I remember.

I love you, I have since aged 17, 10 years later, I love you just as much, if not more. I lost you, because I never thought you loved me. I ran away from you. I found my life, with another. We made a beautiful son. The ray of sunshine in all the madness, my cheeky little trouble making monkey boy, who makes my heart burst. Now you come riding back into my life now?
After everything? After I cried for you for years? Cried for a love that never was. Now, now you beg for me. Now, you take your walls down, you show me it all. But is it too late? Is my “true” love something I now deserve? After 4 years of having him? No, he never made me forget you, but he never hurt me. Yes, he tried to fill the void you left but never succeeded. He is a wonderful father and a loving partner, but just not for me. But after all that am I ALLOWED to feel these things for you still?
I remember how good you used to make me feel. How you convinced me that the world needed me and helped me through the darkness when it was threatening to swallow me whole. How you held my hand whenever I was scared. The pink fairy teddy that you brought me “because you sprinkle all your goodness over my world”. The one I still have sat at the end of the bed. When you sang to me down the phone whenever I was down. How you were my own personal little cheerleader, always celebrating with me, even about the small wins. How you drank way too much tequila with me and told me how our future would be, every last little detail. How we argued like cat and dog over the stupidest of things, but you didn’t believe in sleeping on arguments, so we always had to make up. How I got butterflies every time I saw your smile. How you would use your hand and trace words onto my back and make me guess things that you wouldn’t say aloud.
I miss it all. But, right now, do I deserve to? I have a whole other life now, but I know for sure, if you gave me one of your smiles? Hell, I’d be like putty in your hands all over again. I’m sorry for running.. I just needed more – I needed firm commitment and not pretty promises, that I didn’t know had any follow-up. I’m sorry for running.. I just loved you too much to stay and beg for someone who wasn’t ready. I always said to myself; give him time, if it’s meant to be, he will come back.. alas, you did not. I learnt to live without you – it took some time. But eventually I got better.
I made a life without you. It was void without you, but I tried. I gave life my all. I passed my degree. But it wasn’t the same, without my cheerleader there. I lost my Grandpa. You never got to listen to another one of his jokes you loved so much. I met a guy. It hurt, but he treated me right. He held me tight and he gave me his world. I allowed it. I wanted to feel loved, to know if it could feel that strong. It didn’t, but it was love, nonetheless. Then came our beautiful baby. The sleepless nights, the postnatal depression. Back to feeling numb and helpless. He helped me. He is a good man. A very good man. But he does not ignite in me, the passion that you do.
You once promised me that I would be the end for you. That no matter what it was me and you. But it wasn’t was it? So why my dear, why now do you sought to find me and pour your heart into me? Why do you come and tell me that you regret not being able to commit? Why do you tell me that you haven’t been happy all these years? That just like me, something was missing? Why do you remind me of such wonderful times? Why do you stir feelings in me that have been dormant for so long? Why do you say you yearn for me? Why do you bring all of these beautiful words and emotions to me, like they’re wrapped up with a perfect bow? Lord, why?
He knows about you, he has from the start and he does now. I am no liar and I cannot lie to a man who has been so good to me. But I can see it in his eyes, I can feel it in his hugs, he knows. And what hurts so much, is that he is such a good man, that he would let me go, to find my happiness. He always said to me, “a love like that only comes once”. He knows, because he lost his. I guess our souls met, because we both knew heartache.
How dare you come back now and do this to me? There’s a quote that goes – “if you love something, let it go, if it was meant to be, it will come back to you” – You certainly took your time, but does that make it anymore untrue?
I love you and I miss you. Right now, I’m remembering the day we went hiking – when I tripped over a stick in that ridiculous outfit I wore to impress you. I’m remembering how I cursed myself out because I then looked stupid and you said “Moo, you could wear a bin liner and I would still find every inch of you beautiful, because this is more than just physical attraction, its attraction of the minds”, that’s the day, the hour, the minute and the second, that I fell in love with you. The honesty, ingenuity and sparkle in your eyes, damn, I could live that day a million times over and still not be bored.
“I don’t know if I stole your love or if it was my fate. I only know it broke my heart to find your love too late.”
Oh my love, how disastrous this could be.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.