Month: April 2020

Whenever I start to miss you..

Trust my lonely

It’s time I let you go
I made the mistake, go writing your name on my heart
‘Cause you colours showed
But it was too late, you left me stained, caught it off
Do you crave control?
I’ve been your doll, that you poke for fun too long
So you should go
Don’t look back, I won’t come back
Can’t do that no more
Go get your praise from someone else
You didn’t a number on my health
My word is brighter by itself
And I can do better, do better
You and I were swayin’ on the ropes
I found my foot and on my own
I’m a-okay, I’m good as gold
And I can do better, do better alone
Alone, alone
There ain’t no love ’round here
I loved you once, but it made me dumb
Now I’m seeing it way too clear
You hurt me numb, and for that I’ve run out of time
To have pain to feel (pain to feel)
I’ve been your game
Just taking the blame for too long
Get on out of here
Don’t look back, I won’t come back
Can’t do that no more
Go get your praise from someone else
You did a number on my health
My world is brighter by itself
And I can do better, do better
You and I were swayin’ on the ropes
I found my footing on my own
I’m a-okay, I’m good as gold
And I can do better, do better alone
Don’t you know that you’re bad for me?
I gotta trust my lonely
Don’t you know that you’re bad for me?
I gotta trust my lonely
Don’t you know you’re no good for me?
I gotta trust my lonely
Don’t you know you’re no good for me?
I gotta trust my lonely
Go get your praise from someone else
You did a number on my health
My world is brighter by itself
And I can do better, do better
You and I were swayin’ on the ropes
I found my footing on my own
I’m a-okay, I’m good as gold
And I can do better, do better alone
Don’t you know that you’re bad for me?
I gotta trust my lonely
Don’t you know that you’re bad for me?
I gotta trust my lonely
Don’t you know you’re no good for me?
I gotta trust my lonely
Don’t you know you’re no good for me?
I gotta trust my lonely

My senior year of college

So I graduated from college with my Bachelors degree in painting, 3 years ago. But my senior year of college was literally the worst. I got kicked out of my apartment on campus, I was Cat called, I witnessed a stalking case that took place, and this dipshit blamed me for his own depressive episode which ended in a suicide attempt. I tell you it was the worst year of my life, unless you count my freshmen year of college where I just went through shitty room mates. But despite all this, people payed me random acts of kindness’s and I actually managed to graduate. But that year really was shitty. My younger brother just got accepted to colleges and I’m really hoping for his sake that his years at college aren’t so bad.

Decided to Look You Up…

I have been thinking a lot about you lately. So I decided to look you up and see how you were doing. Found out what city you reside in and that you now have three children. Congratulations Dad! What blessings you have. Truly happy that you have gotten then the things you talked about during the last time we connected.

When I found out all of that information, I honestly couldn’t believe what I was reading. I know the truth and where you stand. That tells me, it’s time to move on Ashley. This is somebody you have loved for 15 years. It’s clear that it was not meant for you and will not return to you. I guess I have been holding on to the hope that just one day. May be one day. We would be together if things didn’t workout with you current life. I acknowledge that it was selfish of me to both feel and think that way.

Lastly, before I go. Thank you for allowing me to find love even though I wasn’t able to continue having it with you. Thank you for waking me up from the bullshit relationship that I have still failed to remove myself from. I am hoping to build the strength to eventually walk away. Thank you for teaching me to value myself. You have no idea how much you helped me during the short time we connected six years ago. I will always be grateful to my first true love.

Praying that the rest of your life is as an incredible journey filled with an abundance of blessings, happiness, good health, love, and success.

With love,
Ashley

I choose this world despite unearthly sentiments

Yesterday’s insatiable longing to have a break from reality
To feel the hums not as they are but as somewhat desired
And to mingle imagination into the peripheral without merit
Are suddenly diffused
By the long arching sunlight nestled on the window pane
By the curbing of the stomach from hunger
By the relentless diction articulated by an unwavering sister.
Angels were not born to the heavens
But stood in place as I was contemplating madness
Instead of breathing humbly on this forsaken planet.
But the birds sound different when the voices are hushed
They are little apostles singing soothingly
about peace, guiding me onward.

Beautiful

Beautiful,
I want to apologize about before I was angry and confused about the situation. Furthermore I was going through things in life that was making me questions what I wanted, how I could be happy, and what was the best course of action for all of that. It was wrong of me to give you partial blame on things that weren’t your fault and for that I am sorry.

Unfortunately I have to stand my ground on my decision to walk away from everything. So i can find what it is I’m looking for and with all do respect I now see and reconize that it isn’t you and after everything I just can’t have you in my life until I obtain that.

You did what you did because you had to be happy. Please don’t hate me for walking away from you in all aspects for the same reason.
Old man