What went wrong?

Ok I admit telling you I like you was stupid, but let me be honest why I did.
And before that, understand friends but as we were is what I seek.
Sure what I feel means I would love more but that has no impact here because I know without doubt, you either do not, cannot or will not.
But we were not just work colleagues.
If I met someone, asked to see their bikini pics, they would say no.
If I am on the way home, then as they drive past -random colleague- they don’t flash me with their lights.
No work pal, shares sexual fantasies. Some said that I spent too much time around you, maybe true, yet deliberately I tried not to, however a fact is, you would come say you were going home, not me, I never once did.
You as often as I, would come to see if I were taking break.
Not one other co-worker would have let me stroke their hair, play with their ears, etc.
Not many, though a couple would tell me past trauma, or about therapy.
So I admit I was over the top, but things changed long before then.
Around the time when you went off work maybe?
Before then it was 100% perfect. If my keeping in touch was the issue, well I can’t take back what I said then, none was rude, suggestive or requesting “more” than what we were.

So things seemed to be good after the clearing of the air, yet not really.
Now it is like we know each other to say hi to.
I already said, I know how we were, and believed we were closer than everyone else, you said yes to that.
So that camaraderie is what I wanted, but it is clear that has gone.
This is not for you as such, if it were I would talk direct, it is more for me to get my head straight, can I figure it out?
Truth is, no. The way we were, I, indeed anyone would have expected a message once at least between me being ill, and now, how are you, hope things went well. But if I don’t say something first-nothing-and sometimes if I do.
That is what I can’t get my head round.
Are you scared that you do care and don’t want to?
Is it our polarised opinions on the thing that’s most important to you, I am not as far away as you think on that topic, just not yet ready to accept it how you do.
Is it that you feel nothing now and worry any nice gesture will encourage me?
The truth is I thought we had a bond of friendship and to me that mattered, I wanted it back, and as good as it was, yeah in part because I felt I meant more than others did, and I liked that.
But it did not make me think I had a chance. I know why we cannot be.
I said I get it and I do.
But the way it is, is the way it is.
What now then? For me, I like you -that I mean aside from any deeper feeling-as a person, I loved being around

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