Day: July 5, 2023

I am 26 now.
I know how to do taxes, and work out loans and be an adult most of the time.
But I haven’t dated in 7 years, and I’m terrified to try. I don’t remember what to do, and I know I will constantly backpedal my own boundaries just to make someone happy.

I want to be happy but I feel like I’m just treading water in a pool where everyone else can stand. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

And I’m probably never going to find someone who’d date me here.

I still live with my parents, because if I live on my own I will spiral into a pit of despair. Which is so dumb? Like I can’t want to live enough on my own? And it’s so stupid I can’t trust myself.
I feel useless. And I know in my head that people love me, but in my heart I don’t feel it.

And I don’t know if that’s because of the trauma or that fun little chemistry fuck up in my brain. And I don’t feel happy. Just normal or like I’m going to go off the deep end. The meds made me feel like I wasn’t even human, like I wasn’t anything.

I don’t know what to do about any of it, I did therapy, for like a year and every time it just made me feel like fragile spun glass, like the thin end of a Prince Rupert’s drop. My therapist was great and super qualified, but it was like I was scrubbing at skin til I bled, with no relief. No skin patching itself back together.

I am so tired, so tightly wound that it feels like everything holding me together could snap if I make the wrong move.

And I’m probably pretty fucking obnoxious, I ask questions like it’s an interrogation, about random shit like if you were a cat what kind would you be, or what superpower would you want to have.

I think I missed some sort of social protocol, and I’m not well adjusted. Which is insane, because I have two parents who love me and each other. Two siblings who love me, and friends all around. And somehow I’m still lonely.

And I don’t want to get into a relationship with anyone because I’m lonely. I want to do it because I like the person.

But I want to build a home and a life outside of my cat. (She’s lovely but if she keeps going outside she might get eaten by a bear.)
I just want
1) to be happy
2) something to look forward to that doesn’t feel like the other show is going to drop
3) a girlfriend(?)

And at the same time I don’t want anything at all.

Anyhow, if you read this, thanks. I hope your day/night is going well.

Your not so locally sourced lesbian/ace disaster

It’s been a little over a week since my mom borrowed my daughter for the next month for an array of adventures that I’m just not in a space to join them on. I am however trying my best to make the best use of the next month without her by prepping and starting a grip of 24 canvases that I’m hopeful will be well received by supporters of my craft.

We just finished watching one of my favorite movies, The Menu again and I’m on my way to finish folding the never ending laundry . My neighbor also leant me a book she recently finished and has warned me it’s considerable fucked up but is a fantastic read called Verity by Coleen Hoover. I need to make sure to balance it in with my other need to dos like my language lessons and other such enrichment.
I miss my tiny human tremendously but am happy to get her video updates assuring me she’s having a wonderful time and in good care as she embarks on her first of three camping trips this summer.
Tonight my husband and I will probably be getting down with the latest episode of Riteous Gemstones and I’ll be needing to fix a little wrench he had me tattoo on his finger two weeks ago where a few lines faded. I may be relatively homebound as a person but there’s never a shortage of things to do.

On the 11th I’ll be turning 34, 34 and still not bored. I’ve been tossing up how to spend it, either at my favorite restaurant or taking a chance at one of the other many appealing places I have on my list of want to tries.

I hope your month is off to a good start.

I’ll send out a message or be talking to my husband,friends, or family and the timing is exquisite . I’ll receive curious responses on how they were just discussing that subject when I chimed in from however many miles away, and the joke that I’ve shared takes becomes enhanced by the synchronicity of the interactions timing.

Sometimes it happens with the violent or sad things too, and those instances leave a different sort of impression that sticks with me.

They are a wonderment in time and space and I find myself fascinating by the peculiarity of these particular exchanges. Spooky action at a distance.

Sometimes, I feel guilty for being depressed. The way I seem to rot in bed for countless seconds. It’s hard to talk to people when I spent my entire life questioning; Questioning how people could treat a little kid so badly, where I should belong, and why don’t I understand myself. I’ve never had a proper identity. I get how these days now there’s a lot of gender questioning, and it seems like I’m one of those people. I just want to get to know myself. To my partner, I’m sorry I’m not a perfect partner —and I mean this in a sincere way. These aren’t excuses for why I stay depressed. More than anything in this life I want to pursue my hobbies and enjoy life, but that’s difficult to do with that little voice in my head. I’m as strong as I can be right now. I’ll be slightly stronger tomorrow.

