to me

I know you love me,
There is always a way to receive love like we have never received before no matter circumstances.
Are you willing to ride the wave or you are keeping self sabotaging yourself hiding in a cave
not speaking your truth?
Will you ever be ready to receive ? When?
When do you start seeing you are perfect and you are worthy of love
Worthy of receiving love first but foremost from yourself.
When will you see how beautiful you are
When will you love yourself
When will you respect yourself
When will you get obsessed with healing yourself
you are the only one who can Pick up your broken pieces and glue them together
paint them with colours of art, music, hope, joy, bliss, peace, respect,
then dance sing listen music run jump swimm, splash your wings and fly
There is never a better time than now.
Your heart will sabotage you until you speak your truth
until you express your truth
until you create it and share it ,
until you serve it on a silver plate
and Spread it with love.
Once you know how to love yourself unconditionally
Once you will accept yourself unconditionally
You will vibrate with Love and unconditional love will find you.

Ice Queen

Fell into my well of tears,
Bubbling to the top was an
Assortment of fears.
Tangled up in my bluish stare
You opened up wounds
That inflicted pain everywhere.

Thoughts drool down my cheeks
Memories clash the cymbals
You can’t hear me speak.
Anger amounts in a rubbish pile
As I wince from it all,
you give off a devilish smile.

Your heart might me bright
and three times
The size to those you love
But it coils as a viper to strangers,
ready to strike from above.

You are pathetic
when you are so blatantly mean
Nothing is beautiful
about your face
when you are an evil Ice Queen.

Fell into my well of tears had you
And mocked pity with a false care,
Nothing lovely grows
from you indifferent glare.

Stop pretending,
its a farce just as cruel
As your throne,
The only reason you’re in office
Is because of your sly tone.

I’ll never vote you in to the kingdom
Of the kind,
never understand your banter
And its tomfoolery design.
You might think I am being harsh
But I am tired of your blows
There’s no place for you here,
so off you go.

This is different

When it comes to you, everything I have done so far has been the exact opposite of what I want to do. Every signal I have thrown, every time I have turned my head or passed you by, every word I have said to you, none of it was ever what I truly wanted. And if given another chance, I would blow that, too. I have tried many times to write how I feel. I wrote one lengthy letter to you years ago and even that ended in obscurity to where the letter, true and nice as it was, didn’t really express how I felt about you. Every time I try to write about it, I can’t think straight. I can’t get it out. I clam up even when I am all alone with just my thoughts. Even the thought of you makes me nervous but not in the sense that I am intimidated by you. I can’t explain it so I don’t even try. But nothing I have done has matched up with how I feel and I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. This is the most I have allowed myself to ever even get into it and even this is vague af. I can’t help it.

Outdoor daydreams

I see my own eyes in the reflection in the pond and my first thought is that I wish I could see yours again. I feel the light breeze on my skin and wish it were you touching me, lifting my skirt just enough and gently moving my hair out of my face. I think of how hearing your voice would be a perfect complement to the peaceful sounds of nature. I am jealous of the birds working together to make a nest and prepare their little ones for life – how many times have I wished to do that with you?

I have always found peace and belonging in nature; now I think I find that in you.

Good Morning, Captain

Let me in, the voice cried softly
From outside the wooden door
Scattered remnants of the ship could be seen in the distance
Blood stained the icy wall of the shore

“I’m the only one left, the storm, took them all”
He managed as he tried to stand
The tears ran down his face
“Please, it’s cold”

When he woke, there was no trace of the ship
Only the dawn was left behind by the storm
He felt the creaking of the stairs beneath him
That rose from the sea, to the door

There was a sound at the window then
The captain started, his breath was still
Slowly, he turned

From behind the edge of the windowsill
There appeared the delicate hand of a child
His face was flushed and timid
He stared at the captain through frightened eyes
The captain reached for something to hold on to
“Help me, ” he whispered, as he rose slowly to his feet
The boy’s face went pale
He recognized the sound
Silently, he pulled down the shade against the shadow
Lost in the doorstep of the empty house

I’m trying to find my way home
I’m sorry
Yeah, I miss you
I miss you
I’ve grown taller now
I want the police to be notified
I swear, I’ll make it up to you, promise I’ll
I’ll make it up to you, I’ll make it up to you
I’ll make it up to you
Let me go!
Let me go!
I miss you
I miss you

Broken wings

I’ll never walk alone again; the winds of time and change are too strong.
Ah, it’s that what you hurt, which you’ll have to live with.

Only the sad flowing emotions, bury these intense and trying times.
Ah, this tight embrace and this burning, unchanged heart.
In this ever changing time, love will never change.

It was a pleasure (joy and pain)

More than love it’s a way of living,
It’s all part of my way of giving and I give it all to you.

I’m the scruffy, beat up working class wannabe troubadour.
Who fell in love with you, Oh but how you broke my heart.
There are times to remember and times that I wish to forget,
Our time together was tinged with love and regret.
What’s the use of intellect and common sense,
It means nothing at all if all you can do is sit on the fence.

