I’ve been thinking about you lately. Its hard not to when I keep having these dreams. Last night we were both graduating at the same time, me from high school, you from junior college. You didn’t even go to juco as far as I know, so doubt it means anything. Except you’re still occupying part of my brain. But yeah, I was thinking about you. And trying to put myself in your shoes, to the extent I’m aware what your road has looked like. I don’t know much, but enough to know we’ve had very different lives. And that’s enough to know that a lot of my judgment has been unfair. How can I be upset at the things you say and do, if, at best, I can put together a feeble guess as to the ‘why’?
Now about me. With everything said before, I still do feel like some of my anger is justified. Its occurred to me the reason my romantic relationships have so rarely worked out is because I have always needed a friend more than a lover. Not just a friend, a best friend. Someone I can share everything with, bounce ideas off of, celebrate happy moments with, vent to when I’m frustrated, someone who has my back when I feel threatened, and that I can reciprocate for when they feel under siege. I’ve had lovers before, but I’ve never had that. Not even close. And so, I think the base root of a lot of my anger is that I don’t think you’ve ever understood that this is what I wanted from you more than anything, what I needed from you, and if you did understand I never felt like you tried to fill the part. That’s enough about me.
We had a connection once. I can’t ever forget, no matter how hard I try, the way you used to make me feel. Like wherever we were didn’t matter because we were the only two people in the room. Someone nearby would try to intrude on our bubble, say something probably stupid, and you’d flash a little smile out the corner of your mouth that only I could see, and so, that moment was ours and no one elses. So often, nothing even needed to be said, I would just look at you in your eyes, and know that we were on the same page, and know that you knew that too. I felt so special being in your presence, just talking to you. We hugged a few times, and those hugs were the best hugs I’ve ever had that didn’t come from a baby (sorry, but babies give the best hugs!). Its no exaggeration to say that, for better or worse, very few people have made as much of an impact on my life as you, A.
There’s so much negativity in my life, and I’m stuggling to cope, but I don’t want you to be a part of that. I’d rather think about you through the prism of our happy times, and the way I used to feel so important to you. Because you were, and are, important to me too. You don’t want to be with me, you don’t even want to be friends, it hurts, but its ok. Maybe I’ll make peace with that fully someday, but even if I don’t, that’s not your fault or problem. What I want to leave you with is that I am here for you, however you need me, always available for a chat if you’re sad or angry or happy or anything in between. I would never betray your trust. You deserve to be happy.