Ok I can’t overcome all 3 objections

Ok no I can’t beat all the objections, at least, I believe if two people want to, they can work it out, but that demands we want to.
I can move on 1, and that is a huge part of who you are, and not at all a part of who I am, but, i can genuinely do it, by will power, by just doing all that is required, why do you think I asked you what the hardest part was for you?

But the others? Well I can’t be chronologically younger, but I can be even fitter and stronger and full of energy.
As for the other, that demands compromise, but it wouldn’t be like you need to accept a new role, but for now it doesn’t matter.
I am going to see it this way, you feel nothing for me.

But then if i care for you, do I want you because I want you , or because I believe I can be right for you?
I thought long and hard, and it is both.
I truly know that I above anyone else, would be best for you. Why?
I have the strength as I am to respect and follow your beliefs, and to adopt it all, I would then obviously be even better at helping you to follow through on it.
I know without doubt that in how I feel for you I want your happiness, so I would be the ears for you troubles, the voice to you when you need to hear someone advise or just talk an be with you.
I would always place you where you feel loved, desired and desirable, protected, my everything would go into the relationship.
And what do I get? Easy, all that you are. That is all I need, you are all anyone could ever want.
But given I am at the point of you feel nothing for me, I intend to not just yearn, I intend to work my ass into the ground to win your love.
I could fail, but if I do, what did I lose?
I am going to listen with my ears and my heart, I am going to be strong, physically and mentally, I will let you in to my soul, hear my dreams, my pain, my stupidity, so you can no I will hide nothing from you and I trust you implicitly.
I will tell you, how amazing you are, though somewhat more subtly due to necessity until you feel something for me too.
I will use every psychological trick I can.
Is that wrong, to actively work to change what is in your heart?
I would say it was, if i did not truly know I would be right, be everything you could ever need. But you are the sunshine that lights up my soul, and when someone can be such a joy just by their presence, they deserve that given back, so because I want to make you happier than you have ever imagined, I will try.
It may fail, but at least then two things. First, I will know I did everything I could, I worked at it, i bettered myself, and made you feel cared for, special, beautiful.
And so long as I do it the right way, nice, not overbearing, without pressure, then worst case is, I am still your friend.
I hope in the future I can return here and scream with happiness because i have just woken up beside you and look forward to a life with you.
Don’t know if you got how I feel by what i said today, that thing I said I would not give you if you needed it, because you would not want it given, but if you did think about how I feel, even you don’t quite know how much I care about you, you would realise, the terrible choice that would be, and yet simply because it matters to you, it would matter to me.

Jan 11, 2021

I show up at my friends to pick up some herb and she’s tripping, joyfully she expresses wanting to share and suprises me with a gift of mushrooms she calls golden teacher along with a pretty yellow fan with what appear to be a couple of Japanese yokai having a good hyuk.

I tuck the mushrooms away for later, for after an evening enjoyed in the warmth of a loving family and some of the latest on Big Mouth. I really enjoyed that Gratitoad fella and it made for a great foundation for my psych experience after the hubs goes to bed.
I take a moment to settle on something to watch when epiphany I’m reminded the new season of American gods started up. Good choice, what an feast for my eyes . That discourse too! It really brought some of my own hidden spaces into focus for me. I appreciated that sense of feeling held by a community.

Get shot down in my game a few times , sorry mojo martha I got your team invite somewhere in the in-between and I couldn’t accept it in time but I’ll still solute you in the waiting room and may we not be gunning down each other in the next match.

I made up some funny rhythms while locking up the house for the night, some military jingle about keeping the squad intact.

But of course I can’t remember them right when I’m writing the records.

When I lay down in bed, in the darkness next to my husband, my minds eye lights up with dramatic images, a chandelier of people but not like to Kutna Hora in Prague, they’re draped in red silks and I think how lovely it might look on canvas. Then I see deaths face and she greets me dressed in a colorful mosiac. I left an offering at an alter of hers earlier and I’m impressed by the gentleness of my experienced interpretation in terms of a well decorated rest but in the irony of it my body tells me it doesn’t want to sleep now ,so here I am writing this out instead for your crazy lot. Lots of Love

Scanners

You ever see that movie?

