We weren’t supposed to meet. I wasn’t supposed to live past 37. I fell all the way in love and I waited. Through D, Carter, Randy, the repo man you felt the need to come tell me about, random internet strangers in the Yahoo chat days,
Living in the tunnel, sign spinning for Slayer tickets, my daily prayer was answered. You called and said you couldn’t stand the thought of me living outside in the winter and I was truly overjoyed. Then it was gone.
You’re what I think about when I’m not thinking about anything. Ozzy c.1986 levels of drugs and booze couldn’t cure that. I wasn’t actively suicidal but I wasn’t taking vitamins either. I think you are skeptical about me sitting by the tracks in Montgomery and letting a coin toss decide my fate. Heads I go back and try to get you, go to school, settle down, Tails I hop the Southbound KCS rail to LA and meet up with Jeremy. Get busy living or get busy dying. 100% true.
I didn’t give up hope but when you and Becky were getting all dolled up, I had no clue you were doing it for me. 6 years I waited. You’re my best friend. You get me. I can tell you anything and did. You did the same. You ‘got’ me. This sewer planet and the shit that inhabits it have done nothing but ignore me unless they need someone to abuse but you let me look away from that and move to your side of life. I kept on the sunny side and laughed at the absurdity of the evil in people’s soul and though you never saw that side of life, you dug my gallows humor. I don’t like my tattoos and you said they fit. They are perfectly imperfect.
When I said I wanted the wedding date to be 4/29 because it’s Hitler and Eva’s date, you knew it wasn’t racism or Nazi worship, it’s that they died together on 4/30. That the definition of evil was capable of love and they kept their ’til death us do part’ vow literally. He was worried about her immortal soul as the world collapsed and gave her the painless way out and it wasn’t a suicide. That there is someone for everyone.
You said were were soulmates. We would always be best friends. It’s you and me against the world. You’d never let me under a bridge again. 16 years of friends, 9 years together, 8 married, I forgave you everything. You fucked a friend that I knew when he was 12. I never raised my voice to you. I never brought it up again. I forgave you. 34 days in jail, you never wrote. I waited. I went to help Scott hang insulation and you kicked me out via a text message. I couldn’t get a ride home and you won’t come get me and last time i walked 28 miles to see you I got a stress fracture in my foot and i couldn’t walk it again. I didn’t know when i left the house that day was the last time i’d see you or my dog. It had been a month since we had a disagreement, let alone a fight.
When Mom died, nobody was there. You said you’d be there. I was alone for 4 days and nobody came. I waited.
Except for the 3 beers a day you brought, I quit drugs. I lost contact with 5 of 6 friends. You said “It’s me or Scott” so no matter what it’s my fault.
So I sat under the bridge in the snow after you made me a liar to God when I signed the papers. I left the utilities on again so you could finish your online classes. I didn’t take a dime out of the bank, I left the car so you didn’t lose your job. Again. I had no car, no job, no place to live and though you said you would, you didn’t pay the electric so even if I did get together 1500 to get in an apartment, I’d have to pay off the old bill. I don’t know what I did to you to make you think I deserve this and you won’t tell me.
So you went back to Jeremy and are doing everything we said we’d do. The one that said he’d take you back but had to have another kid then has you mowing at 8 months, his dad was staring at your tits when you were 15, has called you nothing but a drunken whore to everybody in town.
Today is 4/30. Meth, vodka, and weed can’t drown your memory. It’s been 1,095 days and you are what I think about when I think about nothing and nothing is all I think about. I never called myself homeless because I never had a home until you and I am still waiting for you call and say Just come on home