Category: Thoughts

Imagine, you find someone, you love them, they reject you, you spend five years with the pain, they occupy your thoughts every day.
Then one day you meet a woman, she is light in the darkest parts of your soul, to be near her is happiness itself. She is radiant with her beauty, she is enough, all that she is, is all that you could ever dream of.
That aching pit of hurt and despair is gone, and you realise that love hurts but it can heal.
Except ding ding round two…..
She does not love you either.
So now what, I can accept that this person at least I have a hope of remaining in her life, for a while, sporadically anyway.
I work with her, not regularly though, just here and there, and with the world as it is, I won’t be seeing her outside of work anyway, and even in normal times, probably not.
I feel like I want to roar like a dragon and burn the stars from the sky.
Why not allow me to be loved by someone I love for a change?
What evil have I committed so great I must suffer this way?
I do know the pain will pass if I never see her again, then in maybe 5 or maybe 10 years this time, but of course how long will I know her still, 1,2,10 years? And what sick joy to see her inevitably become happy with another.
Of course when you care for anyone, that they are happy is most important, so yes, I will be glad for her, but to feel like this again, and again have my heart torn in two.
I feel trapped, dull aching pain trapped in a cage where I can pound on the walls of my prison but there is no release. All I want is to be free of this, why love someone again when again it cannot, will not be.
And so much she has said that makes it harder still. I would do everything and anything, who has known love, requited and unrequited, knows this pain, this depth of emotion.
I write this because I cannot even tell her the way I feel, oh she knows I like her, she knows I would love to be with her, but she has no interest anyway so I surely cannot say “love” and if it didn’t make her run a thousand miles away, she would not suddenly love me.
Oh I am so weary of this life, no, I am not saying I feel like ending it, I never would do that, but I am so tired, tired of the raging fire of the emotion, and to want to quell that furnace, but instead I must burn in my own lake of fire, and just imagine, all that I would do, the sheer happiness every moment near her brings, laughter, sunshine, pure joy in every second, minute and hour. And for me, it is literally so near but so far, I could stand beside her and be as if I were the other side of the world for the chasm between my love and her own feelings is that vast.
Well here’s to 2021 and another who knows how long, suffering this awful feeling, dreaming, wishing, praying and knowing it will make not one difference.

I took a big step towards getting my life back on track. There’s still a lot of hard work to do, but I’m proud of myself.

I am 29 years old and I have been in a relationship for 12 years, and I have never been swept off of my feet.

Just needed to get this out of my system.

Ok no I can’t beat all the objections, at least, I believe if two people want to, they can work it out, but that demands we want to.
I can move on 1, and that is a huge part of who you are, and not at all a part of who I am, but, i can genuinely do it, by will power, by just doing all that is required, why do you think I asked you what the hardest part was for you?

But the others? Well I can’t be chronologically younger, but I can be even fitter and stronger and full of energy.
As for the other, that demands compromise, but it wouldn’t be like you need to accept a new role, but for now it doesn’t matter.
I am going to see it this way, you feel nothing for me.