i’m a pathological liar. maybe, only on the internet. in real life, i’m pretty sure i look sane. but i’m too messed up inside. i met someone, i can say she’s the only one closest to making me feel, in love. it doesn’t even matter if she didn’t love me the way i did, and if i loved her the way she did. we had different worlds. she was sixteen when i met her online, i was fourteen. she’s seventeen by now, i’m still the same age. but i lied about it, twice. i don’t know if i was narcissistic all this time, or just selfish, or just a kid who doesn’t know what she’s doing. i had her believe things about me that i lied about, and i found out she knew all along. after that, she didn’t leave. and i felt too good to be true. by that saying, it felt too much for someone like me. i despised how i lied, but the more i hated it, the more i did it. and i lied again. i never got to tell her who i really was until just days ago. we broke up on june 4. it hurt a lot, but it was for the best. so then, the day after, i started writing a journal for every day that i can, writing down my feelings and what i’d say to her, what i should’ve told her, what she had all the right to know about a person she was in a relationship with for seven months. i planned to give her it, by trying to act responsible in my home to get my parents give me permission to have a vacation in the city near where she lives. my hometown is five hours away from her. but she also didn’t know that at all. i said i was twenty, on college, and taking a program i’m good at, have a cool father, experience, and shitty lies that i never thought i’d say. i never really thought i could do such a thing. some would say that it’s because of my emotionally deprived family and surroundings around me. some would say i was just a lonely teen with no friends. some would laugh at me, pity me, feel sorry. but everything to be thrown at at me will be fine. it’s all the truth. i am a mess at this age. but that doesn’t change the fact that i can still exist and learn from it. i met her when i lost the thrive to continue studying, because of so many personal reasons, especially the way my parents deal with things, and how clear it was to me that i got the cowardly side of me from my father. i went online and everything was pretty different. of course, everyone anonymous would feel in a different world, which was the thing for roleplayers. i met her there, but back then, i never planned to stay that long. i never planned to make friends, ’cause i thought, “who would be friends with me? i’m a piece of crackling sh–.” so maybe that was it. the root for lying, the root for a new identity, a root for a pointless lie turned into something ridiculously tragic love story. i subconsciously went for an escape from reality, and this was everything. at first, it totally felt like an escape. but over time, it was overlapping with my real life. with my own world, messed up self. she was kind. now that i think i about it, i gave so many hints about how much worse i could be in real life. one first time, i asked her if i would do something to get me in trouble, will she support me, she was positive about it. and then one time when we’re finally in a relationship, i told her if we ended up marrying other people, we’ll just have to let it go and let time pass until we can finally leave those people and find each other. yeah, a teen sweet dream, huh? but i meant it. i meant everything i said towards loving her more everyday. ever since i met her, i fell in love a lot. a lot. a lot. with her, with life, again. with myself. i got better, but she wasn’t aware of anything at all, of how it was the rock-bottom of my paradoxical and delusional mind, inverted from the positive, mature, peaceful and normal life i told her that i had, which was never true. except for the peaceful, that was when she came. i started to reconnect with myself, and the people close to me, super slowly. she motivated me to do so many things. especially to just get up. but each time, i would cry. every happy conversation and moment, i would cry. every time she would say she has to do something real quick, i’d cry. ’cause in reality, she had it worse than me. i’m the one who’s taking advantage. i’m the only one who was dishonest. and i would cry so much because why did i have to meet her like this? but it was like there was no other way to be so. i endured it, i wanted to keep the connection. i wanted for her and me to last. but it could never, because of the way things were. but i tried. all this time i thought i was lying because i was only scared for her to know, but i realized i did it because i saw happiness in her eyes. i saw happiness along with sadness, along with the feelings that envelops love. i don’t even care if it’s just because of the phone screen on video calls. i just saw it. she was happy. but not for long. i knew that. i lied… because i thought, she knows it’s not going to last forever. so even if i have to alter what’s real, just for her to feel my love in a way i could without having to know everything, then i will. i thought, she knew that despite it felt forever on one moment only, she would hold on. but no. i realized that i wasn’t realistic, practical, and smart. i just pretended to be. whenever i see her face, i don’t want her to know what kind of person i am. it felt more than trust. it felt more than love. it was something i thought i have to do to save her from me, while being with me. but it was never like that in the first place… i tried. but on her side, it was just too much to handle, a relationship. a long-distance, but now that she knows everything, it’s much more complicated to even think we had a normal one. we never did. it was my fault. i planned to never tell her at all after she broke up with me. and just meet her again, and pretend i never met her before. that i’m just someone who looks like someone she had. but that’s way too much, right? i could have done it. but it’s just wrong. i know this time that it’s being selfish and unfair. so i wrote everything on a notebook. but my tongue slipped one night, because i felt too guilty. after the break up, we still talked like acquaintances. it was comfortable. for me, because she said she fell out of love. and it was a good thing, i thought, because now she doesn’t feel anything, that’s a relief she’ll be fine without me. but on my side, it’s never like that. i miss her everyday. so i just pretended again that it was fine with me, because that’s the only way i could talk to her again. another selfish act. even just before i give her the notebook, i could enjoy the moments left of her that still cares for me, but of course, it’s pointless. it was pointless, because she cares for an image of a person i lied about, but not really me, me. it hurt, because all along deep down, i’ve come to learn that i wanted her to know me the best down to my deepest secrets. but even just the first thing she had to know, i wasn’t even able to tell her. that one night was a mistake but it was for the best. she knew then that i lied, for the second time. and broke the promise that no more lies after the one before that she knew about. it felt a relief of pain. the acknowledgement i had for how much it hurt that she’s just starting to hate me was what i felt for days. that’s what was going to happen anyway. it was too unfair, i admit. i was unfair, for just deciding to give her a notebook with the truth that she didn’t know about one day and i just expect her to read it like a wonderful classic. and i realized there was more people close to me that were clueless. firstly the friend i have. the one i was always comfortable with because i knew him, and by saying that, i know he’d come to pick up to the suspicion — rather, curiosity that i’m a liar. he was the first one to know. i really felt ridiculous. because he’s wise, and his reactions just says a lot. his two words reactions says a lot. but it was more than enough for me to deserve. he accepted me still and told me it’s okay. he’s just one year older. i lied about my birthday also, and he had the same but real. so all this time everyone thought he and i were born on the same day, october 19th, only i was older. but no. mine was october 3. but 19th was the one i genuinely enjoyed, because everyone i knew along with, her, greeted me. while on my real birthday, no one really did in my real life. so it didn’t matter much. but i was reminded on what happened on my birthday that time, just a few days ago. it was one night on october 2nd, 7 pm, that me and her talked for the first time. she taught me to play pool online, until midnight, when my birthday just came. yeah, i was thirteen until then. i never knew and never remembered. but now i know. i don’t deserve to be treated kindly, especially by my friend, so i just didn’t want to tell him also, because i knew it’ll be fine with him. i mean, i don’t deserve it. he’s stupid, i’d say out of guilt. but he’s just a good person, and one to trust me for anything. i wanted to just push him away, or leave without saying anything out of his life. but that’s also unfair for him. honestly for me, he was a real friend that i had. the kind of friend i’d still feel perfectly comfortable with even after decades, if he still doesn’t despise me and isn’t still sick of me by then.

