Great Expectations

I’m not quite sure how we became an old couple that just fights all the time without ever really being a proper couple. Its not like I want this. The combativeness, not you. I still want you. I want your sharp mind and your sexy body and that’s never changed. In some ways, when I think about the parts of you I’ve never explored, even if I tell myself its long overdue, maybe I want you even more now than before. Desire of the complete package that you are has never been the issue. But it is undeniable we have been stuck for some time.

(This is when you say: Maybe we’ve been stuck for a long time because you’ve been stuck for a long time.) You’re not wrong. The way I had this planned out, we’d be married with kids and both be successful and happy by now. Not that I really had much of a plan, but that was the end goal. Maybe we’re further from that now than ever before. I won’t pretend like I have some quick fix for this. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m gonna have to pretty much change my entire life, and in the meantime, you’ll be….reminding me how much further I have to go? Believe me, if it was easy, it wouldn’t matter how beautiful or intelligent you are, I wouldn’t really be that interested. I am very self-aware, and I know this isn’t something I’m super great at. If its easy for me, then it has and will continue to be even easier for people who are better at this facet of life. I think that’s just a very pragmatic way of looking at it.

So what should I do? Show up and surprise you at work? Send you flowers on Valentines? Wish you a happy birthday every year? Pretend like I don’t abhor having any kind of social media presence whatsoever? Am I getting warmer? Doesn’t seem like it. Certainly, you must realize by now that I want to make you happy! I want to make you feel special because that’s what you are to me. My baby and no one else’s. And when you appreciate me back, even just a little bit, I feel really special too. But if nothing I say or do ever changes anything, would it be completely unreasonable for me to become a lot more reticent in my efforts?

Of course, the problem has ALWAYS been communication. Neither of us can fix that by ourselves. I’ve tried for years to figure out how to have trust and affection and support without communication and I am firmly convinced its impossible, not just for us, but for anyone. I don’t really know what else to say on this point. I don’t seem to be able to get through to you that this has to change or nothing else ever will.

Neither of us are happy with things right now. But I know for certain in my heart that we can make each other happy. And I really hope you feel the same way my love.

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