Unrequited love for an old man

Dear M Sensei,

How are you? I wonder what you’re doing right now. I can imagine that you’re on your table, doing office work, being completely dull looking as usual. 

I wrote this letter to tell you that I love you. Seems a bit shocking is it not? After all, although you’re unmarried, you’re almost 60 with balding hair and a thin, frail body. Not exactly the strapping young man that I typically get into.

The truth is I don’t know how it started. It was definitely not love at first sight. When I first started working with you I only saw you as a coworker. I’m even a bit scared of you. After all, you’re the same age as my mom. That can be quite intimidating.

However, throughout our meetings I started to know you. You’re more than just some old man. I discovered the way your mind works, your sense of humor and your opinions on things. You make me laugh when I am sad. You try to tell me that I am needed, that my job is important and that I can make a difference. I know it seems a bit silly to you but those words are what kept me going when I feel like I will never be happy again.

Before I knew it I also noticed small things like the way you eat your lunch just before 4th period and how you choose to eat it in a separate table and not on your desk. I noticed that you didn’t talk to other people much. You just try to blend in the background and in company parties you go home first. 

I will never forget that time when we were having our meeting at the tea ceremony room. There was a sudden earthquake. It was so strong I felt like the windows were going to break. You hugged me so suddenly. I felt like my heart was going to burst! I didn’t know how long we stayed like that. 10 seconds? 10 hours? I honestly don’t know. When the earthquake stopped you asked “Are you okay?” and I felt my face getting hot. My head must have looked like a tomato. How embarrassing. I don’t even know how I responded. I just remembered mumbling some weird excuse about how I should go and getting out of the room with a feeling that I can’t explain. Like I’m invincible and I can do anything but also I wanted to run and hide. 

Whenever we’re having meetings I still imagine that hug from you but I try to brush it off. Let’s be realistic. There’s no way I can ever be with you, though you are single I’m not. I have a boyfriend 6 years younger than me. I can’t leave him. He does love me and I don’t want to hurt him. He’s still very important to me. How strange. I’m with a younger lover but I’m secretly in-love with an old man. Usually it’s the other way around.

I always wondered, what would people say if they found out? That I’m trying to chase an old man for his money? I have too much pride for that.

I feel like I’m trash but I can at least do what’s best for everyone. I will not ‘rock the boat’. I will not leave my boyfriend and I will never tell you how I feel.

I hope you find your happiness. I will do my best too. Someday I will forget you. I’ll focus on the person who is with me. And so by writing this letter I hope I’m also burying  my feelings for you deep inside my heart. It will be hidden forever. 

Though you will never know, I will always love you.

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