Feeling Alone… Terribly Alone

Dear B,

I love you with all my heart and soul, but being trapped inside with you and our toddler is beginning to drive me insane.

I have felt like I was losing my identity for a while now- lost in the ether of things that ‘used to be’.

I am sad, and I am lonely. I know that I so blessed to have you and the best friend that so many people wish that they could have. I have an amazing smart, kind, wonderful and beautiful little boy! How did I get so lucky to have him as my child? I will never know.

I am alone now, and sad.

I used to have identity in my work. In being a provider. In earning more than you. In beauty, youth and appeal. CHarisma. Now I am just a tired old mom who’s eyes are surrounded by fine lines, and they are dim inside. The sparkle has disappeared. The joy, the enthusiasm that I had for life.

No one ever tells you that this is what happens when you get everything you want. So I set the bar higher… Trying to achieve more and more, but being unable to maintain balance in my life, I quiet. I DO NOT quiet anything ever. I am finally finding my way out of this darkness, and then this goddamn plague struck, and I am stuck inside not being able to pursue my goals.

I have sooo much to do inside, and so many hobbies that have been neglected, but most are impossible to do with a toddler running around. I just can’t keep wasting money, or take the risk, of him being in daycare at this point. It is unfair to him, to me and to society, let alone our bank account.

Speaking of our bank account, I don’t even know how much is in it! I don’t even have access to it. I do know roughly, as we share information and statements openly between us, but still…

I have these huge bills, and you are acting like it is all my fault. Motherfucker, that is what happens when a small business is hit with the PLAGUE!!! We are all fucked, screwed, adois!!

And now, I am expected to be stay at home mother of the year, a role I never willingly signed up for. The irony is that I imagined what it would be like to be a stay at home mom, and did want to do it at s certain point in my life.

I just didn’t expect to be now.

So what am I going to do?

I am going to make the best of this entire shitstorm that they call America. Fuck the Plague.

The Things I Wanted To Say To You In That Parking Lot

Dear You,

I still find myself replaying that Thursday morning in that parking lot in my head over and over. You have every right to never want to see or speak to me again. What I did was awful, inexcusable, and cruel.

I apologize for my actions.

I lied to you only because I thought that telling you the truth would only have led me into a spiral much deeper than I’d ever experienced. And, I thought you’d never understand. So I took your kindness and empathy for granted. But I know it still doesn’t matter 2.5 years later.

I fell for you because of your empathy and kindness. I fell for you because you sat with me during the beginning of this spiral and I thought if something bigger wasn’t happen, you wouldn’t take my spiral seriously. Now thinking back on it, it wasn’t your job to. I fell for you because it felt like you were the first one to really see me for more than just another person passing through. I fell for you because of the kind soul that you are.

I couldn’t tell you that then and I still can’t today.

I hope you’re happy now.

Best Regards,

Troy, I miss you

I miss you so much. It’s been six years since we last saw each other and for some reason I thought this year would be different. According to my guides 28 or year 2020, seemed like that would all change. The year isn’t over yet. So who knows what’s in store. Now I could be thinking extremely faulty but I just can’t shake how I feel for you. I know the feelings are one-sided and not mutual.

I still check my email everyday to see if you’ll reach out. Especially since, I blocked you on everything else and my number has changed.

I feel so pathetic writing on this but it’s the only way I can get this out. I know I need to completely forget about you. I do and I will. When? I don’t know. After all I think about you still everyday. I hope you’re happy and healthy. Take good care of yourself.

Missing you always,