannot help but feel helpless for love
Isn’t my worth, worth an effort from you?