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While everyone is asleep after s bout with Young Frankenstein I chew up some plump little hallucinagenic mushrooms for one night of solo indoor adventure .
I start the event with a good cuddle with my kitty in the dark before soaking up a warm shower, kind of marveling how the light made everything look a little iridescent, and imagining the shifting grays on the floor to form lavish scenes.

The living room is filled with holiday lights and gives me a warm glow to spend the rest of the evening in, alternating different workout activities with my video game and dusting a layer or two on a few paintings. The lights make the popcorn ceiling look like a school of fish battling a current and I contemplate different stages of my life and how I felt I navigated the personal challenges I faced.

It was a good night, I clicked out somewhere around 2:30 am.
31 still having fun.

Great Expectations

I’m not quite sure how we became an old couple that just fights all the time without ever really being a proper couple. Its not like I want this. The combativeness, not you. I still want you. I want your sharp mind and your sexy body and that’s never changed. In some ways, when I think about the parts of you I’ve never explored, even if I tell myself its long overdue, maybe I want you even more now than before. Desire of the complete package that you are has never been the issue. But it is undeniable we have been stuck for some time.

(This is when you say: Maybe we’ve been stuck for a long time because you’ve been stuck for a long time.) You’re not wrong. The way I had this planned out, we’d be married with kids and both be successful and happy by now. Not that I really had much of a plan, but that was the end goal. Maybe we’re further from that now than ever before. I won’t pretend like I have some quick fix for this. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m gonna have to pretty much change my entire life, and in the meantime, you’ll be….reminding me how much further I have to go? Believe me, if it was easy, it wouldn’t matter how beautiful or intelligent you are, I wouldn’t really be that interested. I am very self-aware, and I know this isn’t something I’m super great at. If its easy for me, then it has and will continue to be even easier for people who are better at this facet of life. I think that’s just a very pragmatic way of looking at it.

So what should I do? Show up and surprise you at work? Send you flowers on Valentines? Wish you a happy birthday every year? Pretend like I don’t abhor having any kind of social media presence whatsoever? Am I getting warmer? Doesn’t seem like it. Certainly, you must realize by now that I want to make you happy! I want to make you feel special because that’s what you are to me. My baby and no one else’s. And when you appreciate me back, even just a little bit, I feel really special too. But if nothing I say or do ever changes anything, would it be completely unreasonable for me to become a lot more reticent in my efforts?

Of course, the problem has ALWAYS been communication. Neither of us can fix that by ourselves. I’ve tried for years to figure out how to have trust and affection and support without communication and I am firmly convinced its impossible, not just for us, but for anyone. I don’t really know what else to say on this point. I don’t seem to be able to get through to you that this has to change or nothing else ever will.

Neither of us are happy with things right now. But I know for certain in my heart that we can make each other happy. And I really hope you feel the same way my love.

Waste of time

I’m sorry. I’m sorry because out of fear and thoughts that you deserve better than me, I pushed you away and got you to hate me. I thought you were bluffing when you said there were many girls wishing for your attention, but now that you’ve got one, you’ve ignored me, dropped me aside and rightly so. I’m jealous. I don’t know what I want. I want you but i don’t deserve you. i’m not good for you. I’m not pretty, filled with flabs, flanks, and gas… I swear i’m not pretty. I’m not humble, i don’t cook, i’m insecure, i need constant reassurance, i’m boring, i’m rude… You were right, I should be alone. I should leave you alone… but i’m scared. I’m selfish and too lonely. so please ask me again…

Thinking of you

Hi Kg

It’s been a very long time, but I hope you are okay. I heard your Mum passed away recently and I thought of getting in touch, but it must have been at least 6 years since we last spoke and me getting in touch at such a sensitive time might not have been useful.
I do think of you often and, although you’ll never know it, I sometimes wish I could jump back in time to spend some time with you again. You’re probably the only person who ever truly liked me for me, and I treated you pretty badly. I’m sorry.

We were both really young at the time, and I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life. I was young, selfish and confused, and wanted to get away and stand on my own two feet and grow up. If I’d stayed around, I don’t know how I would’ve ended up. Not in a good place I imagine, although that would’ve been no fault of yours.
I have grown up now though, and so have you. We’ve both got our own families, and I hope yours is doing well.

I just want you to know that I think you are great. Really great. You have a beautiful heart, your funny, kind and understanding.

I would love to spend the day with you, catching up, going for a drink, and just learning how you are. I hope you would too, but there is no way we could arrange that without upsetting those closest to us, so it’s sadly never likely to happen.

If I do ever bump into you and we’re with partners it’s going to be awkward, let’s face it. But I hope one day well get the chance to catch up properly again.

I have only fond memories and respect for you, and I hope you know that. Sorry for all the times I hurt you want to you for granted. Hopefully I’ll get the chance to right those wrongs one day.

Take care
S