Sad and angry

I confess I am angry, angry you are a believer, not just any, but that particular group. I wish I could argue you out of belief, but that won’t happen, if I tried I would only alienate you totally.
And anyway it needs the person to realise, you won’t or if you do, you will be married by then, and given what you said, to someone the same.

That makes me even angrier, that is because I would do anything to be with you, and whilst some would say you can’t fake it, I damn well could and would, better than most who are according to them, genuine believers.
But I am years too late, and worse I’d believe if you said you loved me, wat else could bring you to me but a god.
But no, you don’t and won’t and I hate it, oh I understand how easy to fall in it is, and that too really grinds me up, it’s a faith you were brought up in, you did not get choice, but I cannot even tell you that much, you believe now so there is no talking you out of it.
But it isn’t fair, it isn’t. I love you, I would respect every rule and part of your faith if it meant being with you. I would spend y life making you happy because just being near you makes me happy. I know that is so selfish, and greedy but I can’t help it.
I heard what you said, and I mean listened properly, so I would respect your wishes, I would honour you always.
Now maybe some would say never put her on a pedestal, but you are a princess in my eyes so how can I not. How can I not love you and want to make every day perfect for you.
Tortuous life why do we seek gods at all? Because it is all so unfair, when we love we hurt, so we want a greater power, a promise that if not now, then one day, all will be as we wish, re-united with loved ones, and that old tale of he has a plan for you, what you want now, he may have more in store than you know, yeah if you believe, then it hurts but you have hope.
The promises and rewards in our minds hold more power than anything anyone else could offer.
How sick that it is this way, you will never never know how I feel, never know that I would walk through fire and hell if it were real to save you, and I hope whoever you end up with, will love you half as much as I do, you deserve to be loved this much, you are one in a billion and I could write a million more words, but they all come into a sentence that if you think about what it says and take it truly, you will understand. I would do anything for you, because, I love you absolutely no matter what

So sick

Dear L

I am so sick and tired of being your so called friend. You are such a bitch who cares about nothing but herself, how you look and where you live, oh and what stupid ridiculous designer purses hang in your closet. You have no shred of empathy, of human decency.

You help me out once or twice, but you are a crazy thoughtless bitch who would rather make everyone suffer all around you. You don’t even know where your son is!

How can you compare motherhood to my experience? When I literally want my child and spend time with him every day WHILE working? And being sober as fuck? I would give anything for my family, including shoving you off a cliff overall, I think you have done more harm than good in my life, and I am ready to see you fall. Heck I might even be the one to push you over the ledge.

Go fuck yourself.

Do you care at all?

When COVID hit you I was devastated, sick with worry because you know I care about you, I know that you don’t know how much but even so you know it is a lot.
Why else do you think I was so concerned, yeah chances were slim anything bad would happen but when you love a person you are going to worry.
Anyway I did tell you I would be there whatever you need, course you got family around but all I wanted was you to know, I care, I was worried.
And I did my best to keep your spirits up, I knew not to overdo it, and I accept since we are not together I didn’t want you thinking this freak won’t leave me be.
But what hurts is, there was not one single call or message of how am I.
But you have been in touch with others.
I know you are not doing great and of course I would not be on your mind often. But heck I did think we were closer than absolutely nothing.
I feel so stupid, I wish I didn’t love you, wish when I see you again I could happily ignore you for a bit, but being the damn fool who loves you, of course I won’t instead I will be like a damn puppy happy to see its master.
But inside I will be just a bit, no a lot cut up that I rated so low to you that you wouldn’t even once have wanted to know how I was doing.
I know how selfish I sound, and I never worried or checked up on you, or called you, or tried to brighten your day, in order to get thanks, or anything, I did it because you matter.
And not one how are you.
And don’t assume any readers, this is non stop, it was not.
I know when I am not wanted, I just had till now believed we were friends at least, based on your actions not my expectations.
Well I shall slither into the background and just do my best to keep away, when someone’s not important, not wanted to speak to, then the message has come through. My apologies for caring