Month: April 2020

I miss you

I don’t think I could ever re-establish contact with you, but I miss you, God do I miss you.
I miss your laugh, and your smile, and that look you got on your face when you were concerned about me. I miss the face you made when you made a dumb joke or were trying to cheer me up.

I’m so sorry I fucked everything up between us. I’m sorry I had to end our friendship and I’m sorry I had to walk away.

I hope you’re happy in your life, I hope your work is fulfilling, I hope your family is loving. I hope you live long and love and are loved.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you. And I don’t think anything will ever fill the you shaped hole in my heart.

I wish I could, though, because until i do I’ll never stop hurting. And the worst pain is knowing you never cared as much as I did.

My life’s story

How will anyone understand the torment that I have in my heart. If you want to hear about my condition, then listen to my words.

I’m looking for that reality which shines even in extreme dark conditions. Since I first gazed upon you, I haven’t looked at the world. Since I have loved you, I haven’t thought about myself. In meeting you this is life and losing you is death … and there is nothing to my story other than this.

A(M)

One More Day

Can I have one more day with you?
Just so I could wake up in your arms again
One morning to wake up to your kiss
One morning just to stare at your face

Can I have one more day with you?
Just so I could hold your hand
One more road to cross while I’m scared
One more time for you to grip my hand tighter

Can I have one more day with you?
Just so I could see you study again
One more time to admire how well you do
One more time to cheer you on for your dreams

Can I have one more day with you?
Just so I could say “let’s go to bed”
One more time for you to laugh
One more time for you to give in to my requests

Can I have one more day with you?
Just so I’d realize I wouldn’t want it to end
One more time I’d say I love you
One more time to hear you love me too

Can I have one more day with you?
Just so I could experience it over again
One more day to be with you
One more day to be in love with you

Can I have one more day with you?
Just so I could make it up to you
One more day to make it last
One more day closer to being together, forever

The Lie of Life

A,

I’m here again, amidst the agony and pain. My life is a lie — all of it. You were the one that kept me grounded in reality. You made my thoughts tangible so that I could manipulate them with my hands, allowing me to form them into something discernible and understandable.

I sacrificed my heart for security and have been left with neither. The rest of my life has been built upon this lie using the salvaged remnants of my character and integrity, leaving me with only an aberration of who you had helped me to be.

The loneliest feeling in the world is being surrounded by those who just couldn’t really care less. Life is a competition with everyone striving to come out on top in their own little world. As twisted as it sounds for me to say it, I thought I was making an even trade. I know, it doesn’t justify my actions in the least, but in my moment of transparent weakness, I panicked and made a choice I felt obligated to, and I chose oh so wrong… Now, instead of having one person who actually gives a damn, I’m just damned…

I’m seriously messed up, A. My mental health has been in a tailspin these last few years, and the ground appears closer than ever. And nobody sees it. I can’t let them. I can’t let them in. I’ve gotten so good at fabricating a facade that even I can’t tell what is real or not anymore, if anything is. I miss you and all the healing conversations we’ve had, whether they were serious, deep, spiritual, or just silly. We were one and the same…. Now we’re anything but…

I do continue to wish you the best, especially in this most difficult time, given your profession. I think of you daily and would be praying for you if I could even remember how. Who knows? Maybe I’ll figure it out again, but I’m not holding my breath.

Sincerely,
E

I just want you to save me

I feel like a flower wilting away
Slowly dieng
Petals slowly falling off, one by one by one
I know that there is a lot at stake
I know there are a lot of sacrifices that need to be made
Especially for you
I know you may be stuck in your own mind
I know you don’t want any part of hurt
I know you don’t want to lose face
But can you just focus on me
Truly focus on me
See in and through me
The soul that makes your soul whole
The soul that makes your soul heal
Don’t we deserve that
Looking at you hurts
Even far I see in and through you
I feel your vulnerability peek out at times
You may not think anyones sees
But I see
And even as I see, it hurts
It hurts to see you hurt, incomplete
All I want is you
All I want is to love you
I am not like the other women
I am not into games that people play
I think I have been patient enough waiting for you
I just want you to save me
I need to feel complete because I finally found a missing piece of my soul in you
Can we please at least try
I want to fall like the leaves in Fall season
Fall with you and never get back up
I want to love you with all my being
Without any walls
Without any boundaries

From the one your soul aches for too

You accept the love….

I hate you.
I hate that you made me feel unlovable.
I hate that I couldn’t ever be sad or scared or sick.
I hate the worse I get, the less you care.
Never an apology.
You say I never hear you.
Hard to hear, what’s never been said.
Intimacy is a joke.
I give and give.
I’ve always known something was wrong.
It’s been 7 years and it’s the same.
I’ve grown. Am still growing.
And now recognizing I allowed you to do this to me,
Because I didn’t love myself. And most of all you do t love yourself.
You were a reflection of how I treat myself, but in human form.
It took for the whole world to crumble to know it’s not just me.
You never cared. And aren’t capable of it.
I’m done with feeling alone. Glorified roommates. Less than.
I deserve intimate, love, and passion from my partner.
Sucks it took for my entire world to burn to rise again from its ashes.
Emotional Unavailability is real. you are not alone. you are not crazy. You just deserve better. Someone wants to give you Better. Love YOURSELF.

Could we start over?

I’ve really wanted to reach out over the last month. I’ve missed you and your smile like hell.

I’ve missed your company. You’re something special and I was always so happy when I was around you. I was happiest when we were just hanging out, even if you were always late.

But it’s been a while now. I know I could blame myself, but it takes two.

Would you meet me half way?

I’d love to talk to you and catch up on things. I just want to know you are ok.

So I guess what I really want to know is; can I call you? Can I text you? Would you even answer?

Maybe when this pandemic is over we could grab a drink and start over. Maybe we could be better to each other this time.