If it wasn’t for you I’d never have known real happiness,
If it wasn’t for you I’d never have known real sadness.
Now you ask me if I’m sincere and although I’m not a guy that means to hurt,
See the confusion in my cloudy eyes.
Because I’ve know the pain of too much happiness,
And the misfortune of too much sadness.

I know that the distance makes you forget, loves so dear.
That what today seems so real tomorrow will be forgotten,
So here I stand exiled here from the world,
My sentence comes too heavy.
And I find myself asking why I should be made to pay,
For being born on the dark side of the moon.

Captain, Your Ship Hasn’t Sank

I dream of you in bathtubs of flies, smoking opium

I dream of you laughing as you tell my dad how in love with me you are

I dreamed of you having a baby with her

You’ve always intrigued me with your mind, pulled me in like you were a portal

I’ve always jumped headfirst into my outlets to another world, and although I only ever dipped my toes in your dark water, I became swept up all too quickly as you went under with me

I can’t even say your hands pulled me in, we held our breath and went underneath together

From day one, from day one

I felt jealous seeing you with her, I felt like I knew you

I felt like I knew your secrets without you ever even telling me, I felt like you knew mine

You smoked cigarettes back to back with me, out in the dark – you procrastinated work more with me

We only talked once a week, but it felt like we had never left our spot, intertwined in intense interaction

I hated the idea of hurting her by having you

But what I wanted was to have you

It wasn’t like Tara. Though I’ll never tell you that. She hasn’t left me. Even as she’s so gone. Gone gone gone.

The pills seem to be helping or I’m just manic. Things are different now. I’m back home but it feels like I live with you part time. Dads sicker now. I feel everything he feels. I’m older but not old enough.

Time passed like a slow motion repeated punch to the face, and we’re battered

I see the loss of me continuously torture him, like he failed me, like he has to fight the war we’d never win – how do you fight the broken system? I tell him all I can do is be the change I want to see. Even as I still bleed in some ways. Some probably too much.

I place band aid after band aid on every gaping hole. I’ve put up wall after wall that I can’t even break them down completely when I try. Even as I feel like it comes naturally. I just won’t break. I guess that takes time. Will I ever be able to?

Tara saw everything. She saw me. I’ll never tell you how I still picture her. I’ll never tell how I carry her letter that I accidentally tye dyed while drunk like it’s a parting gift from my general at war. Who saved me. Carried me through as the bullets left me unable to carry myself.

I felt every knick and cut, I felt your hands having to dig in to get the remains out, I felt the alcohol burn my skin as you worked to cleanse everything.

I shook over you upon leaving. Upon entering the real world again. Mom was supposed to be there. I was cut off from everyone. She was there for a little while. Until she was gone again. But I saw that coming.

I bleed. And I bleed. And I’m bleeding laying here.

I can’t even fully write about him properly without it switching back over to you. Here’s where the narrative has to leave you. You’re not here anymore.

I feel horrible to say it as everything here is inherently good, his parents, him

But their internal ruins show through everywhere, like all of it blew chunks in every corner

I cough more from the dust

I have a questionable cut on my pinky toe from the shower, if that’s even what you could call it

He wants to make it better and I have hope that he will

Even as I watch him procrastinate, not reach his full potential

He wants to and I believe in him, but my fear is that this is all it’ll ever be – my fear is that time will matter, that this is potentially a severely vulnerable time for us

I had to go and I left, mom gave up on me before that

We haven’t talked and she’s taking whatever pieces of my heart she still has access to, and that’s them

What is it about us that seems to draw them too close for comfort, we were enjoying the evening, walking around his hometown

I see them unmistakably, they stop and stare for a moment

I couldn’t help myself, even as I enjoyed the little comforts of today even in the great discomfort of this house, I was falling into how pissed I feel, how overall hurt I feel.

He saw me angry. (I will refrain from bringing Tara back into this.)

I yelled to her to have a nice night, I yelled fuck you and he shushed me, he was right, I shouldn’t have done that

I called my aunt and cried to her instead

I rewatch the scene, “Not Penny’s Boat.” And I think of my dads words, “At the end of the day, I was the captain, and the ship sank.”

I don’t want to see you sink. Don’t sink on me.

Lighting

You still lighten up the rooms
Of my heart when you come near.
Even if yours are dark,
I wish you’d come inside mine
Because my church is filled
With your effervescent glow.

Everyone keeps asking the priest
To somehow stop the beaming
Sun from shining through.
But you are a cathedral’s glass panels,
You always burn bright and
With illuminating colors.

You always lighten up the hallway
Of my mind
Whenever you are near.
You are not my gospel
You are my prayer thanking
The universe for the
mystery of you and the warmth in
Your presence.

You help me believe in my
Own internal flame
And the raging wildfire
I can be
Deep inside the hidden passage
Ways of my heart.