I wish I could tell you how I really feel. I would tell you that I wish we could end things after 11.5 years. I wish I could tell you that I don’t really miss you right now. I wish I could tell you about being in love with someone else but that person has a whole other life. You don’t even know that I reconnected with that person in 2014 and I have been hooked ever since. Had he not chosen the life he has now and had asked me to pick him. I would have honestly.
I want to have children and I really want to get married. I feel it in my spirit and I know that it’s for me. I can feel it heavily.
I stopped being in love with you since February 2014, after you made no effort in planning Valentine’s Day. You had the money to do something but you refused. A few months had passed and there was a total disconnect. You cheated on my in the past but I think you cheated on me again in 2014, with the girl who’s picture I found saved in your email. You swore up and down that you didn’t know her. So why would you have her photos sync to your email? Dummy. Then you would always put me down. I wore a dress one day and you said something horrific. You made me feel so ugly. The next time, we went away for the weekend of July 4th that year and I wore what I thought was a sexy lingerie. You said you didn’t like it and that I was fat. I even caught you staring at some women that day I had to purchase a TV.
That summer I disconnected. Hung out with my friends and reconnected with him. That lasted 6 months bc he chose to be with someone who is now his wife. For the next 6 years, I have tried to make things work bc I felt our relationship could’ve benefited from the time focused on us. Unfortunately, nothing has changed and things are still the same.
I can’t believe I’ve managed to deal with this. I only have myself to blame for the toxicity in this relationship. Why you ask? Let’s run down the list:
-when we first started dating, you accused me of looking at guys. I never did
-you cheated on me early on in our relationship
-you lost all respect for me and continue to talk to me the way you want
-you don’t know how to treat me
-you don’t take me out
-you always complain about finances
-you’re always broke
-you don’t try to level up or make the necessary changes
-I take on the financial stability, I’m tired – you noticed we haven’t done anything, bc I’m tired motherfucker
I could say more but I know all is this and stayed. Why? Bc a part of me thought this was better than being alone. I always wonder what life would have been like had we broke up after you cheated on me.
After this pandemic is over. I hope we can have an honest face to face and call it quits. My stupid ass enabled all the bullshit and no more.