Day: December 14, 2022

This has got to stop. I can’t take it any more. You might not believe it but it is true. Each and every morning at the crack of dawn, 19 dumb daddys in my city throw back the covers and make Krystal Scramblers and try to think up fresh new ways to wreck my life.

In case you don’t know – and you probably don’t – a Krystal Scrambler is a hearty bowl stacked high with scrambled eggs, homemade grits, melted American cheese and savory sausage or crispy bacon, making this the perfect on-the-go breakfast. And every single morning including weekends and holidays these 19 moron daddys leap out of bed first thing in the morning and go to the kitchen to get started making them, and while they’re making them they come up with all new ways to make sure I’m screwing up.

They never let me eat the Krystal Scramblers they make, those are not for me. But they are the reason why these daddys have to wake up so early and why they have to get together in the first place. After a few weeks of doing this these 19 stupid daddys quickly realized they needed something to help pass the time so they decided to think up plans to drive me bonkers until I’m ready to hit the ceiling.

I had to attend this one alone but it was absolutely worth it to hear my man Jonas voice in person this far away from his hometown in Sweden.
A cute lady who looked like a friend of mine urges me into the front row when a hole opens up at the beginning of the song Teargas.
The openers Cellar Darling and The Ocean Collective did a great job of getting the crowd warmed up, and it was wonderful that they’d been able to sell the majority if not all of the tickets at this venue on a Tuesday.
I made it to and from the venue without incident and even though my girlfriends couldn’t make it out with me, it was still a successful night of enjoyment. Turns out the awkward parent pickups at school have prepared me for awkwardly standing with a bunch of other concert attendees by myself.

Friday I caught a stranger messing about my neighbors garage from the camouflage of my perch. I text her to see if maybe she knows the guy, as he fiddles with the garage door and looks around her car before vanishing off in some other direction. She does not know him and it is suspicious, thankfully she at least got him on her cameras but she’s still unsure what to do about it as he didn’t actually take or harm any of her stuff. I suggest maybe sending her footage to HOA about it but she seems skeptical that would accomplish much.

Now seems like a good time for us to invest in the home security cameras too.

My husband wasn’t as concerned about the Russian Jehovas tracking him down as much as the scratching and banging around at the door after he left for work in the pitch black of the a.m. we resolve to install some cameras around the home soon. The following night while the husband’s at the gym, someone knocks at the door three times, my daughter hears it, I hear it, the cats all gather, but when I answer the door there’s no one present in the vicinity.

The next week is followed by the rush of my kids birthday, her grandparents visiting for a trip to Meow Wolf with her and then a party for her friends to come join us for pizza.
We had a full house of happy kids playing and honestly it went a lot better than expected. Not a tear was shed .
However the next day I get a message from my girlfriend that one of the little boys, our little buddy Arlo who’s five had a seizure at 2 am the night of the party. It’s hard information to take in. I ask his mom to let me know what the doctors find out about the cause. At the party he was running happily and made best friends with out neighbors boy, he’s survived Chuck e cheese without so much as getting sick. We hope whatever it is can be resolved with minimal conflict.

I don’t feel wanted. I hear it, all the time, only in reassurance. Now I get it, we live together, but.. Why do I feel like I’m the only one trying for time. The only one starting a conversation, initiating contact. She gets three days with him, and we discuss her driving home during the day in case the roads are bad, and she still doesn’t leave until after dark, getting home around 9. That doesn’t really feel like you were terribly excited to come home. And then when you do, you want ME to be excited your home. After being in parent and work and stress and sad mode for 3 days. Why can’t you walk through the door and pick ME up? I’m to initiate sex, I’m to plan our nights. I have to ask you to cuddle. The next day, He needs help. Dope, I get it, I struggle often too. But I’m told twenty minutes, and it turns into an hour and a half, leaving me with yet again, not getting my wife till 9/930. And then, AGAIN, I have to ask to cuddle, I have to ask to do stuff with you. Why can’t YOU seem excited to see me, to touch me, to be intimate with me? I give you the world, and I’m beginning to wonder what I get back in return. I bring up sex, because we both say we want it every day, and you feel pressured? I’m sorry, but if you wanted it, why would you feel pressured? Why wouldn’t you be able to enjoy talking dirty with me, enjoy the fact that I love and want to ravage your body after 13 years. Instead it becomes a fight, and I feel like an asshole for even expressing the slightest interest in sexual activity. When I bring up my feelings, your first instinct is to get defensive, and then I get left feeling like an asshole for having feelings. That’s why I can’t even bring any of this up to you. I’m tired of being told my feelings are wrong, to appreciate what I have, and being made to feel like the asshole, when I continue to feel unwanted, unappreciated, and like it doesn’t even matter if I’m around. And I get it sometimes. Work gets busy, He gets in his feelings, the kids have a hard day, whatever the case. But it feels like there is no time, or space, or energy to be married to me. It makes me feel like I should start dating again, just to get my cup filled, because I’m not sure you can right now. You’re slipping away, and anything I do isn’t enough. I go to work and help you, I try to initiate conversations, just to get met with one word answers, I give you massages, fill your bowls, buy you anything you ask for, help with the kids to help you stay less stressed. Either I’m blind, or I don’t see what you’re doing to show you care that I’m around. I’ll quit beating the dead horse. I just hope your hear comes back to me soon.