Whatever illness passed through our house did so with relative ease (may that remain so). A few days hidden away with a stuffy nose and lethargy for me. Enough stillness to really take in and research what I was watching manifest over in Washington D.C.

I remember the protesters in Denver after Floyd having alerts sent to their phone that they were breaking curfew to prove that they had outside eyes on their location.

I see the reports of the attempted insurrection coming in, the proud selfies of this group staging their space to be remembered in history. All it took was the blood sacrifice of 4, probably more lives in this particular instance.

I mean, it’s not inconceivable. Plenty of people are wrongfully imprisoned under impartial or circumstantial evidence and the art of the cover up is not new to us, neither is the knowledge that foreign investors have their projects of influence.

I recently read about Trump pardoning the Blackwater murderers? A young boy was shot in the head in the car he was traveling in. This is the leader that’s got these people in a devotional ferver?
https://www.militarytimes.com/news/pentagon-congress/2021/01/03/after-pardon-blackwater-guard-defiant-i-acted-correctly/

I am reminded of those ride or die types, family members of serial killers and rapists who are unwilling to acknowledge the grief and devastation their progeny inflicts on the community and further more the lengths that they go to protect them.

Not to get too off subject here, I’m just saying there are those who don’t teach how to maintain their own ranks in such a way to champion a civil structure that can assure safe passage and autonomy in discourse over active delegations that define the entity and personality of our nation and the speed that information travels through that hive.

Home of the brave and all that.

What She Will Say

Ok so you said we’ll talk, and I have a sinking feeling I know what that means.
So here I will lay out what that will be, then show you I predicted it.

So the why you think we need to talk is, the e-mail.
You think that I think you secretly like me but won’t admit it.
Well newsflash, I know you don’t.
What I said, was simply about the fact you felt bad, when you told me what you did, well I just wanted to be clear, you need to forgive yourself.
And when you did find a person, don’t put that pressure on just you.
I find that you are an amazing woman, so I believe anyone would be crazy to not want to matter to you and earn your trust and respect. It is why I said, tell them the rules and if they won’t play, say bye.
Quite simply, if I was lucky enough to be the one (and again, I know I am not) I would wait for you, because I absolutely respect you, I absolutely support your beliefs.
Oh and the ironic bit?
Years ago I prayed-If you are real, then find me someone who makes me happy, excited, who I would love to share my life with. And I said, look, I will adopt a faith if you do this, there is only one being who could, so either make me love who I wish I could, or find me one who ignites a fire in me, then I believe.

Then you came along, oh the amusement to find out your belief. But I said, ok god, I love being around her, I respect her, I am happier in her presence, so, if she wants me, I will wait, but that she wants me, well it matches everything else.

But it’s a joke because the original prayer was when I realised I just am trying to do the right thing but i forgot as my faith waned.
When I added on to that prayer, it was because I still did not believe but kind of wanted to.
Now how I know you aren’t interested? Well because we both know your reasons fall flat.
Even the converting, because I would be a better one than most others, and that’s absent faith, with the faith definitely.

But it does not matter, you know all the things I could say, you haven’t any doubts on what person I would be, willing to do the thing you said (the naughty thing) willing to support you, be there, you know I’d be faithful, that I would be willing to wait for you before doing anything, that I want to know you, that nothing you do could be shameful and that i would listen and care.

