I don’t feel wanted. I hear it, all the time, only in reassurance. Now I get it, we live together, but.. Why do I feel like I’m the only one trying for time. The only one starting a conversation, initiating contact. She gets three days with him, and we discuss her driving home during the day in case the roads are bad, and she still doesn’t leave until after dark, getting home around 9. That doesn’t really feel like you were terribly excited to come home. And then when you do, you want ME to be excited your home. After being in parent and work and stress and sad mode for 3 days. Why can’t you walk through the door and pick ME up? I’m to initiate sex, I’m to plan our nights. I have to ask you to cuddle. The next day, He needs help. Dope, I get it, I struggle often too. But I’m told twenty minutes, and it turns into an hour and a half, leaving me with yet again, not getting my wife till 9/930. And then, AGAIN, I have to ask to cuddle, I have to ask to do stuff with you. Why can’t YOU seem excited to see me, to touch me, to be intimate with me? I give you the world, and I’m beginning to wonder what I get back in return. I bring up sex, because we both say we want it every day, and you feel pressured? I’m sorry, but if you wanted it, why would you feel pressured? Why wouldn’t you be able to enjoy talking dirty with me, enjoy the fact that I love and want to ravage your body after 13 years. Instead it becomes a fight, and I feel like an asshole for even expressing the slightest interest in sexual activity. When I bring up my feelings, your first instinct is to get defensive, and then I get left feeling like an asshole for having feelings. That’s why I can’t even bring any of this up to you. I’m tired of being told my feelings are wrong, to appreciate what I have, and being made to feel like the asshole, when I continue to feel unwanted, unappreciated, and like it doesn’t even matter if I’m around. And I get it sometimes. Work gets busy, He gets in his feelings, the kids have a hard day, whatever the case. But it feels like there is no time, or space, or energy to be married to me. It makes me feel like I should start dating again, just to get my cup filled, because I’m not sure you can right now. You’re slipping away, and anything I do isn’t enough. I go to work and help you, I try to initiate conversations, just to get met with one word answers, I give you massages, fill your bowls, buy you anything you ask for, help with the kids to help you stay less stressed. Either I’m blind, or I don’t see what you’re doing to show you care that I’m around. I’ll quit beating the dead horse. I just hope your hear comes back to me soon.
-K