But then if i care for you, do I want you because I want you , or because I believe I can be right for you?
I thought long and hard, and it is both.
I truly know that I above anyone else, would be best for you. Why?
I have the strength as I am to respect and follow your beliefs, and to adopt it all, I would then obviously be even better at helping you to follow through on it.
I know without doubt that in how I feel for you I want your happiness, so I would be the ears for you troubles, the voice to you when you need to hear someone advise or just talk an be with you.
I would always place you where you feel loved, desired and desirable, protected, my everything would go into the relationship.
And what do I get? Easy, all that you are. That is all I need, you are all anyone could ever want.
But given I am at the point of you feel nothing for me, I intend to not just yearn, I intend to work my ass into the ground to win your love.
I could fail, but if I do, what did I lose?
I am going to listen with my ears and my heart, I am going to be strong, physically and mentally, I will let you in to my soul, hear my dreams, my pain, my stupidity, so you can no I will hide nothing from you and I trust you implicitly.
I will tell you, how amazing you are, though somewhat more subtly due to necessity until you feel something for me too.
I will use every psychological trick I can.
Is that wrong, to actively work to change what is in your heart?
I would say it was, if i did not truly know I would be right, be everything you could ever need. But you are the sunshine that lights up my soul, and when someone can be such a joy just by their presence, they deserve that given back, so because I want to make you happier than you have ever imagined, I will try.
It may fail, but at least then two things. First, I will know I did everything I could, I worked at it, i bettered myself, and made you feel cared for, special, beautiful.
And so long as I do it the right way, nice, not overbearing, without pressure, then worst case is, I am still your friend.
I hope in the future I can return here and scream with happiness because i have just woken up beside you and look forward to a life with you.
Don’t know if you got how I feel by what i said today, that thing I said I would not give you if you needed it, because you would not want it given, but if you did think about how I feel, even you don’t quite know how much I care about you, you would realise, the terrible choice that would be, and yet simply because it matters to you, it would matter to me.

I show up at my friends to pick up some herb and she’s tripping, joyfully she expresses wanting to share and suprises me with a gift of mushrooms she calls golden teacher along with a pretty yellow fan with what appear to be a couple of Japanese yokai having a good hyuk.

I tuck the mushrooms away for later, for after an evening enjoyed in the warmth of a loving family and some of the latest on Big Mouth. I really enjoyed that Gratitoad fella and it made for a great foundation for my psych experience after the hubs goes to bed.
I take a moment to settle on something to watch when epiphany I’m reminded the new season of American gods started up. Good choice, what an feast for my eyes . That discourse too! It really brought some of my own hidden spaces into focus for me. I appreciated that sense of feeling held by a community.

Get shot down in my game a few times , sorry mojo martha I got your team invite somewhere in the in-between and I couldn’t accept it in time but I’ll still solute you in the waiting room and may we not be gunning down each other in the next match.

I made up some funny rhythms while locking up the house for the night, some military jingle about keeping the squad intact.

But of course I can’t remember them right when I’m writing the records.

When I lay down in bed, in the darkness next to my husband, my minds eye lights up with dramatic images, a chandelier of people but not like to Kutna Hora in Prague, they’re draped in red silks and I think how lovely it might look on canvas. Then I see deaths face and she greets me dressed in a colorful mosiac. I left an offering at an alter of hers earlier and I’m impressed by the gentleness of my experienced interpretation in terms of a well decorated rest but in the irony of it my body tells me it doesn’t want to sleep now ,so here I am writing this out instead for your crazy lot. Lots of Love

You ever see that movie?

Whatever illness passed through our house did so with relative ease (may that remain so). A few days hidden away with a stuffy nose and lethargy for me. Enough stillness to really take in and research what I was watching manifest over in Washington D.C.

I remember the protesters in Denver after Floyd having alerts sent to their phone that they were breaking curfew to prove that they had outside eyes on their location.

I see the reports of the attempted insurrection coming in, the proud selfies of this group staging their space to be remembered in history. All it took was the blood sacrifice of 4, probably more lives in this particular instance.

I mean, it’s not inconceivable. Plenty of people are wrongfully imprisoned under impartial or circumstantial evidence and the art of the cover up is not new to us, neither is the knowledge that foreign investors have their projects of influence.

I recently read about Trump pardoning the Blackwater murderers? A young boy was shot in the head in the car he was traveling in. This is the leader that’s got these people in a devotional ferver?
https://www.militarytimes.com/news/pentagon-congress/2021/01/03/after-pardon-blackwater-guard-defiant-i-acted-correctly/

I am reminded of those ride or die types, family members of serial killers and rapists who are unwilling to acknowledge the grief and devastation their progeny inflicts on the community and further more the lengths that they go to protect them.

Not to get too off subject here, I’m just saying there are those who don’t teach how to maintain their own ranks in such a way to champion a civil structure that can assure safe passage and autonomy in discourse over active delegations that define the entity and personality of our nation and the speed that information travels through that hive.