-K

Dear T
One day, you are going to have to turn around and look all of the problems you’ve been running from your whole life right in the eyes and truth be told, I hope they run you over like a stampede. I hope it overwhelms you to the point of anxiety that lasts for years. Understand and know this T, you might have lied your way out of having to own your actions but I know the truth and I see now, the kind of person you really are and people like you should be forced to permanently wear huge signs that warns others of the type you are. Thats okay though. Each one of us will have our day of judgement and we will have to answer for all of the shitty things we have done in our lives. You? Are no exception. Im not too worried about that though. However, if I were you, I would get up off of my knees for the reason your on them and I would get back down on my knees and start praying for forgiveness for the piece of shit you are.

I can’t ever be mad at you for anything. I know we’re both hurting and I hope you’re healing. I’m always here for you and will always be in your corner even if you think I’m not. I still love and care you and I’m sure a part of me always will. I hope we can speak again some day. Keep being a light for others.

to Pluto and back,

Hannah <5

This isn’t for anyone in particular, this really is for me. I have no other outlet for something like this. My wife has never trusted me, we’ve been married for 2 years together for 12 and after she cheated on me when we were dating I guess she assumed I’d do it as well. The first time she went through my phone she found text messages of me venting about her, we had just moved in together and it was our first time living in the same state as each other. The months leading up up to her moving were rough…..daily fights and arguments and I kept telling myself once she’s here we’ll be ok, and we were for a time. Then I forget to bring my phone to the bathroom to play music while I’m showering and she looks through my phone and accuses me of being in love with my friend who I was venting to. I had few female friends and wanted a female perspective. Bad idea. Time moves on the trust is clearly never there. She always thought I was up to something, I usually wasn’t but I felt like I was. I started deleting all my texts to certain people and cut back my interactions with others. This is normal I told myself. Her offhanded comments she thinks I can’t here punctate most every conversation, I can’t pick up a new hobby without it being ridiculed. I know I’m painting my wife in a bad light but she’s not all bad. When she’s in a good mood she is very thoughtful and caring but it seems like those are few and far between at this point. When I was at my lowest I made a mistake, I began sexting and exchanging pictures with someone from Reddit. We never met, only chatted on Kik. My wife found out and she never forgot. After talking she forgave me, but she never took accountability for her actions that drove me to that point. The belittling comments still come, the jokes at my expense, the double standard of her bein able to call me a dumbass or swear at me when she’s mad but the second I say anything similar she loses her mind and tells me never to swear at her. This has been for the last 6 years. She is not the woman I fell in love with, but I also felt such guilt at insisting she move here where she had extended family and I have my family and friends rather than uproot my life to move somewhere where I have no support, is the reason I say nothing. I haven’t felt genuine happiness in a long time…..at least not with her. I have been happy with my friends when I am away from her or when I am talking to someone else….but I’ll get to that…

C’est rare que je t’écrive, mais je pense que je dois le faire, merci de m’avoir aidée à sortir de mon traumatisme, de m’avoir tant aimée, de m’avoir redonné mon estime de soi, et ma confiance en moi et en mon pouvoir sexuel, merci de m’avoir montré que tout le monde n’est pas si mauvais, merci d’avoir tout risqué pour moi, merci de ne pas avoir blessé mon anniversaire, quel ami gentil tu es, je vais garder ça pour toujours, je sais que tu es un bon gars, peut-être que nous n’étions pas faits pour être ensemble, je sais que tu as souffert aussi, pardonne-moi d’avoir été difficile à bien des égards, je n’étais pas au mieux de ma forme, je t’aime.