Now, all these years later, whats happening, pandemic, disaster, isolation, I think of you, I think of you and then I think fuck you and then I go on and later I think of you and I wonder if you’re okay, if you’re going to be okay, amongst everything else if i am not okay will the secrets be buried with me or with you? Is it over? Of course it is, and yet I think of you, and I wonder, do you think of me also? Now after all this time…am I the one you think about when youre sitting in your fainting chair drinking pink rabbits? I’m drinking ginger beer, I feel an overwhelming sense of doom…sometimes before, times before, I wondered who would outlive who and I’d joke to myself, sometimes in mockery, othertimes in anger, would I dance on your grave? But I’ve forgiven you since…we never spoke truly about what you did, about who did what, about what really happened…I was so unable to articulate then…I scrambled for words…but nothing covered it, not truly, thousands of words, some said, more written, nothing covered it, I loved you, I wanted to agree to you, to things that didn’t fit, I compromised when I said I wouldnt and then we pretended it was no compromise at all, like that song…losing my religion…that’s was me in the corner…in the spotlight losing my religion…every whisper every waking hour Im choosing my confessions, trying to keep and eye on you and I never knew if could do it, oh no I said too much, I haven’t said enough?
Did I set it up? Did we set ourselves up to fail?
I told you I loved you, but then I told you I didnt want to move forward, but then I didnt want you to leave, but I wanted to leave but then I didnt want to leave, like my subconscious was taking over in ways I could neither understand nor comprehend. Why couldnt I tell you in simple words? Why couldnt I keep it simple?
Why did you have to go so far? Why did we have to go so far?
We went so far…I remember gazing into each others eyes…I remember when I was cruel, I remember you on the edge of the bed ever so quietly saying words that sounded like “I love you”, but all I saw was a man hunched at the end of a bed, all I saw was someone who was appalled by his own confession and all I heard was “elephant you”….oh God…
I was so scared. I did everything I could to keep you at an arms length while pulling you towards me…was it just me? Did I imagine it?
Why do I still think of you? Do you still think of me?
We never had closure. Do you even understand the lines you crossed? Do you ever feel the weight of regret I have walked with?
Its so confusing trying to understand it all with clarity. I remember you screaming at me over the phone, so many words I know so well, my heart feels the same bang when I recite them in my mind, so many…
I think of you and then I have to bury it until I think of you again. It hurts too much to remember. I can only hope to hear something positive from you sometime, though its only in the hours like this I hope for such things…I don’t know if I’d even have the courage to respond…but there are things I’d like to know.
Were you the love of my life? You couldnt have been mine if I wasn’t yours?
Is there some connection that we still share, how could it be that I still hold the big ball of broken love alone? Perhaps I do…
I don’t think I ever let you know me, I’m the kind of deep roller that rolls so deep I make it look like I’m gliding above the surface, but thats a skill, no, you can’t have loved me, elephant you makes no sense, but I loved you so deeply it scared me into the masquerade, or perhaps I should have known that my fear was an indication of what was to come, perhaps it was. I guess its not possible you could feel what I feel now.
You’re just a ghost.