No love for me……..Again!

Imagine, you find someone, you love them, they reject you, you spend five years with the pain, they occupy your thoughts every day.
Then one day you meet a woman, she is light in the darkest parts of your soul, to be near her is happiness itself. She is radiant with her beauty, she is enough, all that she is, is all that you could ever dream of.
That aching pit of hurt and despair is gone, and you realise that love hurts but it can heal.
Except ding ding round two…..
She does not love you either.
So now what, I can accept that this person at least I have a hope of remaining in her life, for a while, sporadically anyway.
I work with her, not regularly though, just here and there, and with the world as it is, I won’t be seeing her outside of work anyway, and even in normal times, probably not.
I feel like I want to roar like a dragon and burn the stars from the sky.
Why not allow me to be loved by someone I love for a change?
What evil have I committed so great I must suffer this way?
I do know the pain will pass if I never see her again, then in maybe 5 or maybe 10 years this time, but of course how long will I know her still, 1,2,10 years? And what sick joy to see her inevitably become happy with another.
Of course when you care for anyone, that they are happy is most important, so yes, I will be glad for her, but to feel like this again, and again have my heart torn in two.
I feel trapped, dull aching pain trapped in a cage where I can pound on the walls of my prison but there is no release. All I want is to be free of this, why love someone again when again it cannot, will not be.
And so much she has said that makes it harder still. I would do everything and anything, who has known love, requited and unrequited, knows this pain, this depth of emotion.
I write this because I cannot even tell her the way I feel, oh she knows I like her, she knows I would love to be with her, but she has no interest anyway so I surely cannot say “love” and if it didn’t make her run a thousand miles away, she would not suddenly love me.
Oh I am so weary of this life, no, I am not saying I feel like ending it, I never would do that, but I am so tired, tired of the raging fire of the emotion, and to want to quell that furnace, but instead I must burn in my own lake of fire, and just imagine, all that I would do, the sheer happiness every moment near her brings, laughter, sunshine, pure joy in every second, minute and hour. And for me, it is literally so near but so far, I could stand beside her and be as if I were the other side of the world for the chasm between my love and her own feelings is that vast.
Well here’s to 2021 and another who knows how long, suffering this awful feeling, dreaming, wishing, praying and knowing it will make not one difference.

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