I’m sorry

Hey! I hope that you’re doing well these days. It’s been awhile since we’ve spoken and I just wanted to say that I really miss the friendship and connection we had. I know I really hurt you and I don’t think I can
ever fully forgive myself for that. If you want the honest truth, here it is: I started having feelings for you and I didn’t know how to deal with them. You then started to hint to me that you felt the same way and then I got scared.
I’ve had a really bad track record with relationships and I didn’t think I could go through what I went through with my last relationship. I have a lot of insecurities that I need to deal with before I ever get involved with someone like
that again, I really hurt my last boyfriend because I just couldn’t trust him and it ended up costing me the relationship as well as the friendship I had with him. It killed me.

I’m always feeling like I’ll either be replaced, forgotten about or that someone will find someone they like more than me. It’s something that really hinders my relationships and I knew if I let things continue to the next level I would
start taking out those insecurities on you and ruin our friendship. I couldn’t put you or myself through that again, which is why I started to avoid you. I’m really sorry that it had to be like this and even more sorry that I hurt you so badly. I never intended to and I hope you forgive me. I wish you nothing but the best in life, you are truly a great person. It makes me sad to think that we could’ve had a life-long friendship, but I have only myself to blame for that.

LATE: Love According To Expectations

I may be prone to exaggeration. Like if I said you have never given me a chance. It’d be completely different if I said you’ve never listened to me, really listened, because that is 100% irrefutably true. You think you need more than just attraction to want to have a relationship? Maybe I’d like to like you for more than just being pretty? How about that I wanted you to like me for who I am end stop before I would ever want to change anything about myself for you? Here’s a good one: Sorry I don’t fit the bill of the dream guy you’ve been looking for from every Disney movie and Cosmo magazine you’ve studied, or the hundreds of guys that hit on you every single day, but hey, for the handful of girls I’ve talked to beyond ‘Sure I’d love to write your term paper for you’, I think I’ve tried pretty hard. Did I ever try to make you fit into some mold you weren’t comfortable in or reject you entirely for failing to comply with my expectations? Like “hey babe, Men’s Fitness and my last 100 girlfriends agree that gargantuan breasts are essential to any healthy relationship; therefore, I can only answer 15% percent of your communications or less until you adjust accordingly.” You know what, I could go on forever, but until you’ve agreed to go on even one date with me, ESPN and International Bro Code dictate that my letters cannot exceed 250

Maybe

It’s from watching The Queen’s Gambit but I’m thinking of when I was twelve in Georgia and trying to commit suicide through mixing a cocktail of pills in my folks medicine cabinet and was then sick for days before changing the movie tone to Men in Black : International where I hear Liam Neeson’s High T repeating the concept that the universe has a tendency to lead you exactly where you need to be at the right time, and Chris Hemsworth’s character following up with except when it doesn’t.
I liked how that movie ended, lots of serendipitous events culminating in personal story development. Perhaps it got me thinking about the different ways I was enlightened or guided into sticking around.

Relief, my house is recovered of illness, and it is concluded the foot issue was caused by a small fracture. Theres a number of childrens toys I could probably deduce are potential culprits.

My mom later texts me to let me know a number of my family members in the isolated town of Rangely have caught the Rona, and while she hasn’t she’s postponing her visit to be sure.

Also in for info recieved for today, one of my girlfriends and her boyfriend Lev were hit by a car that drove off. A good samaritan grabbed the plates and while both of them are mostly okay Viera’s walking away with a tooth chipped to the nerve and the need to get hip xrays.

You’re Often on My Mind

Dear TJS,
I miss you and wish I could talk to you often. I always appreciated how hard you were willing to work to have a better life. I valued your ambition.

I know 6 years ago wasn’t the right time because you were getting married and hoping to have a family. However, your life has changed and I wonder if you still think of me. I hope you’re doing well.

Until next time.

Forever your baby.