Home of the brave and all that.

Okay I know the reality is, she doesn’t have feelings for me.
But of the excuses she has offered-Because she is so kind and doesn’t want to hurt me, the saddest and most ironic is about religion.
Why? Because she does not know but years ago I prayed to be loved by someone I care about, someone I could be with, but I lost my faith, I never believed I would find a person who I wanted to be with, wanted to come home to, could envisage a future with them, a life.
So quite funny to myself to cement my test of god by asking, if a person will be to me, exciting, beautiful, desirable not for a night, but to me, one i can see a life with, i will believe.

But time went and i remained as i am, not loving who i am with as i should, but remaining for whom else do i care for at all?
Then i met her, wow! Click, every which way.
And i was so amused, i said to myself see this is proof you need to move on in life, stop being weak, so yes i intend to do so, and yet i realised too i could totally be happy with this woman.
And she told me something that interested me too, she was a religious person, and wanted a religious wedding, hence of course i would not be a considered partner.
Yet little does she know, i would totally believe if she were to want me, because that is my prayer.
And worse even is, she lamented that some past persons hadn’t respected her wishes in certain aspects of the religion, me, whether i believed or not i would, i respect her too much so all things i would do, yet she doesn’t know.
Funny indeed that she uses this as just an excuse little realising if there were feelings for me, and she said so, and wanted us to try, that would be a message and so i could give her the marriage she wants.
Ah fate, i know the path this takes, it is the path of no.
Which was indeed what pushed me to just accept when someone didn’t say no, fear of being alone, yet in truth, i’m great, no false modesty, i dont mean handsome, but hell most of the package is right here, all the need was to wait, be patient, but idiot me, i rushed and bingo.
Now, i can watch as she, who i do want, goes off to be with some lucky ass.
And i, well what the hell, life is a bitter pill to swallow and ironic to boot.

If there was nothing, why?
If there was something, why?
Why is the question and why stays the question.

So I love someone, trouble is, that someone is not my partner.
And I have known for years I don’t love my partner, not how I should, I know that I should be happy when I see them, be pleased to be sat beside them, I should want to be with them, but for years I have known that yes I love them, like a best friend, like a family member-And we do have children.
But whilst for years I have just gone along, making them happy, I am not, and worse now, I want to be with someone else. Someone I think likes me too. I see a life there, one I would be happy with, but I am weak. How can I hurt the one I am with?
So my thoughts are this, first find out about the other person, if they do feel for me what I feel for them, not rush into anything, we have known each other months now, and still it is electric, we love being around each other, share interests, share the same humour, music, books, even movies.
We have shared secrets, what we have not shared is sex. Nor will we, for numerous reasons, if we were together of course yes, but my thought is, find out if the depth of emotion in me, is shared, spend more time to really learn more, be around each other and decide, do these feelings hold.
Now, if they say they like me but not that way, or not enough for a relationship, fine, move on remain just friends.
But, if they do want to be with me too, then what?
I can’t seriously destroy someone can I, but on the other hand, do I want to watch this other person accept we never will be, then go on to be with someone else and worse, as I work with them, have to see and hear about it, and know I could have been that person?
I am angry, angry at my own weakness, I should long ago have pulled off the band aid, said, we are not right, I can’t do it.
Am I so horrid that I want to love someone I do love properly and be loved by them, to build a life, be married to them?
But I feel so awful, to even think of leaving who I am with, to hurt them, yet this rages inside me, I cannot feel good, every day I want to come home to someone else, but I care for my partner so much that it sets an internal war going I don’t know how to move forward.
And yes, I think of the children, but they could manage, we are neither of us the type to hurt the other with using them, besides which, even if this other person doesn’t want me, should I now face up to life as it is, rip us apart and then at least be able to be with another person, or no one if that is fates path, but not feeling wrong every day?

The good outweighed the bad.