What She Will Say

Ok so you said we’ll talk, and I have a sinking feeling I know what that means.
So here I will lay out what that will be, then show you I predicted it.

So the why you think we need to talk is, the e-mail.
You think that I think you secretly like me but won’t admit it.
Well newsflash, I know you don’t.
What I said, was simply about the fact you felt bad, when you told me what you did, well I just wanted to be clear, you need to forgive yourself.
And when you did find a person, don’t put that pressure on just you.
I find that you are an amazing woman, so I believe anyone would be crazy to not want to matter to you and earn your trust and respect. It is why I said, tell them the rules and if they won’t play, say bye.
Quite simply, if I was lucky enough to be the one (and again, I know I am not) I would wait for you, because I absolutely respect you, I absolutely support your beliefs.
Oh and the ironic bit?
Years ago I prayed-If you are real, then find me someone who makes me happy, excited, who I would love to share my life with. And I said, look, I will adopt a faith if you do this, there is only one being who could, so either make me love who I wish I could, or find me one who ignites a fire in me, then I believe.

Then you came along, oh the amusement to find out your belief. But I said, ok god, I love being around her, I respect her, I am happier in her presence, so, if she wants me, I will wait, but that she wants me, well it matches everything else.

But it’s a joke because the original prayer was when I realised I just am trying to do the right thing but i forgot as my faith waned.
When I added on to that prayer, it was because I still did not believe but kind of wanted to.
Now how I know you aren’t interested? Well because we both know your reasons fall flat.
Even the converting, because I would be a better one than most others, and that’s absent faith, with the faith definitely.

But it does not matter, you know all the things I could say, you haven’t any doubts on what person I would be, willing to do the thing you said (the naughty thing) willing to support you, be there, you know I’d be faithful, that I would be willing to wait for you before doing anything, that I want to know you, that nothing you do could be shameful and that i would listen and care.

But it doesn’t matter, you can no more force yourself to feel than I can force myself to switch it off.
But make no mistake I know you don’t, as such I won’t be pressuring you, hinting or asking, that was why I said, if you ever change your feelings, just say.
On the assumption that just wont happen, of course I am gutted, you are gorgeous, funny, entertaining, exciting just make me happy. So, I will shut my mouth and take what I can get

I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore

Except I will because I have no choice because no one cares what I think. Someone in my friends group says the ‘chess instead of checkers’ phrase ad nauseam and I could point out that saying that doesn’t make you cool if you don’t actually know how to play, but no one will care because he makes a lot of money and could help them get a job and I can’t. Ditto the guys who wish violence on every prominent Republican, as though their policy views alone set them apart from the Maga trash storming the Capitol right now. Or the maga trash wearing their stupid red hats at the grocery store instead of a mask more than a year after covid started. My God this country is so broken. We are all fucked if there’s ever another world war or an invasion or anything that requires Americans to sacrifice for the greater good cuz millions of people won’t even put a fucking mask on or wash their hands like youve got a constitutional right to be a disgusting germ factory. Hillary was absolutely right with her ‘deplorables’ comment, but she was also right about going high when they go low, which is pretty much paraphrasing the Bible. But integrity? Morals? No one gives a shit. I don’t understand how even before 2016 one couldn’t look at Trump and his complete absence of character and know what a disaster it would be if he was ever given real power. But I’ve had to sit by and watch pretty much everyone I care about getting sucked into q anon and tucker Carlson and covid hoaxes and guns and ‘all lives matter’ bullshit because it has so many YouTube views or tv ratings or abortion non sequiturs or just because it’s how they were raised and they don’t have the fortitude to formulate their own beliefs. But what do I know? I don’t have a fancy job or a German luxury car or even a real girlfriend, why should anyone listen to me? I guess that’s why I write here because all this anger needs to go somewhere or I’ll explode. Rant over. Y’all can go back to pretending like you care about things until it personally affects you.

A Love Letter

A Love Letter

I told you I had fallen for you. Not in the way I wanted to. It was a passionate moment and it just slipped out of my mouth. I couldn’t stop it. I told you I wanted you and you asked me why, the only thing my body, mind and soul would allow me to say was that I was falling for you. I’ve wanted to tell you how I was feeling for a while now but my tongue would swell and stop me from telling you. I’d overthink it and say something silly when you asked what was on my mind. I think you feel the same but I know you’re bad with feelings so I won’t press. And I’ll never show you this. I just wish one day you’ll say it back.

Forever yours
Sophie 🥞

I will have faith if you love me

Okay I know the reality is, she doesn’t have feelings for me.
But of the excuses she has offered-Because she is so kind and doesn’t want to hurt me, the saddest and most ironic is about religion.
Why? Because she does not know but years ago I prayed to be loved by someone I care about, someone I could be with, but I lost my faith, I never believed I would find a person who I wanted to be with, wanted to come home to, could envisage a future with them, a life.
So quite funny to myself to cement my test of god by asking, if a person will be to me, exciting, beautiful, desirable not for a night, but to me, one i can see a life with, i will believe.

But time went and i remained as i am, not loving who i am with as i should, but remaining for whom else do i care for at all?
Then i met her, wow! Click, every which way.
And i was so amused, i said to myself see this is proof you need to move on in life, stop being weak, so yes i intend to do so, and yet i realised too i could totally be happy with this woman.
And she told me something that interested me too, she was a religious person, and wanted a religious wedding, hence of course i would not be a considered partner.
Yet little does she know, i would totally believe if she were to want me, because that is my prayer.
And worse even is, she lamented that some past persons hadn’t respected her wishes in certain aspects of the religion, me, whether i believed or not i would, i respect her too much so all things i would do, yet she doesn’t know.
Funny indeed that she uses this as just an excuse little realising if there were feelings for me, and she said so, and wanted us to try, that would be a message and so i could give her the marriage she wants.
Ah fate, i know the path this takes, it is the path of no.
Which was indeed what pushed me to just accept when someone didn’t say no, fear of being alone, yet in truth, i’m great, no false modesty, i dont mean handsome, but hell most of the package is right here, all the need was to wait, be patient, but idiot me, i rushed and bingo.
Now, i can watch as she, who i do want, goes off to be with some lucky ass.
And i, well what the hell, life is a bitter pill to swallow and ironic to boot.