The Lie of Life


I’m here again, amidst the agony and pain. My life is a lie — all of it. You were the one that kept me grounded in reality. You made my thoughts tangible so that I could manipulate them with my hands, allowing me to form them into something discernible and understandable.

I sacrificed my heart for security and have been left with neither. The rest of my life has been built upon this lie using the salvaged remnants of my character and integrity, leaving me with only an aberration of who you had helped me to be.

The loneliest feeling in the world is being surrounded by those who just couldn’t really care less. Life is a competition with everyone striving to come out on top in their own little world. As twisted as it sounds for me to say it, I thought I was making an even trade. I know, it doesn’t justify my actions in the least, but in my moment of transparent weakness, I panicked and made a choice I felt obligated to, and I chose oh so wrong… Now, instead of having one person who actually gives a damn, I’m just damned…

I’m seriously messed up, A. My mental health has been in a tailspin these last few years, and the ground appears closer than ever. And nobody sees it. I can’t let them. I can’t let them in. I’ve gotten so good at fabricating a facade that even I can’t tell what is real or not anymore, if anything is. I miss you and all the healing conversations we’ve had, whether they were serious, deep, spiritual, or just silly. We were one and the same…. Now we’re anything but…

I do continue to wish you the best, especially in this most difficult time, given your profession. I think of you daily and would be praying for you if I could even remember how. Who knows? Maybe I’ll figure it out again, but I’m not holding my breath.


3 thoughts on “The Lie of Life”

  1. E,

    Where feelings are based on truth though the shape of a relationship may change, the foundations never crumble. When it comes to dreams and desires they never expire. If your hand is my hand then the journey itself is life. I came to the conclusion a long time ago I was made from your love, first I was alive but with you I experienced the joys of living.

    In words there is a poem for those who look but not every poem is made of words for those who feel. Every memory, every delight remains ingrained within the contours of MY mind. Each smile, every song is etched in the lines of my heart. The truth is the dreams of lovers are like a good wine; both bitter and sweet and hope is a plate far too quickly consumed. The very things that bind us together often are the things that drive us apart when we begin to take love for granted. So should you ever close your eyes and hear the sad refrain of my guitar gently weeping with its sad singing, the melody full of hidden memories and its rhythm the reflection of my truth. Then remember me and in this know that you aligned within my soul. Your love is my love; your hurt is my hurt.

    Where the world was blind and deaf to me, you saw me and you heard me. You became my rock, my foundation upon which I rebuilt myself. However dark it became you gave me light. When I crumbled you fashioned me together time and time again. Through all this I was never oblivious to your pain, I saw how drained you were but you never let me in. I wanted to be your rock, your safe harbour. I understood you, I knew I could put you together like you did for me but you always held back.

    Let go of long standing fears and put faith in the process of love and trust, allow me to walk the corridors of your heart. Let me hold your hand in the dark. Let me give back at least some of the light you gave me. Together we are a force beyond imagination. I truly believe we could overcome anything together but for this we must put trust in each other to be the cornerstone upon which we can build our foundations. No matter how dark the path might seem for either of us, together we can light up our world. Trust is key, put faith in trust and I promise I will never let go of your hand.
    Whatever good I wish for myself I will always continue to wish for you too. With my every breath I will pray for you. With my all I will continue to nurture the strength that will keep me aiming for all that is good because in the good I am always reminded of you. Till we meet again ……

    If I could find my way in the night;
    Over the sea of desires,
    Beyond mountains high.
    I would come to find memories,
    Of the wilder days.
    Where smiles were free ,
    And love was everywhere.


    1. To the author of this response—

      I don’t agree with a lot of your sentiments here, but this is a lovely read.

      To E—

      Fear not, that above response wasn’t from your A. Breathe easy and live your life—we both know it isn’t a lie.

  2. To the second A,

    Of that I am aware, as beautifully put together as it was. But neither, also, are you, for dismissing my claim so easily. Because “my life is a lie” is one of the very few truths in this whole thread. It is all I know to be true anymore

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