Day: March 12, 2021

Char….. You hurt me a lot, what did I do to deserve it?

Ok I know after saying I like you that could be it, but it is not. I did think saying things too nice was, but can that be it?
I have thought objectively and really gone over it all.
Now facts matter here. Ok I said you are a blessing to me and I am really glad I got to know you.
I said you are a wonderful person. I also made some jokes about marriage, too many, well about 5 in total. But one is too many if you don’t like it.
But then again, when I made my work wife proposal, it was accidental in that I didn’t intend to make the proposal and then when you stuck out your hand, I played along. I know me saying beforehand you could be work wife was me initially saying it, but you said you were cool with that.
Other than that, well, let us be blunt. You always came over to say goodbye, I never ever did because I knew you were coming over.
You always came to share a break with 0 reluctance or refusal, not one time.
When at one site, you would opt to work with me, offering to help me as opposed to others.
You would never ever just say “Hi” or “Alright” you would have stuff to talk about.
NEVER would you NOT say bye, you would say it directly or wait a few minutes for me to finish.
Now, there is 0 chance even with the different role, it is irrelevant, you’d clear out now in order to not say bye.
Remember when we were good, drive home and you in front, hazards on to flash bye, not me, you!
Remember telling me what things happened to you?
Remember the pics i asked to see, you showed?
Remember me rubbing your ears?
Remember me stroking your hair?
Remember the hugs?
Remember that I have NEVER asked for intimate things to happen, but you have revealed intimate desires.
You have been flirty-remember talking about masturbation and I joked you’d think of me that night, next day I said “So, did you” and you said “Haaa well that would be telling wouldn’t it”
Remember that I-3 messages-stayed in touch with some nice greetings and a few vids and jokes and concern, when you had covid?
Ok maybe all too much. But the thing that gets me is nothing you ever did did I take as a come on, the differences meant we cannot be, like you said. What I did take it as though is, a clear you like me, we are closer than others. And, I did say this to you and you said yes we were closer than others.
Much of my being near you was not coming to find you, it was by necessity of the job and where you were.
And there is more, but it doesn’t need saying. If you were to be objective, yes I was a little over the top with how much I liked you and said so-ie said how nice you are, and happy you made me.
But never ever pretend you never liked me, without extra details, of every chat, either you are a liar, a manipulative user when you had no one else to talk to. Or, you genuinely were who you seemed to be and genuinely liked me as much as it seemed.
Now when we had a chat, I said, I want to be just that-What we were, right now, if I touched you, you would freak, before you used to say you trust me, feel comfortable with me, well heck I touch your hand today and you freaked out.
I come in I get “Alright” if I am lucky. You finish, “Bye guys” and then dash for the exit.
You NEVER come to where I am to chat now, I could be alone or in a room, whatever, you just will not initiate a chat now, beforehand you used to actually come sit near me, come to where I was specifically to talk with me.
And that is what I really don’t get. If you kissed me on the cheek, hugged me, talk to me, do me a favour, ask for one, I won’t assume you want sex or marriage, I KNOW the situation.
What I would assume is, we are back to normal.
But no. If I had just started work today, I would get a warmer reception from you than I actually am.
Why?
What the hell did I do so evil to you?
I have stayed well away, but not so far it could be claimed I am avoiding you, just not looking, not hovering too often in your vicinity, not trying to butt in on a conversation, I don’t know now how to act, I am on eggshells if I am forced to be near you, I look away, I stay away.
But I do greet you, I do say bye, I do talk when it is appropriate-IE we are literally right next to each other in the car park, there is a work thing to discuss etc.
I am really really hurt though at how I am now treated compared to others. You laugh, go up to them to talk, rush to say how great others are, invite others to play games, ask others to go to get something to eat. Someone asked you to do me a favour you EASILY could have, wow did you look like you got hit with a bus! I could see how uncomfortable you were with the idea, thank fuck I wasn’t going into cardiac arrest, you’d have left me to die and said you did not know cpr.
Well I asked them not to ask ever again, it is clear you now despise me for whatever I did, I apologise again, I was never rude, never disrespectful, a little too happy being around a person I like, my punishment for being open and honest is that friendship got nuked.
Am only writing this because I am sad and angry at the same time.
Angry with myself because I wish I never said a thing, angry at you because I don’t believe I deserved to be virtually ignored or acknowledged like I am-As if I am the guy at the bus stop you say hi to to be polite.
Sad because I care about you, I loved working with you because we had such a laugh, were so easy to talk to, share things with. Because you seemed so open and honest and genuine
And now I am shut away like I am some dirt, some nothing, it is really painful to me.
I am not asking to be bf/gf or to be around you all the time, I had hoped to be someone you liked, enough to occasionally ask me how I am and mean it, or the occasional text once a year, or to answer me if I did. Or come talk to me once in a while, everyone else manages it so it isn’t like you can’t.
But it is your call. I have to deal with it, you don’t want friendship, fine. I respect it no matter how much it pains me, so I won’t push for it, I will have to just apologise for whatever I did to alienate you so much. And thanks for being the apparent great friend I enjoyed being around when things were how they were. I miss you. Wish we could have had just that again, but thank you for while it was anyway it meant a lot to me

When you know, you know

When my heart shuts down
I don’t speak
Cause behind the muffled beating
I am weak
The earth is ripped with cracks
Beneath my feet
One word more they become crater’s
One word more they become crater’s

Oh the wind in my hair
It sings my song
To be a wanderer and to go home
Oh the wind in my hair
It sings my song
To be a wanderer
To be a wanderer and to go home