But it doesn’t matter, you can no more force yourself to feel than I can force myself to switch it off.
But make no mistake I know you don’t, as such I won’t be pressuring you, hinting or asking, that was why I said, if you ever change your feelings, just say.
On the assumption that just wont happen, of course I am gutted, you are gorgeous, funny, entertaining, exciting just make me happy. So, I will shut my mouth and take what I can get

I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore

Except I will because I have no choice because no one cares what I think. Someone in my friends group says the ‘chess instead of checkers’ phrase ad nauseam and I could point out that saying that doesn’t make you cool if you don’t actually know how to play, but no one will care because he makes a lot of money and could help them get a job and I can’t. Ditto the guys who wish violence on every prominent Republican, as though their policy views alone set them apart from the Maga trash storming the Capitol right now. Or the maga trash wearing their stupid red hats at the grocery store instead of a mask more than a year after covid started. My God this country is so broken. We are all fucked if there’s ever another world war or an invasion or anything that requires Americans to sacrifice for the greater good cuz millions of people won’t even put a fucking mask on or wash their hands like youve got a constitutional right to be a disgusting germ factory. Hillary was absolutely right with her ‘deplorables’ comment, but she was also right about going high when they go low, which is pretty much paraphrasing the Bible. But integrity? Morals? No one gives a shit. I don’t understand how even before 2016 one couldn’t look at Trump and his complete absence of character and know what a disaster it would be if he was ever given real power. But I’ve had to sit by and watch pretty much everyone I care about getting sucked into q anon and tucker Carlson and covid hoaxes and guns and ‘all lives matter’ bullshit because it has so many YouTube views or tv ratings or abortion non sequiturs or just because it’s how they were raised and they don’t have the fortitude to formulate their own beliefs. But what do I know? I don’t have a fancy job or a German luxury car or even a real girlfriend, why should anyone listen to me? I guess that’s why I write here because all this anger needs to go somewhere or I’ll explode. Rant over. Y’all can go back to pretending like you care about things until it personally affects you.

A Love Letter

A Love Letter

I told you I had fallen for you. Not in the way I wanted to. It was a passionate moment and it just slipped out of my mouth. I couldn’t stop it. I told you I wanted you and you asked me why, the only thing my body, mind and soul would allow me to say was that I was falling for you. I’ve wanted to tell you how I was feeling for a while now but my tongue would swell and stop me from telling you. I’d overthink it and say something silly when you asked what was on my mind. I think you feel the same but I know you’re bad with feelings so I won’t press. And I’ll never show you this. I just wish one day you’ll say it back.

Forever yours
Sophie 🥞

I will have faith if you love me

Okay I know the reality is, she doesn’t have feelings for me.
But of the excuses she has offered-Because she is so kind and doesn’t want to hurt me, the saddest and most ironic is about religion.
Why? Because she does not know but years ago I prayed to be loved by someone I care about, someone I could be with, but I lost my faith, I never believed I would find a person who I wanted to be with, wanted to come home to, could envisage a future with them, a life.
So quite funny to myself to cement my test of god by asking, if a person will be to me, exciting, beautiful, desirable not for a night, but to me, one i can see a life with, i will believe.

But time went and i remained as i am, not loving who i am with as i should, but remaining for whom else do i care for at all?
Then i met her, wow! Click, every which way.
And i was so amused, i said to myself see this is proof you need to move on in life, stop being weak, so yes i intend to do so, and yet i realised too i could totally be happy with this woman.
And she told me something that interested me too, she was a religious person, and wanted a religious wedding, hence of course i would not be a considered partner.
Yet little does she know, i would totally believe if she were to want me, because that is my prayer.
And worse even is, she lamented that some past persons hadn’t respected her wishes in certain aspects of the religion, me, whether i believed or not i would, i respect her too much so all things i would do, yet she doesn’t know.
Funny indeed that she uses this as just an excuse little realising if there were feelings for me, and she said so, and wanted us to try, that would be a message and so i could give her the marriage she wants.
Ah fate, i know the path this takes, it is the path of no.
Which was indeed what pushed me to just accept when someone didn’t say no, fear of being alone, yet in truth, i’m great, no false modesty, i dont mean handsome, but hell most of the package is right here, all the need was to wait, be patient, but idiot me, i rushed and bingo.
Now, i can watch as she, who i do want, goes off to be with some lucky ass.
And i, well what the hell, life is a bitter pill to swallow and ironic to boot.