Okay I know the reality is, she doesn’t have feelings for me.
But of the excuses she has offered-Because she is so kind and doesn’t want to hurt me, the saddest and most ironic is about religion.
Why? Because she does not know but years ago I prayed to be loved by someone I care about, someone I could be with, but I lost my faith, I never believed I would find a person who I wanted to be with, wanted to come home to, could envisage a future with them, a life.
So quite funny to myself to cement my test of god by asking, if a person will be to me, exciting, beautiful, desirable not for a night, but to me, one i can see a life with, i will believe.
But time went and i remained as i am, not loving who i am with as i should, but remaining for whom else do i care for at all?
Then i met her, wow! Click, every which way.
And i was so amused, i said to myself see this is proof you need to move on in life, stop being weak, so yes i intend to do so, and yet i realised too i could totally be happy with this woman.
And she told me something that interested me too, she was a religious person, and wanted a religious wedding, hence of course i would not be a considered partner.
Yet little does she know, i would totally believe if she were to want me, because that is my prayer.
And worse even is, she lamented that some past persons hadn’t respected her wishes in certain aspects of the religion, me, whether i believed or not i would, i respect her too much so all things i would do, yet she doesn’t know.
Funny indeed that she uses this as just an excuse little realising if there were feelings for me, and she said so, and wanted us to try, that would be a message and so i could give her the marriage she wants.
Ah fate, i know the path this takes, it is the path of no.
Which was indeed what pushed me to just accept when someone didn’t say no, fear of being alone, yet in truth, i’m great, no false modesty, i dont mean handsome, but hell most of the package is right here, all the need was to wait, be patient, but idiot me, i rushed and bingo.
Now, i can watch as she, who i do want, goes off to be with some lucky ass.
And i, well what the hell, life is a bitter pill to swallow and ironic to boot.