Tell me there’ll be a day when I’m not suffering from anxiety.

Tell me there’ll come a time when I’m over it, like a cold or a stomach bug and I’m not throwing up feelings in my chest that don’t make sense. I want to explode, implode, burst into flame. I want to curl into a soft, space place. I want to run away. Anything that makes it stop, stop stop.

I want to see the end of this fear. Fear of nothing, fear of everything. I’m waiting for all this help to help. To step on the support of others and find myself in the rafters.

I want to hold your hand. I want to hold you, and it’s just me. All me. All present. No deep dark thoughts or anxious whispers or terrible visions. I just want to be with you, and be ok. I just need to be ok, and believe it.

Tell me,
Tell me,
Tell me.

Tell me until I believe it.

How could you?

We were so close
on your choosing
.. while I tried so hard to hold back
you wanted to go there
pushed for it
dreamed of it

us – together

it was you who came back to me
yes, all along I’ve been missing you

no, no I wasn’t and will never run after you

Thing is
..if it means enough you’d pull through
and if you don’t
it would never last

Something I won’t do for you
simply because I wouldn’t
find myself ever again if I’d lose you

Ahhh, you were so close
or just so full of shit?

I don’t know what to think anymore
.. so I just don’t try to find answers
that I can’t answer myself anywho

I am doing well
my life is really getting a push forward
it has been little by little
Steady pace and never fast enough for me

Now I am almost in my comfort zone
yet, not really
because I have never been it’s a bit different
it’s Content
* I disliked Content because
it’s not enough, never enough but
after everything*
..I take it

ahhh and not
in Moments I profoundly enjoy my
utter freedom
I pretty much do what I want
.. don’t have to answer to nobody
*besides work and even that is
..mmm doable

What get’s me
what really does
..why did you disappear like you did?

No word
.. just gone

1 second your profession of love
.. next day

I think I could get over a breakup
over a fight
over pretty much anything
but you just left me with
.. nothing but the question why

& the battle of inner feelings still alive

Did I mean so little
that I didn’t even deserve
a simple goodbye?

Hey Love

It’s been 6 years since I’ve seen you and 5 years since we last spoke. And I have to say that I miss you so much. I will always think that you’re my “what if” even if you didn’t choose me. I have just genuinely never felt a deep connection the way I felt it with you. I know this is unfortunate that the feelings were one-sided (me) but I just can’t shake this feeling still and it’s been 6 yrs. I will never forget the way you made me feel. I will always think of you and pray you are doing well, that you’re happy, and are living your best life with your family. Shame on me to continue feeling the love I have for you but I can’t help it. May you have a fruitful life full of joy and may you never experience pain. You truly are deserving of all of the best. XOXO- AM Love

Today is one of those days

I wonder why I can go through some days with no problem at all,
no distractions,
no extra thoughts or daydreams,
just peace and joy,
contentment and fullness

While other days I am so wrapped up in thoughts of you –

how it’d feel to hold your hand,
caress your arm,
hold onto you,
undress you,
feel your lips on mine and the warmth of our bodies together;
wondering where your thoughts are,
if you’re craving the same love that I am,
if you’re lonely tonight, and
if I can be more to you;
hoping and longing,
wishing and dreaming,
silently loving,
hungry for you

– that I can’t even remember to eat dinner


I don’t know if I love you anymore. If I had know things more clearly I wouldn’t have left to be with you. I know you do everything for me but I can’t get over the fact you betrayed me. You keep in touch with ex girlfriends. One in which kissed you and told you in messenger she misses you. Would she stay if she knew all you do is game-drink-smoke. On top sex every two weeks cause you’re too messed up. You don’t ever want to move. Traveling is not your thing nor is going out on dates. I thought it was me but like you said you went out only when you had to or felt obligated. I feel less of a person. I was introduced to another female as someone that lives with you after ten years. The fact your father was there when you hung out with the ex that kissed you…hurts my heart. Apparently I am not that important. I changed my life to be with you. I feel I’ve wasted my time. After ten years and promises of marriage I’m losing hope. I’m not your mother. I thought I was your future. I feel like I’m at the bottom of you list. You have written poems and songs for ex girlfriends you’ve told me about but couldn’t even get me a card for Valentine’s Day. You are so comfortable in the fact I’ll take care of you and you can relax. Cake and Ice Cream. How is going to be when I start working more? My options are open now. If ex girlfriends are a thing and we are not at least engaged we are roommates. I now just owe you money. I’ll give us two more years. After that I’m walking away. I know my worth. I would never do anything to hurt you. You on the other hand think I’m ridiculous. Why? Because I’m hurt knowing you tell other ex girlfriends our issues-you hang out with them-call them and message them out of the blue. Find someone else that will put up with that. Maybe it’s my fault. I give to much of myself. Maybe I am a joke. I hope you know I had other prospects but I choose to be with you. Don’t worry I want tag you in anything best to keep your social apps looking like your single. Here’s to another two years…

Love hurts

Dear desperate lonely people,
I hate feeling this way, constantly thinking about him… or that idea… that glimpse of the idea of love i wanted, that i gave up on… then you suddenly show up out of no-where. Yes, you… out of all people i was not expecting you, you showed up from no where and just accepted me fully. I just had been hurt before. I was happy and content, i’ve come to terms and peace with never being in love again and not experiencing that feeling. That increased dopamine levels that make you forget to eat or the butterflies in your stomach that everytime you get when you see that person. Forget about all of that, it’s the way that this “relationship” could have been so healing ut i never got to experience it… its not fair..its the way how things unfolded …. its that idea that i desperately wanted. Its not fair that, i have to leave right after i realize i was falling for you, the need to express it is so strong…It hurts and it still does because i don’t know if ill ever experience that again. It hurts that i held back so much, i was scared of love. I just want to let go and give all for love but i don’t know if ill find someone whom i can love again. You’ve made me realize how essential, deserving and monumental i am… thank you for loving me or at least in my head you did. Regardless i

When you’ve been broke, you hold on to love the hardest or even the glimpse of it makes you crazy. When you had to fight for love, it becomes so special and so hard to ignore. That’s one of the downsides of falling in love.