Day: December 18, 2022

You tipped over 5 chairs, kicked our daughters’ two dance bags across the house, ripped the entryway mat, and scattered the contents of both trash bags down the hall. You were absolutely vile. I only care because you did it in front of our 6, 8 and 9 year olds. You terrified them. You terrified me. I hyperventilated. The front door was open. You opened it. The neighbors heard and saw. You forced our 8-year-old son to leave with you. Put him in a terrible position. The girls missed their holiday dance performance because of your tantrum. It happened 9 hours ago and I’m still quivering inside. Only because I am heartbroken for my kids. They can never unsee that. You are a terrible person.

Almost every single day I get told how awesome I am. How great I am at my job, or how I treat people the right way, with respect and compassion. The validation is nice, of course, but I don’t think I really need it. I know this already and then some. Someone comments how hard I work, always going the extra mile to help people or just even brighten someone’s day or make them feel special or at least seen. And I appreciate that, but that person doesn’t know that even in that moment I have that smile on my face for their benefit when I have 9 dollars in the bank, haven’t eaten in 2 days, haven’t been touched in going on 8 years. And this isn’t like rock bottom or anything, I’m doing a lot better than I have in a long time, this is just what my life has been like as long as I can remember. No one needs to know any of that. But I do, and I know no one else, no one else, can do what I can do. There is no limit to my capability.

And that’s the great conflict for me, is that no matter how hard I try, I can’t get anyone to buy into what I have to offer; it’s like I have these extraordinary gifts, and the world looks at me on one hand and recognizes that, and then on the other hand says “but you still have no value.” Thats how I feel at least, pretty much all the time, from employment to romance to friends and even family. It just doesn’t make any sense to me, it never has and it never will.