she, she knows my password on the facebook roleplay account i used for us to talk. and i also changed the password in my instagram the same one, with the spark of hope she’d still want to have something to do with me. and i think she did opened it. she messaged me after days of that one night i told her not on purpose that i lied again, asking, if everything i said to my friend was true. i thought what i was gonna reply and how i’m gonna say yes for almost an hour. i said yes, and apologized. i didn’t know what to do by then. i feel like i’m just hanging on the last tingle of thread to hope for things. i asked my friend if he talked to her, he said no. so i figured that she might have opened it. or my friend told her friend that’s
also friends with my …. yes. i don’t think i have the right to call her as someone i had. i have so much respect. so i will just do that instead. not for long that everyone will know. but this is what i have to do. and what they should know, whoever cares and whoever didn’t but saw what i pretended i was.

i don’t know how you see me as now. but i hope you do what’s best for you. i don’t know what it is, but i don’t have the right to tell you anything you should and shouldn’t. but try to forget me for a while.
i am sorry.
it takes everything for a person like me to be true, but now, i’ve got nothing to lose, after you.

Whatever will I do about you, my darling?

I used to love McDonald’s food. Now I hate McDonald’s food. My wife divorced me because I got too fat from eating McDonald’s. Now I’m so lonely. She took my children from me because I wouldn’t stop feeding them McDonald’s. They both got diabetes. I had a fight with the manager at McDonalds, but he’s only a teenager. I lost my job because at work I always smelled like McDonald’s. Now I have no money. My life is ruined because I couldn’t stop eating at McDonald’s. I love their burgers. Can’t go back to the way things were.