Category: Thoughts

While everyone is asleep after s bout with Young Frankenstein I chew up some plump little hallucinagenic mushrooms for one night of solo indoor adventure .
I start the event with a good cuddle with my kitty in the dark before soaking up a warm shower, kind of marveling how the light made everything look a little iridescent, and imagining the shifting grays on the floor to form lavish scenes.

The living room is filled with holiday lights and gives me a warm glow to spend the rest of the evening in, alternating different workout activities with my video game and dusting a layer or two on a few paintings. The lights make the popcorn ceiling look like a school of fish battling a current and I contemplate different stages of my life and how I felt I navigated the personal challenges I faced.

It was a good night, I clicked out somewhere around 2:30 am.
31 still having fun.

Neatly wash off last nights vision. Choose from closet. Pick some members of obedience. Apply a little sarcasm. Nourish the muted heart. Rub it in carefully. Use some honesty classified. You don’t want that mess. Go with the flow, smile. Be careful with happy. Content is key.

After everything has been said and done there is still thousand hours of aimless thoughts.

I feel like such a fuck up. A total failure. Disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. When will it stop? When will the universe cut me some slack, instead of ripping the carpet out from me and laughing in my fucking face every time.

I think I am really attractive physically; I feel the need to say that to the readers so people can know that I do have a pretty good self esteem over all. I was laid off this year due to COVID-19, but I’m in grad school full time for clinical counseling and I am extremely good at practicing therapy. It’s my niche.

So tell me why, dear fucking universe, you have allowed me to experience so much pain. Rejection after mishap after rejection after mishap after rejection and so on and so on. It’s never ending. I pray, I learn, I am resilient, I practice meditation, I am mindful, sweet, dedicate my time toward helping others in any way I can, I love big, I persevere, yet… I can’t ever catch a fucking break. I’m tired.

I finally met a good man (my brother’s roommate/best friend) anddd he ended it because my brother was upset over it. He stopped answering my texts and I just don’t get it. People come in an out of our lives for a purpose and a lesson, but, I am so sick of people walking away and never being the one that gets chosen.

Maybe I just need to be a stone cold bitch in order for things to finally happen, because up until now I have gotten nowhere. At what point does becoming stubborn, mean, or rude outweigh kindness?? It makes no sense. Nice people finish last, but I am tired of being last.

I usually post some cryptic short story or a poem that only I’d understand on LINS. It’s easier that way because I can still hide behind the idea of misconceptions. Now I can’t. I fight my mind every day to remind myself that what I have is good. Like so many people, I have anxiety, OCD, and depression. The trinity of being controlled by your own mind. You see I was doing good. So good my doctor and I decided to take me of my meds. Maybe I could really get better at not controlling it but finding away to live with it. Things are great. That’s something right there. If I type that out I have to fight to believe that typing it won’t make it become untrue. It is crazy… maybe I’m crazy. Still it’s something that scares me. I put a system to everything and if I can’t get that VERY specific system correct then my world might implode or so I tell myself. I fail to complete my systems over and over to the point where I breakdown. I scream and want to cry, out of fear that screwing up the most mediocre of tasks will cause me to loose everything. There are words I try to say. Sayings that’s I say out loud to combat these systems and to convince myself that I won’t loose what and who I love most. (Typing that was something I feared like I mentioned earlier. Just referencing the idea of losing my love scares me.) The problem is these sayings become systems themselves. Negating the whole point. I try more and more things but in my head my life is not safe unless she’s there. If she’s talking to me or she’s just there spending time with me… then I have no fear. That’s not fair. It’s not fair to her to be the only thing that can save me from myself. I need to be able to save me. Soon I’ll be going back to the doctors and I’m going to tell him that I’m not doing too hot. Hopefully we can get my meds back or find another way to help me with my mind. Till then I have to fight myself and my fear to make sure that the fear itself doesn’t become reality. I’m not sure why I’m typing this. I think it’s to reach out to others who feel just as trapped as I do sometimes. I think I just don’t want to be alone in my head and that if I know others are feeling like I do then we have hope that we will make it through.

Hey! I hope that you’re doing well these days. It’s been awhile since we’ve spoken and I just wanted to say that I really miss the friendship and connection we had. I know I really hurt you and I don’t think I can
ever fully forgive myself for that. If you want the honest truth, here it is: I started having feelings for you and I didn’t know how to deal with them. You then started to hint to me that you felt the same way and then I got scared.
I’ve had a really bad track record with relationships and I didn’t think I could go through what I went through with my last relationship. I have a lot of insecurities that I need to deal with before I ever get involved with someone like
that again, I really hurt my last boyfriend because I just couldn’t trust him and it ended up costing me the relationship as well as the friendship I had with him. It killed me.

I’m always feeling like I’ll either be replaced, forgotten about or that someone will find someone they like more than me. It’s something that really hinders my relationships and I knew if I let things continue to the next level I would
start taking out those insecurities on you and ruin our friendship. I couldn’t put you or myself through that again, which is why I started to avoid you. I’m really sorry that it had to be like this and even more sorry that I hurt you so badly. I never intended to and I hope you forgive me. I wish you nothing but the best in life, you are truly a great person. It makes me sad to think that we could’ve had a life-long friendship, but I have only myself to blame for that.

Forgive yourself.

It’s from watching The Queen’s Gambit but I’m thinking of when I was twelve in Georgia and trying to commit suicide through mixing a cocktail of pills in my folks medicine cabinet and was then sick for days before changing the movie tone to Men in Black : International where I hear Liam Neeson’s High T repeating the concept that the universe has a tendency to lead you exactly where you need to be at the right time, and Chris Hemsworth’s character following up with except when it doesn’t.
I liked how that movie ended, lots of serendipitous events culminating in personal story development. Perhaps it got me thinking about the different ways I was enlightened or guided into sticking around.

Relief, my house is recovered of illness, and it is concluded the foot issue was caused by a small fracture. Theres a number of childrens toys I could probably deduce are potential culprits.

My mom later texts me to let me know a number of my family members in the isolated town of Rangely have caught the Rona, and while she hasn’t she’s postponing her visit to be sure.

Also in for info recieved for today, one of my girlfriends and her boyfriend Lev were hit by a car that drove off. A good samaritan grabbed the plates and while both of them are mostly okay Viera’s walking away with a tooth chipped to the nerve and the need to get hip xrays.

If I have Covid 19, but I get reports a few people near my partner at work have tested positive.

Previous to this information I had a few rough days, pain in my chest when I would inhale, stuffy nose, so at throat and stranger still the bottom of my left foot covered in small painful blisters. My kid just has cold symptoms .

I’m not sure if my symptom manifestation could be psychosomatic, as intense as this year could be.. so we recluse ourselves but hold off on getting tested, as per my partners request, that is..until another positive test comes back fro. His co workers, closer to his shift. Even though my partner exhibits no symptoms, our kid being under almost a full week of stuffy noses, I suspect this might not be just a cold.

There’s not really a clear cut way to handle this right? Beyond the reasonable doubt is cast on testing facilities for inaccurate tests, even if I test positive what treatment can these almost full hospitals provide me when they’re focused on trying to keep the ones with more severe symptoms afloat. We wear our masks, we sanitize, and our income is balanced on our ability to strategize the best course of action.
Grateful grocery and restaurant delivery is offered here until we know.