For a million years
Tears were shed
Memories were layered softly bed by bed
Once the last dam broke
The rivers bled
Making way to new beginnings
Making way to new beginnings

Oh the wind in my hair
It sings my song (sings my song, sings my song)
To be a wanderer and to go home
Oh the wind in my hair
It sings my song (sings my song, sings my song)
To be a wanderer
To be a wanderer and to go home

Oh the wind in my hair
It sings my song (sings my song, sings my song)
To be a wanderer and to go home
Oh the wind in my hair
It sings my song (sings my song, sings my song)
To be a wanderer
To be a wanderer and to go home

To be a wanderer
(sings my song, sings my song)
To be a wanderer
To be a wanderer and to go home

Dear Ruby

Dear Ruby,

I’d like to start off by saying that I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Mental health is no joke and I know it can get rough, extremely rough. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, no one should have to experience half the things you have. I sincerely hope one day you do find the peace and happiness you so deserve.

This being said I have some things I’d like to get off my chest. What you did to me was cruel. And while I have some understanding of why you did it due to what you’re dealing with that’s no excuse to hurt people.

When we started talking again I was cautious I really liked you from when we talked 4 years ago and when we stopped then that hurt too. But you eased my worries. You told me you felt terrible about what happened last time. That you never stopped liking me. And to really send it home you promised you wouldn’t do that again. That you wouldn’t hurt me again.

I had no reason to not trust you. A promise is a promise and until someone loses my trust I’ll give it to them completely.

So we start hanging out again. And then we do more than just hanging out. We go to Flagstaff, we spend Halloween together, you introduce me to your friends and I introduce you to mine. And while I have a panic attack that one night you were so understanding about it. You weren’t angry, you didn’t hold it against me. You were just caring and gave me time.

It was like we never missed a beat from 4 years ago. We were Han Solo and Leia, Jim and Pam, but most of all we were Wubby and Cas. You came back into my life when I needed you most. You made my birthday so special, gave me one of the best Christmases I’ve ever had. And when I visited my family for two weeks it was the longest two weeks of my life. All I could do was think about you and how much I missed you, I’ve never missed someone so much in my life.

And the love making and sex we had, I’ve never experienced anything quite like it. The kissing and moaning and going multiple times through the night. Watching your leg squirm as you came when I’d fuck you on the edge of the bed. But best of all was the cuddling after. Stroking your hair, rubbing your body and having you fall asleep in my arms.

And then the day I get back from Florida I come over to your place and in the midst of making love you tell me you’re falling in love with me and at first I was shocked but I was falling for you right back and you pulled me closer into you and gave me a kiss I’ll never forget.

Again things seemed so great after that. I’d bring you flowers and you’d always love them. Our late night shenanigans to iHop for coffee at 4am. We went sledding and had a wonderful time despite getting my sled stolen. And you fell asleep in my lap on the way home while I stroked your hair. When you got drunk playing Minecraft and called me your hero for saving you. There’s so many good memories I have of us.

We had a great Valentine’s Weekend. You seemed to love all gifts I got you and let me keep one of your spooky socks. We went and saw Lord of the Rings in theaters! And cried the whole time together. We saw the magician again at Chili’s and enjoyed frozen margaritas together.

You made me feel so wanted and loved. You always told me how big and wrinkley my brain was, how handsome you thought I was, how happy I made you. I loved everything about you and you showed me your insecurities and I loved those too. We made so many good memories together in such a short span of time.

It seems that was our last good weekend though. After that it was like your feelings for me had completely changed. I understand you wanted more time alone and to spend time with your family. You were and still are dealing with a lot. But it was like you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

It was agony. All I wanted to do was talk to my favorite person in the world but you didn’t want it back. I’d see memes I’d want to send you but never felt you’d want to see them. Or songs I’d hear that I’d want to share but you no longer wanted to hear them.

And then finally you tell me what’s going on. I knew it was coming, I could see the writings on the wall and I was waiting for the inevitable. You didn’t want a relationship right now. You need time and space to focus on yourself and get through what you need to get through.

It was like the last 5 months were all for nothing. You promised you wouldn’t hurt me like this again but you did exactly that. I would have supported you through it all Ruby, whatever it is you needed I would have been there to give it to you. You don’t have to go through all this alone. And I would have loved you to the very end.

I’ve felt so lost since you left. I can’t even talk to the person I love most anymore much less see them. You couldn’t even give me the chance to give you your last Valentine’s gift or say goodbye in person. I can’t sleep anymore. I can’t eat. I’ve been questioning everything ever since. Did you ever love me? What did I do wrong? Did you meet someone else? Was I not handsome enough or did I not make enough money? Were you embarrassed to be around me?

I still think about you every day. I can’t get you out of my head. All the good times we had, late night discord calls and snuggled up weekends together. But thinking about it now doesn’t bring me happiness anymore it’s just pain. It just makes me tear up.

I still love you, maybe I always will. A part of me will always be your Cas. And I think what hurts the most is not knowing if you feel the same. Did it hurt at all when you had to leave? Why wouldn’t you let me say goodbye? Do you still love me? Did you ever truly love me? Do you miss me at all? I feel like I have no closure. I trusted you and loved you so much and it led me right back where I was 4 years ago only worse this time.

I’m not saying saying all this to hurt you. This has all just been eating away at me inside and I needed to let it out. This will probably be my last goodbye. Who knows maybe we can try again in another 4 years. I hope you feel better and achieve all your goals in life. Goodbye Ruby.

Love,
Casey